Thursday, December 30, 2010
Turner-Rex. Mahagony dynamo of sex making
Friday, December 24, 2010
On the eve
Dear Santa,
Here's a list of things I want for X-Mas. If I do not recieve these items, Wikileaks will be featuring a new article on your so called "humane and cruelty free" practices of your staff and "PETA Friendly" ways that your handle your reindeer. They are currently numbered for your convinience
1) A working replica of the sniper rifle from Halo: Reach. The SRS99 that's a true Anti-Materiele Rifle.
2) Heather Morris
3) Olivia Munn and/OR Olivia Wilde
4) A New fire extinguisher
5) A Dog
6) A Cat
7) World Peace (By force if it must be done)
8) A week to play in snow
9) The ability to make snow monsters
10) A nice new camera
11) A never ending condiment gun
12) Money. Lots of it
13) The ability to go back and change things
14) A cool job that pays alot.
15) The abilty to read minds
16) Random girls
I think you shall find these things easily obtainable. I wait to hear your answer by tonight. Remember. The choice is yours.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Zero Hour
 |
| Insert Joystick Joke here |
It took nearly ten years but the saga is finally at an end. Spartan-117 has defeated the Covenant, ODST’s are happy with not being dead and helping the earth, and Sgt. Johnson has been killed along with a ton of other non existent heroes of the Great War period. That leaves us with to remember where it all started. Remember Reach. But I’m not talkin bout Halo: Reach. I’m talking about Halo Zero.
Isn’t that Halo: Reach? Yes. And no. Welcome to the one super-fan’s dream as he envisioned Halo like it was a crappy “what if?” comic. We all know how great those are.
 |
| What if Doctor Strange wasn't a pussy? |
So the “what if?” scenario here is “What if Halo was released back in the golden age of the 16 bit revolution? Actually I’m more sure that it’s was some guy saying: “Hey. I want to play Halo from the Fall of Reach scenario” waaayy before Halo: Reach was released. Anyway it brings us to this. Halo Zero. It’s a side scrolling idea that gives us the chance to fight our way through split lipped alien bastards and escape from Reach as Master Chief. After finishing the superior Halo: Reach, I’m going to get to Halo Zero and play from a different angle. Oh and btw: It’s not sponsored by Bungie. They just used the logo.
 |
| *klick klack BANG* Our residents...*klick klack BANG* are trying *klick klack BANG* to sleep! |
As you can see here the graphics are pretty good. It’s bright and colorful with the sprites for all the soldiers and aliens done with all the finest graphical articulation that 1992 could bring us. The movement is smooth as a baby’s but being oiled up and slid across a hockey rink while being pushed with a broom on a slip and slide. I honestly thought the sprites for this game would be cheap but I was actually impressed with it as I moved Chief forward and backwards. Also his movements in aiming and shooting. But it was then I noticed it was just the Chief’s legs that were moving with fluidity. The rest of him was kinda choppy. Well him and the alien’s whose movements weren’t as smooth as the Spartans. It’s a minor gripe but the movements of Chief’s legs are so mesmerizing I feel like I’m looking at Phoebe Cates from Fast Times as she comes out of water since it’s so fucking graceful.
 |
| Next up in the saga |
The controls are a bit weird at first to get used to. Since you push the button to move right, meaning you run towards the right of the screen and vice versa. I know it’s basic knowledge and me posting this means that I just devalued my college degree by a level. However keep in mind I’m a multiplayer guy where the keyboard controls are altered. Plus I’m going from FPS to side scroller (or side scrotum as I like to call it) so give me a break here. But what’s this? The default control to move forward is T and the move backwards is Q? The button to pick up a weapon is 7 while reload is B? Did the guy who set the defaults just wanted to fuck with me or did an alien monkey’s lay eggs in his brain? Either way I had to reset everything to my liking. Oh and you shoot with the mouse. It’s a godsend that I was able to change the controls because if this was all keyboard, I’d have to press F12 with my nose to shoot while my hands were pre-occupied. It’s just a side scroller. I’m not programming Pentagon missile defense codes against the Russians.
