Quickie with Michael

Hello few believers!  The image above is to show how much I love you guys.  Just came out of the shop and wanted to give you a quick rundown of some series because writing all of these would take days and I have porn to watch.  Hopefully I'll be able to get write a full scale write up report on some of these with hilarious insults that you've come to expect from me (I knew sleeping with Lisa Lampinelli would be good for something other then money).

Crossed & Crossed: Family Values

Is there something on my face?

Should be really be known as "Rape Shower" cause that's what you need.  Ugh.  Crossed is about a strange virus that makes people kill, rape, mutilate and cannibalize each other while a rash that looks like a cross appears across the infected faces.  The story is about the people who are not infected.  Ennis started the series with a short run and David Lapham continues the wretched tale by trying to out do Ennis by being more graphic and more disturbing on Crossed: Family Values.  Honestly I think he was trying to say the monsters inside are worse then the monsters outside but there's that other series WALKING DEAD by Kirkman that's far superior and better to read with at least 45 to 50 % less rape showery feeling about it.  Hell at least the zombies don't try to rape you, just eat you if that's not disturbing enough.  Avoid at all costs like the plague or Al Pacino overacting.  Anyway...

About as disturbing as this image

Overall 0/5

Speaking ol Robby Kirkman and the upcoming Walking Dead TV series, here's an earlier work along the same vein of fucked up comics but this time with happier images! 

Irrideemable Ant-Man

  

Dear Diary....JACKPOT!



Ever wonder what it'd be like if Spencer Pratt had a super hero high tech suit?  You get the new Ant-Man.  The series only lasted like twelve issues but what a twelve issues!   Here you even get a touch of espianoge involving SHIELD and the Avengers (the mighty kind...not the new) during events like World War Hulk and Civil War.  So introduce yourself to Eric O'Grady, the type of hero that is a giant perv that watches you girls in the shower room and then sleeps with his dead best friends girl, getting her pregnant, while he got his best friend killed and burnt half of his face off.  All the while selling out as many people as he can but helping a couple of people along the way.  It's really pretty refreshing to see the new angle on the hero and kinda reminds me of Firestorm if Firestorm was a dick.  Plus the art from Hester is oddly delightful and effective just like it was in Green Arrow and the new Ant-Man suit design is actually pretty bad ass and much better compared to the former Ant-Man (men?) suits. 

Overall 5/5

Deadpool Classics 1-3

It's just that....



Finally the Merc with the mouth's early adventures and origins by THE Deadpool writer Joe Kelly (also Fabian Niceza).  Fuck the current run, this is what Wade Wilson is all about and has the best jokes and one liners and off the wall comments one could ask for.  Volume 1 has the early apperances and the Circle Chase and some other story I can't remember now and ends with the start of the Joe Kelly run.  2 and 3 really pick up with the Joe Kelly run with even wackier and darkly human adventures of Wade Wilson and even has the ever classic Deadpool #11 which is a rip off of an old Spider-Man comic with hilarious results.  Again why does Liefeld get so much credit for DP when it was Fabian who really made the chracter and Kelly who defined him.  Can Rob "Nilli Vanilli" Liefeld just sit on the sidelines on this one and learn to draw chracters properly?  Guys worse then Jack from Will & Grace when it comes to fame. 

...AWESOME!!!

Overall 5/5

Avengers Prime #2

OOOOKKKKAAAYYYY....wanna do acid and see an Avengers story with Cap, Iron Man and Thor?  AVP is up your alley.  Not Alvin and the Chipmunks vs. Predator but Avengers Prime.  So it takes place after Siege where those 3 get tossed into a weird Asgardian world with trolls and medieval crap and Norse gods that really make it all fairly interesting a read.  Bendis is still in good form on this one but did it really need to take two months to come out?!?  I mean Heroic Age (whatever the hell it is, personal I think it's a ani-persperant) is in full swing and we're getting a old school type story relating to Siege still?  Come on!!!  Apparently Marvel not only overuses it's chracters but it's writers as well.  But it's still a fun read and the art from Davis is still top notch and matches with the Bendis's writing.  Again with the 70's feel even with the whole Iron Man MK whatever armor on.  Cool to see that....like one of my dad's polyesther suits with the bandanna pattern on it. 

Overall 3/5



X-Force: Sex and Violence #3

One of the rare X-titles still in good shape.  This one looks at the relationship between Domino and Wolverine in a bloody all out battle.  Again with the great artwork and fun over the top violence of it all.  Plus you gotta love the title.  Say it with me  now: Sex and Violence.  Sex and Violence.  Rolls off the tongue like a skittle you can't keep in your mouth.  Plus you find out that Domino knows who the Rulk is (Red Hulk for you not in the know) which is why there is a hit on her and that you also find the why she's called Domino and not Dalmation Girl.  The art from Gabriel Dell'Otto (another fun thing to say outloud ten times fast) is phnominal and pretty dark and gritty while the writing is tight.  It's a short but sweet series but it's damn cool.  Plus it has Razorfist in it!!  FTW!  But don't worry, they get rid of his ass. 

