Weird Science Part 1

Greetings few believers!!  It's February, which means it's time for science.  It's always a good time for science so to celebrate the monumental event, I'm going to look into the annals of science to and rate the great men of science who have changed our lives through the force of their brilliance and their sheer butt fuck insanity and contempt towards mankind. 
Dr. Ivo Robotnik

As far as mad scientists go Dr Ivo Robotnik (aka Dr. Eggman in Japan and parts of US) is one of the most recognizable villains as the main antagonist of Sonic the Hedgehog. But his inventions make him one of, if not the most wasteful mad scientists of all time. Wondering what I’m talking about?
Well if you play most of the Sonic games you know that Dr. Robotnik is the guy who captures all the woodland animals and traps them inside his robots called Badniks in an effort to change everything to robots so he can make the world in his image. The problem is that Badniks are the main fighting force that he throws against Sonic, Tails and the bajillion other allies he seems to get with each game. So when a Badnik is destroyed, the animal is released and skips away happily to freedom as if it wasn’t horribly imprisoned and tortured.

Now you have to ask yourself, why take all that time to capture the woodland animals and put them INSIDE the Badniks? Theoretically one could say Robotnik is using the animals as a living battery like machines used humans in the Matrix movies. But just like the Matrix movies, all logic and sanity goes out the window. If Robotnik is using woodland animals as his main power source then it’s a really shitty power source or he’s really great at making machines run on little power.

Potential Power sources

Human beings can only crank out 60 to 150 watts of body heat. Your electrical signals are about under 60 watts of energy. It sounds like a lot and it is if you’re going to use it to light up several lamps. Now that’s a human being. Robotnik is using squirrels, rabbits, birds and other various small animals that are usually appetizers for larger animals that would be better to use for energy potential. Then on top of that, it’s incredibly difficult to turn body heat and electrical nerves into raw energy. It’d be more realistic putting on a wizards cloak and hat to use magic to change people into double A Duracell’s. Also energy is released from the food living things eat. So that links us a bit closer to the Energizer bunny but even doing so still makes people piss poor energy sources. When you digest food, you still have to spend energy to digest it so it’s honestly better to just get the energy from the food or really anything else for that matter. Hell he’d probably have better luck with using old fashioned wood burning robots.

So if Robotnik managed to create fantastically advanced robots that only require a small amount of energy harnessed from the body heat of tiny animals, why is it wasteful? Because you’d have to spend more of the energy to trap the animals, build the machines, put the animal in the machine and additional functions inside the machine that sedate the animal, feed it and keep it alive cause if you don’t, the robots are now just expensive caskets and you’re just going to end up with a genocide of cuteness that only Japanese anime can capture. But technically Robotnik is eliminating our carbon footprint by way of sentencing all cute little animals inside of the machines to die a slow, painful and horrific death.

Hey Robotnik, if you were able to create an advanced attack robot that can function on such a small amount of energy for an extended period of time, wouldn’t it be easier to SELL THE FUCKING TECHNOLOGY AND GET MONEY!!!! I mean he’d rake in more money and bitches then P. Diddy under a bitch money waterfall!! Things powered by Robotnik technology can theoretically run for at least a hundred years, like the T-800

Credit does have to be given since Robotnik is one of the most active mad scientists. He’s always using giant fucking machines (powered by a small acre of dying bunnies and birds) to attack Sonic in recognizable patterns. Now how many other mad scientists have the balls to get their hands dirty? And when not using giant units of mass destruction, he has his tiny egg pod that has more permutation add-on’s then the fucking Megazord. After all this micromanaging you think he’d be slimmer but that’s like saying computer science majors should be models of physical perfection because they get exercise by building computers and working out their hands.

Not a computer science major


I understand there’s a reason why he’s called a “mad” scientist but all I want is a bit of consistency of economics here goddamnit. Mad science is about spitting in the face of God. Rendering all his creations useless by your own hand. One does that by creating abominations of nature by genetically combining things that should not be ever combined or making giant fire breathing mechanical frogs, which are surrounded by a shield of circling skulls. It’s not about being just simply wasteful for the sake of being wasteful. You’d do better just to get a super pack of batteries at Costco and use them like porn stars on vacation (cause porn stars use batteries to take lots of pictures). Plus the bigger the machine has to be, the more animals you have to use to power the fucking monstrosity. Honestly it’d be faster to just get rid of the animals with your giant death machines rather than power them. Besides, who doesn’t love cute little animals?

Pictured: Aborted early work

But luckily Robotnik recovers some points through the irony of using a cute white bunny to power a coconut throwing death machine monkey. That’s truly making the world into his image however his image isn’t really very imaginative since it’s the same animals almost every level. The Robotnik animal’s kingdom seems to be somewhat limited.

Brilliance level: 4 of 5

Takes some brains to grab animals and put them in machines to be used as power sources

Insanity Level: 3 of 5

It's pretty nuts to change the world into robots because you think its better

Threat level: 2 of 5

His life's work is his life's weakness because at the rate he has to capture animals and put them in machines will take him awhile.  Not a great plan when your enemy is known for speed