The game runs smoothly and it takes me back to an oh so pleasant time in my childhood where I sat too closely for hours in front of the TV while my parents left me to my own devices. Plus it’s Halo so the only thing that could make it better would be eating a plate of bottomless nachos being hand fed to me by beautiful alien hand maidens. I can pick up weapons and drop them. They all the sound effects from Halo AND they even have the score from Martin O’Donnell in full quality. Not any cheap Mario Paint Midi remix. They even have the shield, ammo and grenade meters from the first came. Plus the targeting reticules are accurate for every weapon you pick up.
However I noticed two major flaws in the game.
1) I CAN”T DODGE ANY ALIENS SHOOTING AT ME. Man they just have that good an aim. No wonder we’re losing this fucking fictional future war? I mean they don’t miss ONCE! The entire game just turns into a game of “I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!! NO I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW!!!” Plus I understand machines not missing but aliens? Come on!!! This is like a slightly higher tech version of rock em sock em robots or what I like to call my family gatherings. No matter what I do, run backwards, run forwards, jump, duck, I always get shot. The game degenerates into crawling forward slowly so I can take on one guy at a time and waiting for my shields to regenerate. That's not strategy. I know it's kinda similar in Halo but the thing is at least you have different angles to attack. This is just a line of guys ready to run a train on me or me runing a bullet bukkake on them.
2) Glitch glitch glitch. What? Graphics? No. I mean controls. At some point in the game the controls just begin to lose most of its responsiveness. When I say most. I mean all. I don’t know why it happens but Master Chief apparently just likes to run even after I take my hands of the button to move forward. This wouldn’t be as bad if I could shoot but he’s so concentrated on becoming the embodiment of Usain Bolt that he forgets to shoot his gun and just takes it on the chin. Think that’s bad? Sometimes he just LOVES shooting his gun that he just keeps doing it until there’s no more ammo or he tuckers himself out. It’s either that or just doesn’t want to move at all. He likes to take it on the chin. I thought it was my computer at first but even after checking my hard drive, RAM and killing all other programs, Chief still had a mind of his own. Apparently Chief back on Reach just liked to act as if he’s a slut with ADHD. Strangely most sluts I know seem to have ADHD as well. Hmmm….
So is that about it? Actually yea. The game is a nice time killer and would be alright if save for the fact that it just turns into a game of tag. I tried it on Legendary and basically I couldn’t even get past the first Elite. I just got killed in two hits. It’s more like Robocop from the NES except that I can actually dodge in that game.
The funny thing is that they actually have a multiplayer option where you link up over a network to kill each other. I didn’t get to try this because NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING THIS GAME!!! I mean if I had a chance to play THIS:
Or THIS:
I think the choice is obvious.
 |
| FYI: One of the worst weapon combos to have |
So would I recommend this game? Sure if you’re 360 got the red lights and you’re stuck without a Halo fix that you REALLY need badly. But again, this game can be beat in like 30 mins on normal and hard. Plus it’s free so why not.
Monday, December 20, 2010
While you were out...
For the last time. I was HIGH when I did that. Can't people understand that? And why won't you call me back Josh? But while I was away you few believers actually clicked on websites and got me money. I mean not enough for bail or anything but I could at least make a phone call JOSH who never picked up. On top of that I got a new subscriber. Which brings the total up to a lucky seven. SEVEN JOSH! THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I CALLED YOU BEFORE SHOWER TIME!! DO YOU KONW WHAT SHOWER TIME IS LIKE IN A MEXICAN JAIL????!! THEY DON'T SHOWER YOU WITH WATER!!