Only 500 calories per bottle

 Overall 4/5

Bone

For a silly graphic kiddy novel, it's pretty good.  Really good.  You follow Smiley and Fone Bone, reject cousins from a village and the cute fuzzy animals that help them on their adventures.  Now I gotta warn you that the series is fucking LOONNNGG!!   Like line at the DMV long.  Ron Jeremy long.  Longer then my overgrown urethra long and can drag on.  So if you get the big book, then read it in spurts.  However they also sell individual parts to it too in collected editions AND scholasic mini books in color!!!  Read it and you find out why it's so damn good.  If you liked that, check out Owly as well.  More cute and kiddy then bones and no words so that kids and retards can understand what's going on.  However you might ask how good is Bone?  Considered one of the best graphic novel by fucking TIME magazine.  Motherfucking TIME.  Don't scoff at it but still check it out.  Very much worth it. 

Overall 5/5

Deadpool/Thunderbolts

Deadpool/Bullseye

Why can't we be friends?

Ok ok ok.  I caved and got a Way/Diggle story about Deadpool.  Not as great as Kelly's run but the amount of violence, blood, guts and gunfights mixed with a couple of funny moments make the cheap, cheap price ok.  Story?  Deadpool got screwed by Norman Osborn so he declares war on him.  So Norman sicks his own personal hit squad against him in an effort to elimainte him....with hilarious results.  As cheesy as some of the crap in this story is, it's great to watch some real violence taking place in the vein of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  So it's a fun read definetly but again, don't take it too seriously.  Medina's artwork with DP is great but Bong Dazo's (yup...that's his name.  Give you two guesses what his parents were on when the had him) artwork is pretty bad.  Everyone is overthetop and lumpy and awkward.   Doesn't anyone follow anatomy in art classes anymore?  Does anyone follow the rules of human physics either?  What fucking bizzaro world am I in?  No bones dimension X where calcium doens't exist and ligaments can bend any which way.  Dazo's art looks terribly cartoony and makes Deadpool look like suger apples or that weird gonnorhea lookin squash I saw at Trader Joes, whenever Wade has his mask off or a body part exposed.  Ewww is all I gotta say.  Art work is damn disgusting.  But luckily Paco Medina does all the artwork for the Bullseye and Tigershark fights which make the violence look more fun.  If that's even possible. 

Overall 3/5

I Kill Giants

Hotta!  Hotta!  Hotta then
Fishgrease!!

Again, Joe Kelly= Genius.  This sad little ditty about a little girl coming to terms with her moms cancer is fantastic.  The black and white artwork is very mangaish so you manga maniacs can appreciate this one.  No super hero spandex type crap in this one however it's real world and real good like Rita G's boobs (tip to Howard Stern fans).  I do have to warn you that it is very emotional so if you like Pan's Labryinth or Japanese Manga artwork and/or realworld type stories in your comics, this ones up your alley. 

Overall 5/5




The Killer

Haven't read the entire series but it is really engaging.  The story is about a contract killer in an emo mid life crisis where he's about to reach a boiling point in his career.  Think Death of a Sales men with lots of guns, sex, tits, violence and Bruce Timm-ish artwork.  Plus the character is an everyman with glasses on cause glasses makes you unthreatening.  So light em if you got em, break out the whiskey and let's get dangerous!!

Overall 4/5

Superman/Batman: Supergirl

Superman/Batman: Absolute Power



"Geez us Clark!  You scared my pet bats!"





"I wish I knew how to quit you"



Oh Jeph Loeb, how you were good before Ultimatum and Heroes with all your extremem talk exposition.  Also it features one of the last hurrahs of the late and great Michael Turner.  Never have big eyed, heavy chested women looked so good with athletic bodies and thong straps and inapproriate outfits gallore!  Also you get ALL the square jawed action you can stand.  With the Supergirl story line, you get a new telling of the Supergirl origin in fantastic artwork in the mediocore story.  Although not terrible, it's just plain fun to listen to bats and supes drone on in their first person narratives while masking their homosexual feelings for each other.

In the Absolute Power run, we get another wacky alternate time traveling history crap that over filters our senses in comics.  What if some bad guys got a hold of Batman and Superman during their childhood and raised them?  Then had them take over the world?  Then they had to fix this FUBAR situation by jumping into MORE alternate timelines with everyone trying to (and sometimes suceeding) kill them.  I love the alternate reality stuff just to watch random minor chracter pop up.  Turner doens't do that art in this one mainly because well...he died of bone cancer (RIP Mike). 

Overall 3/5

X-Men Forever

"Hey hey lets go!"

