Quickie with Michael

Hello few believers!  The image above is to show how much I love you guys.  Just came out of the shop and wanted to give you a quick rundown of some series because writing all of these would take days and I have porn to watch.  Hopefully I'll be able to get write a full scale write up report on some of these with hilarious insults that you've come to expect from me (I knew sleeping with Lisa Lampinelli would be good for something other then money).

Crossed & Crossed: Family Values

Is there something on my face?

Should be really be known as "Rape Shower" cause that's what you need.  Ugh.  Crossed is about a strange virus that makes people kill, rape, mutilate and cannibalize each other while a rash that looks like a cross appears across the infected faces.  The story is about the people who are not infected.  Ennis started the series with a short run and David Lapham continues the wretched tale by trying to out do Ennis by being more graphic and more disturbing on Crossed: Family Values.  Honestly I think he was trying to say the monsters inside are worse then the monsters outside but there's that other series WALKING DEAD by Kirkman that's far superior and better to read with at least 45 to 50 % less rape showery feeling about it.  Hell at least the zombies don't try to rape you, just eat you if that's not disturbing enough.  Avoid at all costs like the plague or Al Pacino overacting.  Anyway...

About as disturbing as this image

Overall 0/5

Speaking ol Robby Kirkman and the upcoming Walking Dead TV series, here's an earlier work along the same vein of fucked up comics but this time with happier images! 

Irrideemable Ant-Man

  

Dear Diary....JACKPOT!



Ever wonder what it'd be like if Spencer Pratt had a super hero high tech suit?  You get the new Ant-Man.  The series only lasted like twelve issues but what a twelve issues!   Here you even get a touch of espianoge involving SHIELD and the Avengers (the mighty kind...not the new) during events like World War Hulk and Civil War.  So introduce yourself to Eric O'Grady, the type of hero that is a giant perv that watches you girls in the shower room and then sleeps with his dead best friends girl, getting her pregnant, while he got his best friend killed and burnt half of his face off.  All the while selling out as many people as he can but helping a couple of people along the way.  It's really pretty refreshing to see the new angle on the hero and kinda reminds me of Firestorm if Firestorm was a dick.  Plus the art from Hester is oddly delightful and effective just like it was in Green Arrow and the new Ant-Man suit design is actually pretty bad ass and much better compared to the former Ant-Man (men?) suits. 

Overall 5/5

Deadpool Classics 1-3

It's just that....



Finally the Merc with the mouth's early adventures and origins by THE Deadpool writer Joe Kelly (also Fabian Niceza).  Fuck the current run, this is what Wade Wilson is all about and has the best jokes and one liners and off the wall comments one could ask for.  Volume 1 has the early apperances and the Circle Chase and some other story I can't remember now and ends with the start of the Joe Kelly run.  2 and 3 really pick up with the Joe Kelly run with even wackier and darkly human adventures of Wade Wilson and even has the ever classic Deadpool #11 which is a rip off of an old Spider-Man comic with hilarious results.  Again why does Liefeld get so much credit for DP when it was Fabian who really made the chracter and Kelly who defined him.  Can Rob "Nilli Vanilli" Liefeld just sit on the sidelines on this one and learn to draw chracters properly?  Guys worse then Jack from Will & Grace when it comes to fame. 

...AWESOME!!!

Overall 5/5

Avengers Prime #2

OOOOKKKKAAAYYYY....wanna do acid and see an Avengers story with Cap, Iron Man and Thor?  AVP is up your alley.  Not Alvin and the Chipmunks vs. Predator but Avengers Prime.  So it takes place after Siege where those 3 get tossed into a weird Asgardian world with trolls and medieval crap and Norse gods that really make it all fairly interesting a read.  Bendis is still in good form on this one but did it really need to take two months to come out?!?  I mean Heroic Age (whatever the hell it is, personal I think it's a ani-persperant) is in full swing and we're getting a old school type story relating to Siege still?  Come on!!!  Apparently Marvel not only overuses it's chracters but it's writers as well.  But it's still a fun read and the art from Davis is still top notch and matches with the Bendis's writing.  Again with the 70's feel even with the whole Iron Man MK whatever armor on.  Cool to see that....like one of my dad's polyesther suits with the bandanna pattern on it. 