But I did manage to get some education credentials while I was in. Take that expensive student loans. Anyway. I'm back. Huzzah
You know, you do one crime across international borders and they don't take it lightly. I mean how am I supposed to know that if I try to....oh hell...it's not worth it. Let's just say Mexican Jails along with Icelandic Justice system are too complicated that they just convict me by calling me a warlock and trying to burn me at the stake. Also they called me a drug dealer but I swear it's not my drugs. How was I supposed to know I was selling to a narc?
 |
| They Don't Fuck Around in Iceland |
Plus they tack on other misconstrewed charges
 |
| Cocaine's a hell of a drug |
But I did manage to get some education credentials while I was in. Take that expensive student loans. Anyway. I'm back. Huzzah
 |
| I am SO an accredited Doctor from Hollywood Upstaris Medic...oh. Dr. MARIO. Not Micha...never mind. |
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wake Me When You Need Me
With the cinematic cutscenes and the fame of Machinima, it was inevitable that there was going to be a Halo animated movie and lookie here, it's Halo Legends
Except it's not one long big live action or cinematic movie. It's several shorts in almost all anime format and style and was sanctioned by the Bungie studios. So you know at least they had a hand in it somehow and it's similar to the Animatrix that came out acouple of years ago and it even begins in a similiar way where both movies have an introduction to the entire back story of their respective universes with disgusting amounts of detail that fanboys and scholars love (and there is a correlation between the two). And just like the Animatrix, it has several different stories of various characters that don't really have much to do with the main story. So here's the first.
Origins
It begins after the ending of Halo 3 where if you're a cool gamer and not a lame PS3 player, you know that Master Chief and Cortana are floating out there in space as half of their ship has been cut in half by a slip space jump and are left floating out there with nothing to do except narrate about the entire history of the past thousand years and the entire story from Halo to Halo 3. Also she waxes poetic about the nature of man and existence but you know women...blah blah blah. So it brings you up to full speed on everything. Again, if you really love Halo, it's awesome. If you're not really into it and just into shooting people, then it's boring. I personally was looking at digital ghost boobs of Cortana. It's great because it sounds like they used the original actress from the game for Cortana's voice or a voice actress of equal sound and skill. At first seems Pee Wee Herman weird to break up the stories but it makes sense when you think about how it's two different stories and such should be bookended by their respective eras even though I think it's kinda insulting to the audience. Then again they do know the American education system and Japan DOES love to drag things on (stupid Dragon Ball Z with it's eighty episodes of powering up). The animation is cool and anime. I mean it's nothing spectacularly great but it does the job quite well.
The Duel
So who liked playing as the Arbiter?? If you raised your hand or perked up at the mention of playing as the Elite then you my friend are a....
No one wants to be the Arbiter. Everyone wants to be a Spartan or an ODST. Being the Arbiter is like dating a hot girls less hotter sister so that you can get to the hot sister in time. But this story is an interesting samurai story take on how the position of Arbiter came to being and how it was once regarded as a holy position before the Prophets came into power and the Elites in this even wear a Japanese type robe when they're not in armor. It's so a tragic samurai epic anime complete with the killing of a milllion enemies that can't shoot for shit (the fucking tank can't even touch him) while the Arbiter slices and dices everyone with his swords. His fucking motherfucking cock slicing swords against a ton of guns and tanks. Then his wife is killed and he faces agianst another elite with a sword and guess what? Classic slicing and the wait for it moment where blood splotches out like a hydrant since every character in anime, has at least a gallon of blood in them. Seriously, it's an interesting take on the Covenant and I like learning about the other side but the problem is that it falls into cliche. The story isn't strong enough to carry it through nor are the characters deep enough to make it interesting enough but the visuals are quite stunning. However, not stunning enough to make you care.
