Turner-Rex. Mahagony dynamo of sex making

This post is for my bro Josh, the swirly mocha delight that all the ladies like.  Enjoy the love of the image ladies.  Josh is currently single and will be a working professional in the physical therapy field.  Sex is his name and sex is his game.  He's ready to party up and settle down so enjoy him in all his glory.  His shoe size maybe 9 but in our family, the shoe size denotes his size in inches.  He's tetra bites of tightness and he has no herpes.  So enjoy Josh

On the eve

Dear Santa,

Here's a list of things I want for X-Mas.  If I do not recieve these items, Wikileaks will be featuring a new article on your so called "humane and cruelty free" practices of your staff and "PETA Friendly" ways that your handle your reindeer.  They are currently numbered for your convinience


1) A working replica of the sniper rifle from Halo: Reach.  The SRS99 that's a true Anti-Materiele Rifle. 

2) Heather Morris

3) Olivia Munn and/OR Olivia Wilde

4) A New fire extinguisher

5) A Dog

6) A Cat

7) World Peace (By force if it must be done)

8) A week to play in snow

9) The ability to make snow monsters

10) A nice new camera

11) A never ending condiment gun

12) Money.  Lots of it

13) The ability to go back and change things

14) A cool job that pays alot. 

15) The abilty to read minds

16) Random girls

I think you shall find these things easily obtainable.  I wait to hear your answer by tonight.  Remember.  The choice is yours.

Merry Christmas!

Zero Hour

Insert Joystick Joke here

It took nearly ten years but the saga is finally at an end. Spartan-117 has defeated the Covenant, ODST’s are happy with not being dead and helping the earth, and Sgt. Johnson has been killed along with a ton of other non existent heroes of the Great War period. That leaves us with to remember where it all started. Remember Reach. But I’m not talkin bout Halo: Reach. I’m talking about Halo Zero.

Isn’t that Halo: Reach? Yes. And no. Welcome to the one super-fan’s dream as he envisioned Halo like it was a crappy “what if?” comic. We all know how great those are.

What if Doctor Strange wasn't a pussy?

So the “what if?” scenario here is “What if Halo was released back in the golden age of the 16 bit revolution? Actually I’m more sure that it’s was some guy saying: “Hey. I want to play Halo from the Fall of Reach scenario” waaayy before Halo: Reach was released. Anyway it brings us to this. Halo Zero. It’s a side scrolling idea that gives us the chance to fight our way through split lipped alien bastards and escape from Reach as Master Chief. After finishing the superior Halo: Reach, I’m going to get to Halo Zero and play from a different angle. Oh and btw: It’s not sponsored by Bungie. They just used the logo.



*klick klack BANG* Our residents...*klick klack BANG* are trying *klick klack BANG* to sleep!



As you can see here the graphics are pretty good. It’s bright and colorful with the sprites for all the soldiers and aliens done with all the finest graphical articulation that 1992 could bring us. The movement is smooth as a baby’s but being oiled up and slid across a hockey rink while being pushed with a broom on a slip and slide. I honestly thought the sprites for this game would be cheap but I was actually impressed with it as I moved Chief forward and backwards.  Also his movements in aiming and shooting. But it was then I noticed it was just the Chief’s legs that were moving with fluidity. The rest of him was kinda choppy. Well him and the alien’s whose movements weren’t as smooth as the Spartans. It’s a minor gripe but the movements of Chief’s legs are so mesmerizing I feel like I’m looking at Phoebe Cates from Fast Times as she comes out of water since it’s so fucking graceful. 

Next up in the saga

The controls are a bit weird at first to get used to. Since you push the button to move right, meaning you run towards the right of the screen and vice versa. I know it’s basic knowledge and me posting this means that I just devalued my college degree by a level. However keep in mind I’m a multiplayer guy where the keyboard controls are altered. Plus I’m going from FPS to side scroller (or side scrotum as I like to call it) so give me a break here. But what’s this? The default control to move forward is T and the move backwards is Q? The button to pick up a weapon is 7 while reload is B? Did the guy who set the defaults just wanted to fuck with me or did an alien monkey’s lay eggs in his brain? Either way I had to reset everything to my liking. Oh and you shoot with the mouse. It’s a godsend that I was able to change the controls because if this was all keyboard, I’d have to press F12 with my nose to shoot while my hands were pre-occupied. It’s just a side scroller. I’m not programming Pentagon missile defense codes against the Russians.

The game runs smoothly and it takes me back to an oh so pleasant time in my childhood where I sat too closely for hours in front of the TV while my parents left me to my own devices. Plus it’s Halo so the only thing that could make it better would be eating a plate of bottomless nachos being hand fed to me by beautiful alien hand maidens. I can pick up weapons and drop them. They all the sound effects from Halo AND they even have the score from Martin O’Donnell in full quality. Not any cheap Mario Paint Midi remix. They even have the shield, ammo and grenade meters from the first came. Plus the targeting reticules are accurate for every weapon you pick up.

However I noticed two major flaws in the game.

