Profiles in Villiany: Chtylok, the Che-k'n Kau

Size isn't an issue.  However choice is

You remember that show Cow and Chicken?  Imagine if they mated and had a child, and don't ask me which one would be bitch and which one would be butch because this is mind boggling enough, and after being exposed to Cosmic Kryptonian Gamma Radiation it grows to 25 feet in length and can fly and eats dinosaurs for sustinence.  I know it sounds like William Shatner in his later age but I'm talking about Chtyl...I'm just going to call it Cowkin since it's a damn cow mixed with a chicken. 

Fosters Farm poultry is always 100% natural with no added hormones or steroids

So this thing apparently comes from the Savage Land and was worshipped by as a god by the locals with good measure too cause anything as ugly as sin as this thing has to be worshipped or a tourist attraction.  On top of that it's got 100 class strength which is around Hulk level power plus it can fly around and attack you with it's beak, hooves and talons.  If that's not bad enough this thing is fucking armed with a damned spiked tail.  It's like my greatest creation if I were six years old. 

Cowkin basically is monster of the week that was used like 3 times and most of those times it fought Spider-Man.  Yea...Spider-Man.  Plus it had to also fight the Hulk and Ka-Zar.  Now it hasn't come back since and with good damn reason because big ass monsters are hard to use in comics.  Don't believe me?  How often do you see fucking Galactus?  I don't see Fin Fang Foom appear that often (aside from the racist name popping up.  Even with an Asian chracter like this we still lose in comics).  I mean yes they are awesome and Chy...Chicken/Cow would be awesome except for the fact that it's too fucking hard to write in as a story.  I think the only time you'll ever see this thing come out again is in a Pet Avengers book and even that's a long shot. 

The legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit
 and the BODY of a rabbit!

Grant it, the thing looks pretty impressive unil you learn what the fuck the parts of the whole are, a cow and a chicken.  It doens't sound that impressive.  And they couldn't fucking combine any two other animals?  ANY OTHER TWO!?  You have the entire animalia kingdom filled with tasty and dangerous critters and they choose the two biggest meat sources.  Any two animals.  Sharkapillar.  SabertoothBison.  Raptiger (Raptor Tiger, NOT a rappin tiger), ElectricstingingJellycelledMonkeycrab.  Anything would be better then this. An Esquilax would be more fearsome....

 Hell call it an Eaglebull.  Anything but chicken cow.  Hell it's in the damn name:

Che-K'n Kau. 

The sad thing is that I WANT to like the character.  I just can't find any place for a fictional cryptozooligical animal in this modern world.  I even think Mulder would pass on this case on the X-Files. 

Yes.  A monkey with a gun is more entertaining then a giant chicken cow

Profile in Villiany: Hemo-Goblin

Characters have been used for social commentary before in the past but the proper use for that commentary is questionable at times.  Red Skull and Cap are great chracters for that purpose.  Hemo-Goblin is not.  Now it's a cute play on hemoglobin which is crap you find in blood but he sounds more like a Spider-Man villian since that guy is like a Goblin magnet.  Also a pussy magnet since all he gets are hot girls. 

But back to Hemo-Goblin and his mighty power to infect you with AIDS.  Yes.  AIDS.  That's his only power.  Oh and he's an AIDS vampire.  A fucking VAMPIRE on top of that.  Beat that Edward Cullen.  Not only does he feed off you but also infect you with AIDS.  Now this seems kind of a scary thing out of the Discovery Nature channel but you forget, he's going against fucking superheroes who shoot beams out their butts and are at Galactus level.  I say this because he's not stalking the night in the streets of Gotham which would be a cool idea and better use of his chracter.  No, he's in fucking space where he's fighting the New Guardians, a weird DC sub crew back in the 80's.  If that isn't bad enough for you, he was created by a white supremeist group to kill non-whites and I think gays and possibly jews.  I don't know.  They don't seem to be too through on that during their bed sheet meetings. 