Want more Japanese emo-ism? Well wait till you get a load of The Prototype. It stars an emo soldier nicknamed Ghost who's the only survivor of his platoon which he commanded and lead into slaughter. How? We don't know. Why? Not important. How'd he survive without injury? Super naturalism. So we cut between flashbacks of the dying soldier in his arms asking him to feel and be human because he's considered a Ghost because he has no feelings about anything, which means he's a guy, and the current battle over a testing ground for a Spartan heavy assault armor with big fucking guns and a ton of missles. Hey, one thing the Japanese can do it's big robots. The art is typical anime fair again much like the Origin short but this does have a ton of more action with lots and lots of explosions. I mean alot. It even has some gory alien guys exploding which is always cool. Prototype is probably best viewed with the sound off or the dialogue gone or on another language since you can put your own words to the story, just like I do whenever my old boss would talk to me. And of course he stays to fight when it would've been easier to run.
The Babysitter
Fear the ODST. The Covenant know of the fighting prowess of the special forces known as the Helljumpers. See there perfect foofy hair and big eyes which make them either decesnded from Lupin the 3rd or Cowboy Bebop. Aside from the whole femmy hair popstar boy band look, this is actually a descent story just with anime to it. It's of course about the ODST special forces marines on a secret mission to kill a Prophet but with a Spartan as the sniper. And it goes so beautifully and delightfully according to plan where the heroes kill the bad guys, quip funny and no one dies or gets hurt cause every war film and combat situation seems to dictate this logic. Pssshhhhh....yea right. So it basically all goes to shit in a handbasket full of grenades near a fan. However you get to see the rivalry between the ODST's and the Spartans and how the relationship in this story leads to a budding respect of the abilities of the other. I'd say the style of the story telling is much like Shinichio Watanabe (geshuntite!). Yes I know I misspelled it all but you are Canadian if you care about such a thing. So is it emo? No. Well kinda is but not in the whiney way. More like the casualties of war way. But a plus is that you get to see Dutch from the ODST game in here.
Odd One Out
Don't be fooled by the cover of this. I mean it looks seriously cool but it's actually a non-canon tale of Spartan 1337, an arrogant, self promoting bumbler who constantly falls off the back of Pelicans (and for a change he crashes instead of the Pelican). Sounds like my kind of guy since he is quite adapt at being a soldier and fighting a big ass Grunt that's dumber then shit and powers up to Goku levels. Seriously, he does power up in such a way and destroys half the land around him. If that's not weird enough, then you have 3 little kids dressed up as cavemen, a giant T-Rex that chews on 1337 then has two super powered teenagers with mad ass Kung Fu skills and strength help battle the special giant Grunt. Then 1337 is carried off by a Pterodactyl. After carefully reading what I just wrote, I'd have to retract the word adapt and say, competent. With loads of terrible luck. Yea. It's not meant to be taken seriously but seriously you can't really watch this thing without wondering what drugs they have in Japan. Hmmm....maybe I should go back to Japan....
Outside of the pornographic title, this story is just like the Animatrix where the best story is the one that's computerized. If you just watch one story from this DVD, watch this. It's really fantastically amazing although it does have the Japanese look to the characters, especially in Dr. Halsey. It can be overlooked for the most part but the part that's hardest to overlook, Master Chief's voice is changed to a much gruffer one. Not the smooth gruffess that makes you want to croon in his arms like a drink of warm brandy but the type of battle grizzled vet that makes your grandaddy's war stories seem like fairy tales. Ahh...I miss pappy and his stories before bed time :) So the story is you watch Master Chief and the other Spartans fly around in cool X-Wing type space bikes and try to rescue Dr. Halsey from Covenant hands. Again the computer animation is amazingly breathtaking and made with amazing attention to detail while the other cool thing: You get to see the Spartans faces. Not the big guys but you can see every other Spartan from Fred to Kelly and even see the Spartan III armor in action. It's a big plus if you read the books and has really awesomely great action in it. Cartoony action? Yes. I demand realistic action to my fictional giant cybord stories!!! Seriously, it's good though. The action is fun, fast paced and plays out alot like the magic that made the first Halo game so much fun in the crazy, skin of your teeth kind of way.
So final verdict?