Overall 3/5



X-Force: Sex and Violence #3

One of the rare X-titles still in good shape.  This one looks at the relationship between Domino and Wolverine in a bloody all out battle.  Again with the great artwork and fun over the top violence of it all.  Plus you gotta love the title.  Say it with me  now: Sex and Violence.  Sex and Violence.  Rolls off the tongue like a skittle you can't keep in your mouth.  Plus you find out that Domino knows who the Rulk is (Red Hulk for you not in the know) which is why there is a hit on her and that you also find the why she's called Domino and not Dalmation Girl.  The art from Gabriel Dell'Otto (another fun thing to say outloud ten times fast) is phnominal and pretty dark and gritty while the writing is tight.  It's a short but sweet series but it's damn cool.  Plus it has Razorfist in it!!  FTW!  But don't worry, they get rid of his ass. 

Only 500 calories per bottle

 Overall 4/5

Bone

For a silly graphic kiddy novel, it's pretty good.  Really good.  You follow Smiley and Fone Bone, reject cousins from a village and the cute fuzzy animals that help them on their adventures.  Now I gotta warn you that the series is fucking LOONNNGG!!   Like line at the DMV long.  Ron Jeremy long.  Longer then my overgrown urethra long and can drag on.  So if you get the big book, then read it in spurts.  However they also sell individual parts to it too in collected editions AND scholasic mini books in color!!!  Read it and you find out why it's so damn good.  If you liked that, check out Owly as well.  More cute and kiddy then bones and no words so that kids and retards can understand what's going on.  However you might ask how good is Bone?  Considered one of the best graphic novel by fucking TIME magazine.  Motherfucking TIME.  Don't scoff at it but still check it out.  Very much worth it. 

Overall 5/5

Deadpool/Thunderbolts

Deadpool/Bullseye

Why can't we be friends?

Ok ok ok.  I caved and got a Way/Diggle story about Deadpool.  Not as great as Kelly's run but the amount of violence, blood, guts and gunfights mixed with a couple of funny moments make the cheap, cheap price ok.  Story?  Deadpool got screwed by Norman Osborn so he declares war on him.  So Norman sicks his own personal hit squad against him in an effort to elimainte him....with hilarious results.  As cheesy as some of the crap in this story is, it's great to watch some real violence taking place in the vein of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  So it's a fun read definetly but again, don't take it too seriously.  Medina's artwork with DP is great but Bong Dazo's (yup...that's his name.  Give you two guesses what his parents were on when the had him) artwork is pretty bad.  Everyone is overthetop and lumpy and awkward.   Doesn't anyone follow anatomy in art classes anymore?  Does anyone follow the rules of human physics either?  What fucking bizzaro world am I in?  No bones dimension X where calcium doens't exist and ligaments can bend any which way.  Dazo's art looks terribly cartoony and makes Deadpool look like suger apples or that weird gonnorhea lookin squash I saw at Trader Joes, whenever Wade has his mask off or a body part exposed.  Ewww is all I gotta say.  Art work is damn disgusting.  But luckily Paco Medina does all the artwork for the Bullseye and Tigershark fights which make the violence look more fun.  If that's even possible. 

Overall 3/5

I Kill Giants

Hotta!  Hotta!  Hotta then
Fishgrease!!

Again, Joe Kelly= Genius.  This sad little ditty about a little girl coming to terms with her moms cancer is fantastic.  The black and white artwork is very mangaish so you manga maniacs can appreciate this one.  No super hero spandex type crap in this one however it's real world and real good like Rita G's boobs (tip to Howard Stern fans).  I do have to warn you that it is very emotional so if you like Pan's Labryinth or Japanese Manga artwork and/or realworld type stories in your comics, this ones up your alley. 

Overall 5/5




The Killer

Haven't read the entire series but it is really engaging.  The story is about a contract killer in an emo mid life crisis where he's about to reach a boiling point in his career.  Think Death of a Sales men with lots of guns, sex, tits, violence and Bruce Timm-ish artwork.  Plus the character is an everyman with glasses on cause glasses makes you unthreatening.  So light em if you got em, break out the whiskey and let's get dangerous!!

Overall 4/5

Superman/Batman: Supergirl

Superman/Batman: Absolute Power



"Geez us Clark!  You scared my pet bats!"





"I wish I knew how to quit you"



Oh Jeph Loeb, how you were good before Ultimatum and Heroes with all your extremem talk exposition.  Also it features one of the last hurrahs of the late and great Michael Turner.  Never have big eyed, heavy chested women looked so good with athletic bodies and thong straps and inapproriate outfits gallore!  Also you get ALL the square jawed action you can stand.  With the Supergirl story line, you get a new telling of the Supergirl origin in fantastic artwork in the mediocore story.  Although not terrible, it's just plain fun to listen to bats and supes drone on in their first person narratives while masking their homosexual feelings for each other.