Anyway, THIS is the best they could come up with.  A fucking vampire in a legless leotard looking like a weird giant baby to kill non whites in a couple of years instead of right away.  I mean a fucking shot gun can do a better job in a fight.  A knife, a broken bottle, a naked pic of Lisa Lampinelli can do a better job at killing people.  I mean it's kinda short sighted to create a weapon that can kill you in years and slowly and almost not at all.  Even back for the 80's it was short sigthed like the scene in Underworld where Kate Beckinsdale shoots the ground in a circle in Underworld so that she can drop to the next floor rather spend all those fucking bullets killing the lycans into messy pulps and simply just chasing after the guy by bounding downstairs.  I mean she's fucking strong nearly invincible vampire for christ sakes.  You can't just crash through doors are run superfast? 

But back to Hemo-Goblin.  Bascially he sucks.  I mean yea the Golem Smegal lookin thing might be scary in combat but if his power is to bascially infect me with AIDS while my power is to magically wield an Uzi in his face, I think that I'd win.  Hemo-Goblin's biggest battle was basically against Extrano, a gay REALLY flamboyantly cheesy version of Dr. Strange, and if you've seen how Strange is dressed then you KNOW that's pretty up there.  He infected the gay wizard but the wizard cured himself with a talking skull.  Man I just got dumber for saying that.  This was social commentary but what it's saying I don't know.  I don't even know what the fuck the skull stands for.  Confronting death?  Talk to the spirit of Halloween and the Great pumpkin to cure you? 

A pox on you DC for creating such a thing. 

Profiles in Villany: Razorfist

In the history of comics, they always have a couple of heroes and villains that are in the rankings of A, B, and so on. However then it begins to fall down to the D’s. Like what the fuck category characters and so bizarre and retarded they are that one has to question the sanity of the creator and wonder what kind of drugs were given to him to conjure up a mental inbred imagination which spawned lame and awkwardly weird characters.
As a part of the D-listers, I gave you from the peanut gallery, Razorfist.

DX!!!  I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU!!!

Ta da! Yes. His name is that literal. He has razors for fists. I personally would’ve gone for gimpy boy because the mask gives it that extra touch of creepy BDSM that haunts people in the night and the nether regions of internet porn. And how original is razorfist? The guy who names Mega Man villains probably came up with this guy.

Other names they had:



Cut Man

Box Cutter

Ginsu Kid

Knife hand Strong

Captain Vasectomy

Help I’ve cut myself

Ah!  My penis!!

Seriously? Razorfist? I mean sure he’s a bad ass in the comics and is a top level martial artist and blah blah blah but come on, he can’t even drive a car!! He can’t even feed himself necessarily!! While were at it, how the hell does he put those fakata things on? In the name of Robin Thicke, it can’t be that hard to beat this guy. Hell, all you have to do is trip him. It’ll take him a bit longer to get up but during that time I’m sure you’ll be able to get away. He does he even dress himself or get his mask on? I can imagine it’s a lot of hitting himself with his stumps and fumbling with sticky adhesives and then cursing and crying. How about this for a strategy: Get a gun! It’s not he’s that fast. I mean this is a villain Aquaman can beat just by tossing him in the water. THE WATER!



More fearsome then Razorfist



I mean honestly his highlight was in the godawful one shot Siege: Captain America where he battled not one but TWO Caps, Bucky and Old Man Rogers. The worst part of it was that Razorfist was actually beating them. Two super soldiers, one with a shield and genetically altered body. One with a gun and a bionic arm and he’s kicking their ass for most of the book. These are the hands that are keeping America safe? They can’t beat a handicapped dude with knives. Actually that does sound kinda dangerous but I digress. It’s FUCKING RAZORFIST!!! You had an entire army of villains and you chose gimpy mcgee to go up against the Captains. I think he may have been powered up but fucking A. It’s still Razorfist. The equivalent to Jonny Fairplay or Spencer Pratt or that bum who slaps himself on the corner of my street.

Son of Razorfist

Look I get that he was supposed to be a guy for Shang Chi to fight and has this whole mystic east oriental clashing with the west cheesy 80’s movie type feel but it’d be more intimidating with a fucking hook or axe or an axe with hooks in the blade. It’d be even better if he lost the mask because why bother hiding your identity when I can just look for the guy with NO FUCKING HANDS!!! And that must be one hell of some balls of silly putty to keep those things on his arms.

So profile in whatthefuckedness complete. Here you have Razorfist. The most feared man who has to have his assistant open his fly and pull out his wang in order to piss.