Overall 3/5
It's a mixed bag. Some of the stories work. Some don't. It's just too weird of a hybrid in the styles but there is some hope to it. Honestly I'd like to see Bungie make another DVD of animated shorts but with less anime. A lot less anime. It wasn't too bad in Batman: Gotham Knight and much better in the stylized world of the Animatrix but the Haloverse doens't really need much anime. It works for one or two stories but not the entire span of the DVD. Still it is an interesting experiment so a must view for Halo fans and a passing fancy for the casual fan and a must for anime fans. So not everything should be anime because you get something like this:
Except it's not one long big live action or cinematic movie. It's several shorts in almost all anime format and style and was sanctioned by the Bungie studios. So you know at least they had a hand in it somehow and it's similar to the Animatrix that came out acouple of years ago and it even begins in a similiar way where both movies have an introduction to the entire back story of their respective universes with disgusting amounts of detail that fanboys and scholars love (and there is a correlation between the two). And just like the Animatrix, it has several different stories of various characters that don't really have much to do with the main story. So here's the first.
Origins
It begins after the ending of Halo 3 where if you're a cool gamer and not a lame PS3 player, you know that Master Chief and Cortana are floating out there in space as half of their ship has been cut in half by a slip space jump and are left floating out there with nothing to do except narrate about the entire history of the past thousand years and the entire story from Halo to Halo 3. Also she waxes poetic about the nature of man and existence but you know women...blah blah blah. So it brings you up to full speed on everything. Again, if you really love Halo, it's awesome. If you're not really into it and just into shooting people, then it's boring. I personally was looking at digital ghost boobs of Cortana. It's great because it sounds like they used the original actress from the game for Cortana's voice or a voice actress of equal sound and skill. At first seems Pee Wee Herman weird to break up the stories but it makes sense when you think about how it's two different stories and such should be bookended by their respective eras even though I think it's kinda insulting to the audience. Then again they do know the American education system and Japan DOES love to drag things on (stupid Dragon Ball Z with it's eighty episodes of powering up). The animation is cool and anime. I mean it's nothing spectacularly great but it does the job quite well.
The Duel
 |
| Eirian |
 |
| But Patty, it's not my fault I got a PS3 |
No one wants to be the Arbiter. Everyone wants to be a Spartan or an ODST. Being the Arbiter is like dating a hot girls less hotter sister so that you can get to the hot sister in time. But this story is an interesting samurai story take on how the position of Arbiter came to being and how it was once regarded as a holy position before the Prophets came into power and the Elites in this even wear a Japanese type robe when they're not in armor. It's so a tragic samurai epic anime complete with the killing of a milllion enemies that can't shoot for shit (the fucking tank can't even touch him) while the Arbiter slices and dices everyone with his swords. His fucking motherfucking cock slicing swords against a ton of guns and tanks. Then his wife is killed and he faces agianst another elite with a sword and guess what? Classic slicing and the wait for it moment where blood splotches out like a hydrant since every character in anime, has at least a gallon of blood in them. Seriously, it's an interesting take on the Covenant and I like learning about the other side but the problem is that it falls into cliche. The story isn't strong enough to carry it through nor are the characters deep enough to make it interesting enough but the visuals are quite stunning. However, not stunning enough to make you care.The Prototype
 |
| I believe I can fllllyyyy |
Want more Japanese emo-ism? Well wait till you get a load of The Prototype. It stars an emo soldier nicknamed Ghost who's the only survivor of his platoon which he commanded and lead into slaughter. How? We don't know. Why? Not important. How'd he survive without injury? Super naturalism. So we cut between flashbacks of the dying soldier in his arms asking him to feel and be human because he's considered a Ghost because he has no feelings about anything, which means he's a guy, and the current battle over a testing ground for a Spartan heavy assault armor with big fucking guns and a ton of missles. Hey, one thing the Japanese can do it's big robots. The art is typical anime fair again much like the Origin short but this does have a ton of more action with lots and lots of explosions. I mean alot. It even has some gory alien guys exploding which is always cool. Prototype is probably best viewed with the sound off or the dialogue gone or on another language since you can put your own words to the story, just like I do whenever my old boss would talk to me. And of course he stays to fight when it would've been easier to run.