1) I CAN”T DODGE ANY ALIENS SHOOTING AT ME. Man they just have that good an aim. No wonder we’re losing this fucking fictional future war? I mean they don’t miss ONCE! The entire game just turns into a game of “I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!! NO I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW!!!” Plus I understand machines not missing but aliens? Come on!!! This is like a slightly higher tech version of rock em sock em robots or what I like to call my family gatherings. No matter what I do, run backwards, run forwards, jump, duck, I always get shot. The game degenerates into crawling forward slowly so I can take on one guy at a time and waiting for my shields to regenerate. That's not strategy. I know it's kinda similar in Halo but the thing is at least you have different angles to attack.  This is just a line of guys ready to run a train on me or me runing a bullet bukkake on them.

I figure the one godsend would be the driving levels where I can run shit over in my Warthog while a gunner takes sweet pleasure in riddling alien bastards with holes. I start to drive forward past aliens at full speed but my fucking gunner does nothing. Next I start taking damage until I die! Wait!? WHAT?!?!?! THAT’S NOT HALO!! I’m supposed to run them over but nothing happens. I only ever kill aliens with the Warthog is when I time a jump or slow down for a moment in front of a couple, which is not a guarantee kill either. I move the mouse to see a targeting reticule on screen. So I gotta drive and shoot but wait, I can’t do that either at full speed. I just end up taking damage. Now I’m playing the faster version of the face shooting game. Let’s just call this fucking game FACESHOOTER!! I can’t even dodge in the damn car!! As AVGN would say: What a shitload of fuck.

 

2) Glitch glitch glitch. What? Graphics? No. I mean controls. At some point in the game the controls just begin to lose most of its responsiveness. When I say most. I mean all. I don’t know why it happens but Master Chief apparently just likes to run even after I take my hands of the button to move forward. This wouldn’t be as bad if I could shoot but he’s so concentrated on becoming the embodiment of Usain Bolt that he forgets to shoot his gun and just takes it on the chin. Think that’s bad? Sometimes he just LOVES shooting his gun that he just keeps doing it until there’s no more ammo or he tuckers himself out. It’s either that or just doesn’t want to move at all. He likes to take it on the chin. I thought it was my computer at first but even after checking my hard drive, RAM and killing all other programs, Chief still had a mind of his own. Apparently Chief back on Reach just liked to act as if he’s a slut with ADHD. Strangely most sluts I know seem to have ADHD as well. Hmmm….

So is that about it? Actually yea. The game is a nice time killer and would be alright if save for the fact that it just turns into a game of tag. I tried it on Legendary and basically I couldn’t even get past the first Elite. I just got killed in two hits. It’s more like Robocop from the NES except that I can actually dodge in that game.


The funny thing is that they actually have a multiplayer option where you link up over a network to kill each other. I didn’t get to try this because NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING THIS GAME!!! I mean if I had a chance to play THIS:

Or THIS:

I think the choice is obvious.

FYI: One of the worst weapon combos to have

Included is even a level designer. Why?  So I can create perfect sniping spots!!  How do I snipe in a side scroller?  Well I basically hit the fire button and it zooms me ahead but three feet where he enemies just can’t see me because if someone’s off screen, they’re invisible.  Then I pick my spot and shoot.  For an annoying sniper like me, it’s like smoking going on a date with Megan Fox and finding out she’s turned into a rotting zombie.  A fat rotting zombie.  What's even better?  You can actaully MISS while sniping.  You can place the targeting chevron over the face and fire and it will not hit.  What's worse if that it takes more then one shot to kill things with a torso shot.  It might not be a big thing but in the regular Halo that counts as a kill.  That's what you get for getting a sniper rifle designed by Mr. Maggoo Industries. 

So would I recommend this game? Sure if you’re 360 got the red lights and you’re stuck without a Halo fix that you REALLY need badly. But again, this game can be beat in like 30 mins on normal and hard. Plus it’s free so why not.

http://www.fileplanet.com/159240/150000/fileinfo/Halo-Zero-%5BFree-Game%5D

While you were out...



You know, you do one crime across international borders and they don't take it lightly.  I mean how am I supposed to know that if I try to....oh hell...it's not worth it.  Let's just say Mexican Jails along with Icelandic Justice system are too complicated that they just convict me by calling me a warlock and trying to burn me at the stake.  Also they called me a drug dealer but I swear it's not my drugs.  How was I supposed to know I was selling to a narc?



They Don't Fuck Around in Iceland

Plus they tack on other misconstrewed charges



 

Cocaine's a hell of a drug

For the last time.  I was HIGH when I did that.  Can't people understand that?  And why won't you call me back Josh?  But while I was away you few believers actually clicked on websites and got me money.  I mean not enough for bail or anything but I could at least make a phone call JOSH who never picked up.  On top of that I got a new subscriber.  Which brings the total up to a lucky seven.  SEVEN JOSH!  THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I CALLED YOU BEFORE SHOWER TIME!!  DO YOU KONW WHAT SHOWER TIME IS LIKE IN A MEXICAN JAIL????!!  THEY DON'T SHOWER YOU WITH WATER!! 

But I did manage to get some education credentials while I was in.  Take that expensive student loans.  Anyway.  I'm back.  Huzzah



I am SO an accredited Doctor from Hollywood Upstaris Medic...oh. 
Dr. MARIO.  Not Micha...never mind.