In the Absolute Power run, we get another wacky alternate time traveling history crap that over filters our senses in comics.  What if some bad guys got a hold of Batman and Superman during their childhood and raised them?  Then had them take over the world?  Then they had to fix this FUBAR situation by jumping into MORE alternate timelines with everyone trying to (and sometimes suceeding) kill them.  I love the alternate reality stuff just to watch random minor chracter pop up.  Turner doens't do that art in this one mainly because well...he died of bone cancer (RIP Mike). 

Overall 3/5

X-Men Forever

"Hey hey lets go!"

This is like if Jesus came back to earth and saw the fucked up crap that's happened and decided to do his own alternate reality timeline.  Sound confusing?  Not really if you pick up Chris Claremonts X-Men Forever.  With all the cross over world changing chaos event crap going on with Messaish Complexing War Decimating Second Coming Necroshas out there, it's nice to see the X-Men back to basics.  Again, Chris Claremont basically came back, look at how fucked up the X-titles are and is now just doing his own damn thing and his own damn thing is goooooddd.  How?  He killed Wolverine, kinda because he knew Logan was an overused plot point and concentrated on everyone else so we actually get back story on other characters!!  And no Deadpool popping up everywhere!  This reads just like an old school X-Men comic and it's nice to see Claremont back in the fucking drivers seat and going in the right direction.  I really recomend picking this one up.  It just started in July so it's only a couple of issues in.  If you are a fan of the Joss Whedon run on the X-Men, this ones for you. 

Overall 4/5

So till next time, take care and don't buy such shitty titles.  Also click on some ads pwease so I can eventually buy this thing...

Chicks dig it

The Assassination of Wade Wilson by the coward Mickey Mouse

This month had the super huge Ron Jeremy schlong sized issue of Deadpool Issue #1000 and to celebrate this endeavor we have several artists and writers contributing to shower our merc with a mouth with praise and recognition for reaching a milestone mark. However the problem is that I have NEVER seen a fucking comic reach the number 1000. Sure I’ve seen comics reach high numbers but never a grand. I mean issue 900 just came out last year and if they go at an issue a month then it makes no sense for the comic to reach number 1000! Apparently Marvel likes to employ the counting system that I use when I was trying to impress chicks at the gym, which is the same that lazy people want to use. Also the fact that I employ the lazy counting system is no way indicative of me being lazy. Ok….I lied. But I’m still awesome.

So back to issue 1K. It’s fucking terrible! I mean they got those dedication issues where they get a bunch of writers and artists to do an anthology of the character and it’s like a cheesy Simpsons clip show. To be expected but this thing SUCKS HARDER BALLS THEN MR. OWL!!!
I mean holy fuck. Lets see. Silentist Night is a parody of Blackest Night but it’s not even that funny or particularly relevant. It’s about French hats raining down like Black Lantern rings so that beings become zombie mimes. Then they got the Dr. Doom Bromance involving a facebook joke that’s only good for one panel, but here it’s stretched out for an entire page (like my suspension of disbelief) and then the cover story, the Maltese Bunny, of course a rip off of the Maltese Falcon. There are other stories but really it’s not worth mentioning or spoiling. Now I’d just sooer call it the Maltese cock juggler cause this story sucks. It’s supposed to be a dream sequence inside Deadpool’s head but it just sucks and it makes no goddamn sense. And besides, Fabian Nicieza did the Wade Detective schtick back in Cable and Deadpool and he was ACTAULLY A DETECTIVE IN THAT! Well kinda. But it was better than this rabbit raping piece of shit.
And in the history of comics, no series is THAT fucking popular but it wasn’t until I came across the numbering system for most of the Deadpool series that I found what Marvel employed which was to fucking cheat on its numbers. They combined Deadpool, Deadpool Team-Ups and Deadpool Corps so it all combines. The first issue of Deadpool Team up was in the high eighties when it fucking started. WHAT THE FUCK Marvel? And it’s all a big marketing ploy to flood us with the Merc with the mouth (and now a schizophrenic sense of reality which I don’t know if he’s always had) and issue 1000 is by far the worst of them. At least issue 900 had a kick ass cool cover and a variant cover but this one is just truly lame.
Now I know you think this is going to be a fan boy rant but seriously read on because I have actual evidence like I was Law& Ordering this bitch (with the lack of a supermodel looking partner. Apparently a prerequisite for going into the DA’s office requires a law degree, a student loan the size a whale and a gig on Project Runway). So sit down, break out a drink and get comfy. I’m not one of those guys who’s going to bitch about the fact that one of my favorite characters is too overexposed. I have not a qualm about the free weather comic fan posers who are jumping on and pretending they really know my widdle Wade. In fact I have a present of knowledge for them in the form of a high velocity knowledge impact delivery system for the fastest possible system of implanting my gratitude.