The Babysitter
Fear the ODST. The Covenant know of the fighting prowess of the special forces known as the Helljumpers. See there perfect foofy hair and big eyes which make them either decesnded from Lupin the 3rd or Cowboy Bebop. Aside from the whole femmy hair popstar boy band look, this is actually a descent story just with anime to it. It's of course about the ODST special forces marines on a secret mission to kill a Prophet but with a Spartan as the sniper. And it goes so beautifully and delightfully according to plan where the heroes kill the bad guys, quip funny and no one dies or gets hurt cause every war film and combat situation seems to dictate this logic. Pssshhhhh....yea right. So it basically all goes to shit in a handbasket full of grenades near a fan. However you get to see the rivalry between the ODST's and the Spartans and how the relationship in this story leads to a budding respect of the abilities of the other. I'd say the style of the story telling is much like Shinichio Watanabe (geshuntite!). Yes I know I misspelled it all but you are Canadian if you care about such a thing. So is it emo? No. Well kinda is but not in the whiney way. More like the casualties of war way. But a plus is that you get to see Dutch from the ODST game in here.
Odd One Out
 |
| Damn. Cookie Monster got big since he went to prison |
 |
| Look!! POKEMON!!!! |
Homecoming
 |
| You two share....or else... |
It's a bit really weird to watch. Let me tell you, it's hard to watch a tough and gritty war drama when all the soldiers look like this:
 |
| "Don't look behind you now but I think Jake is fucking that tree" |
There is a ton of guns and action and alien splattering with the typical war bravado but again, the Japanese emo-ism runs rampant in this. I like the story and it's similar to the short story Pariah in the Halo novels about the kids who want to go home in the Spartan program but again it's a ton of eye zooms, near tears and sing songy flowy language. Terrible? No. Watchable? For the most part. So apparently the other half of the Spartan II project is to guilt the covenant into surrender with puppy dog eyes.
The Package
 |
| EVERYBODY!! I HAVE TO PEE AND THEY DIDN'T BUILD A ZIPPER INTO THE SUIT!! |
Outside of the pornographic title, this story is just like the Animatrix where the best story is the one that's computerized. If you just watch one story from this DVD, watch this. It's really fantastically amazing although it does have the Japanese look to the characters, especially in Dr. Halsey. It can be overlooked for the most part but the part that's hardest to overlook, Master Chief's voice is changed to a much gruffer one. Not the smooth gruffess that makes you want to croon in his arms like a drink of warm brandy but the type of battle grizzled vet that makes your grandaddy's war stories seem like fairy tales. Ahh...I miss pappy and his stories before bed time :) So the story is you watch Master Chief and the other Spartans fly around in cool X-Wing type space bikes and try to rescue Dr. Halsey from Covenant hands. Again the computer animation is amazingly breathtaking and made with amazing attention to detail while the other cool thing: You get to see the Spartans faces. Not the big guys but you can see every other Spartan from Fred to Kelly and even see the Spartan III armor in action. It's a big plus if you read the books and has really awesomely great action in it. Cartoony action? Yes. I demand realistic action to my fictional giant cybord stories!!! Seriously, it's good though. The action is fun, fast paced and plays out alot like the magic that made the first Halo game so much fun in the crazy, skin of your teeth kind of way.
So final verdict?
Overall 3/5
It's a mixed bag. Some of the stories work. Some don't. It's just too weird of a hybrid in the styles but there is some hope to it. Honestly I'd like to see Bungie make another DVD of animated shorts but with less anime. A lot less anime. It wasn't too bad in Batman: Gotham Knight and much better in the stylized world of the Animatrix but the Haloverse doens't really need much anime. It works for one or two stories but not the entire span of the DVD. Still it is an interesting experiment so a must view for Halo fans and a passing fancy for the casual fan and a must for anime fans. So not everything should be anime because you get something like this:
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