No. My gripe is that fact Marvel loves to flood Deadpool with shitty writers and shitty stories. Deadpool has really kinda taken after the Tick in a way. You see when both characters started they were cult favorites, like the Rocky Horror Picture show. They were funny and different and catchy. Like the Rocky Horror Picture show. They were fantastic and fresh but they were also filled with dramatic moments so that they weren’t all one liners. Like the Rocky Horror Picture show. However thanks to the popularity of the going to the lowest common denominator, it’s now a train wreck of cheap story lines, cheaper one liners and piss poor quality art and character development. Just like The Office. I remember reading Deadpool back in the day when he had his own series. Back when he was actually a dick. An abusive, immature, dark assassin who killed for money and constantly made one liners in that way Spider-Man uses humor to alleviate stress but also because the guy’s suffered so much that he is actually crazy. Wade Wilson’s story is not of a guy trying to do the right thing but of a guy who’s just too fucked up to begin to do the right thing. This is a guy who killed anyone for money. He was a villain. A horribly physically and emotionally scarred guy. Does anyone remember this? The part where he physically abused and tortured an old woman? And kept her hostage? Because he was a twisted lonely bastard?

Yea. He did that. He was that messed up. Like watching Rush Limbaugh wrestle Bill O’Reilly for a roasted leg of a John Stewart while they were starved and covered in edible baby oil, Wade Wilson is a wreck of a person. Wacky yes but like Jigsaw’s little second removed, slightly annoying cousin (I gotta call my cousin. He’s not wacky or annoying but he just had a baby) You’d expect to see him in Saw then….what the hell is a popular sitcom…is According to Jim still on? Well you get the idea. Then follow that up with Wade who got his ass kicked trying to save the world from an alien but failed, only to cry like a baby in the arms of Blind Al. Don’t call me Shirley but there’s something kinda endearing about a guy who can kill at the drop of a hat without hesitation but cries when he fails at doing the right thing.

He had some fucking emotional depth to explain why this guy is so insane in the membrane. Yes, insane in the brain so this shit is not all one lining cheap jokes. Wade Wilson actually had some depth. He wanted to do the right thing by doing things the wrong way. Then here was his issue with being lonely. Yes. Deadpoolio was not a ladies man, which explains why fanboys flock to him like 40 year old pervs to a Demi Lovato concert (just acouple of more years….then legality of fantasy with her and Sabrina Gomez). In fact he had a weird stalking type relationship with Siryn. But not in that lame Twitard type of way. More like me in high school.

She was probably the first to really see Wade’s potential for good amongst all his naked villainy. It came pretty close to being true love but alas, it came down to his murderous nature mixing up with Siryn’s morality of not killing, even if it was the guy who made Wade Wilson to Deadpool by torturing and experimenting on him. See? A dramatic moment. Adds depth. But it left Wade with a great sense of at least which direction right and wrong are.

Did I also mention he’s one ugly customer?

Oh and did I mention he had a thing with DEATH! Yes. It was Death, who is a chick (makes sense to me) who Deadpool was in love with. And she was also in love with him. Yea…shits real here. Real crazy but if you look it up, it’s also partially the reason he can’t die (long story. Lover’s triangle. Imagine a Drew Barrymore/Sandra Bullock movie…with guns) But lately he’s getting his fair share of tail(s).

Next on the hit it list was Vanessa, AKA Copycat. One of Wade’s true love before and after his life as a Merc with a mouth. Sadly she met a bad end as well.

Yea…but she still felt something for our Wade.

But Wade did have his jokes. Better jokes. MUCH better jokes. Like how he saved the world and defeated a brain washed Captain America.


Probably one of the most touching moments was in Cable and Deadpool which was when Cable and Deadpool (heh) talk about their respective pasts, but in that guy way where they don’t really reveal too much because they’re guys. And possibly of some homosexual tension but hey, Prop 8 got banned. Get with the times you right wing dinosaur.


You’ll see that Deadpool was a guy who just was a guy who had to harden the fuck up. Got some raw deals, made some bad choices and well…tried to do his best. There’s a reason for his humor, well besides the fact that he’s a bit insane. He’s like Peter Parker, if old Petey went the path of a villain and wasn’t so Co-dependently guilty.

All of this taking course upon the town of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Seriously…it’s a real place, but it doesn’t live up to its name. It’s like Naked Lunch, Friendly Fire or the Never ending story 2 (if the first movie was the Never Ending story, then why on earth would it need a damn sequel? Why number 2? It was a Never Ending Story!!!)

They even had a touching type of scene like the one above where best buddies Nate and Wade sharing a nice good bye moment before Cable’s island paradise was about to explode and be destroyed. That was also the Charm of the Cable and Deadpool. Wade was the levity. Nate (Cable) was the straight man. Albeit dryly funny at times but who says the straight man has to have no fun?

So why was the series so good? Fabian Nicieza, the guy who originally crated Deadpool with Rob Liefield (who also created the “pockets” era. Really look at how many fucking pockets they have. What the fuck are they filled with? If they were filled with shit that would be like eighty extra pounds on the belt alone, and that’s with just ammo. And what the fuck else is in those damn pockets? Why do I need leg pockets? With all the fucking technology you think you can take shit without so many damn pockets?!? Look at this. I mean you only fight with swords and guns and lots of kicking. How much other shit do you need? And you never see any of the characters reaching into the damn pockets. I mean pockets on your neck, pockets in your pockets, pockets in your eye sockets. Hot pockets. Pizza Pockets. Rockets in pockets. Damn this insanity!! How ammo do you need!??!!?)


Niceiza, Joe Kelly and Chris Priest are THE Deadpool writers from all the reasons stated above. You had Wade being a clown, a sometime saint (kinda), a killer and the very epitome of anti-hero. Wade was a much darker character mixing complex issues with Kelly and with Priest, we got more funny images of Deadpool being an idiot. Kelly sums up the character charm of the character in an interview several years ago “With Deadpool, we could do anything we wanted because everybody just expected the book to be cancelled every five seconds, so nobody was paying attention. And we could get away with it” Aye the rub of fame. Now you have to be watered down for the masses Wade. The early golden years was a glorious age of freedom since the character could go in any direction they wanted and not give a fuck which is the summary of Deadpool as a character. Now he’s just so watered down it’s hardly readable.

So the quality control, not being an issue here, was just nonexistent after Fabian’s leave. But enter Daniel Way who gave Wade schizophrenia. Severe schizo. Funny as it was at the moment, it became the new Rick James skit of comics where now it had to become part of the Wade’s personality along with a second inner voice. I mean come on Marvel. I know Cable and Deadpool didn’t become a huge huge hit until after it was cancelled and the sales were shitty but don’t play a brotha like that. It's not bad and Way is a good writer but it pales in comparison to his writing ancestors before him

Look at DC. They keep pretty tight control of Batman and his story arcs. Now you just go all willy nilly all over the place. X-Men vs. Vampires? Three different Avengers books? Wolverine and Spider-Man in like almost six books and three teams between them? And what the fuck is Deadpool doing in the Doom War series? Marvel Zombies 5?

And who do I blame for all this? Well the editor in chief of course. Hello Joe! Why didn’t you learn the mistakes of Spider-Man’s past? Was the attack of the clones not enough for you? You had to wreck your flagship character in the 90’s and still didn’t learn your lesson? And they just wrecked him again. I mean it’s like watching an abusive marriage unfold where the wife keeps coming back for more. Then there’s the Punisher. Yup…that’s the current Punisher in the main stream line. But the bigger culprit here is the mouse. Yea…Disney. Disney who I blame for the mass marketing ploys and reaching bigger audiences to make more money for it’s global corporate machine. And look who owns Marvel!! And yea…I know they started REALLY cranking out the Deadpool books back after X-Men Origins came out but still….I claim Disney…because I can!!! It’s the method of whoring out the characters to shamelessly appeal to the widest possible audience by watering down it’s character to reach EVERY target demographic is practiced by a ton of companies. Fall you evil kingdom!!! (Actually Disney isn’t that bad with Marvel and hasn’t really been fucking with the company too much) I mean look what they did!!! I mean holy shit Marvel. What the fuck are you doing now? We had THIS title….


And now this…


Deadpool has at least another two more series coming out after wrapping up his hyped up Merc with a mouth mini series, which turned out to be almost a fucking maxi series (btw, started promising but also sucked). Even an article in the USA TODAY plus an entire army of water downed Deadpool fans who mobbed Wondercon in SF like a goddamn plague. USA TODAY doing a story on DEADPOOL?!?!? And now we got like 4 new versions of Deadpool for the Deadpool corps….ay yi yi.
So I’m just waiting for the downfall and backlash when they REALLY fuck up Wade. Then we’ll see the hardcore fans still around. I mean I’m all for the enjoyment of Wade Wilson but sadly, it’s the mouse that rules the house now and it doesn’t look like things are going to change anytime soon. Run far Wade Wilson. Run strong. And dodge those landmines as best you can.