This is like if Jesus came back to earth and saw the fucked up crap that's happened and decided to do his own alternate reality timeline.  Sound confusing?  Not really if you pick up Chris Claremonts X-Men Forever.  With all the cross over world changing chaos event crap going on with Messaish Complexing War Decimating Second Coming Necroshas out there, it's nice to see the X-Men back to basics.  Again, Chris Claremont basically came back, look at how fucked up the X-titles are and is now just doing his own damn thing and his own damn thing is goooooddd.  How?  He killed Wolverine, kinda because he knew Logan was an overused plot point and concentrated on everyone else so we actually get back story on other characters!!  And no Deadpool popping up everywhere!  This reads just like an old school X-Men comic and it's nice to see Claremont back in the fucking drivers seat and going in the right direction.  I really recomend picking this one up.  It just started in July so it's only a couple of issues in.  If you are a fan of the Joss Whedon run on the X-Men, this ones for you. 

Overall 4/5

So till next time, take care and don't buy such shitty titles.  Also click on some ads pwease so I can eventually buy this thing...

Chicks dig it

Cosplay 101: Part 1

Right now somewhere a man is curing cancer. Right now another man is making a difference by feeding the homeless. And right now a guy like me is dressing up in tight leotard and flexing in front of mirror with toy weapons to obnoxious music, acting more bad ass then I really am. It’s Cosplay time. No not COSBY play. I mean I did play Rudy Huxtable in my school play and that one time for money at my old neighbors house but that for money. I'm talkin bout Cos-play. The time honored tradition to dress up as your favorite chracter from comics and media so that you can escape your crappy life.

So Cos-play is cool now. It’s not a bunch of man/nerd boys in cheaply made outfits they blew their money on



But this:


RANDOM HOT RIKKU!!! WAHHHH!!!
Now it’s a bunch of man/nerd boys in cheaply made outfits they blew their money on amongst hot girls dressed in skimpy outfits. How YOU doin? Heh. But that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at a train wreck such as this.

Or even recoil at this.

I don’t even know what the hell this is. It’s set me back another grand in therapy bills. And by therapy I mean this:



Cos-Play (yes, I don't know how to spell but that's ok since it keeps it fresh) is cool since let’s admit it, most everyone likes to dress up for universally socially acceptable events such as:

Halloween

Costume party


Being the Pope


RenFaire


Breaking into peoples homes.


And various other activities.


But now thanks to Hollywood embracing nerd chic and comic book blockbusters, it is now cool to dress up like your favorite character. It’s even a sexual fetish and a large crowd draw at conventions. And yes the fact that the demographics between sexual fetishes and going to conventions correlate is not really highly surprising, yet extremely entertaining at the same time.
So with the help of the lovely and talented Cristina Vee, who’s logged in more hours of doing Cosplay then I’ve spent sleeping in class and at work. Cristina is also a voice actress and a singer and a fangirl so go hire her and tell her that I sent you. It won’t get you anything but it’ll get me a credit possibly and by credit I mean that I can hit her up in five years for money or food. Don’t believe Cristina is more kick ass at cosplay then….uh….a millipede who’s able to ride a motorcycle while…uh….baking a cake….well look at these pics then:





And she’s the nicest and coolest and most talent filled person you’ll ever meet. So if you value your dignity, (Yes I know if you’re doing cosplay and you’re not a chick dignity flies out the window) then listen up to Cristina Vee cause she's got more clout in cosplay then Michelle Obama




Cristina Rule #1
“Choose a cosplay that matches your skintone and body type”
My take:
Now I know you really love that character from your favorite comic or anime and you’ve been saving all year and picking out the fabric for the perfect look of that costume, but if you look like this:


Then you’re going to look like a jimmy cracked corn on your face.

Example:
Sailor Moon

On the left is an amazing Sailor Moon. On the left is just like watching your parents huff paint, which I think probably led to this decision.
And this…

..is just hawt!!!
Now Sailor Moon is one of those costumes you have to TRY to fuck up. I mean you’re a goddamn school girl. It takes some effort to fuck that up.


Random Hot Rikku!!

Again, I know that you have your favorite character no matter what body type and ethnicity you are, I do understand. But realism does have to fall into play. I mean hell I want to go on a date with Bar Rafeli but that sixteen state restraining order gets in the way and I just have to face reality.

This is Gambit:

This is the Blob masquerading as Gambit


Grant it that Gambit is one of those costumes that's hard to translate, you gotta be realistic. I know nerds are notorious for a lack of a fitness regime but look towards comic con like you look towards going to your high school reunion especially if is a highlight in your year. And comic con comes up more than high school reunion. The fact is you want to try to look good. Not like you’re putting on weight because you plan to feed off your fat while you hibernate during the winter. Take this guy for instance.

Inyuasha (Did I spell that right? Oh hell…)

Inyuasha is a half demon guy who protects humans by fighting other demons.




Jolting Jabba the Hutt!! Here, the only thing Inyuasha is fighting is diabetes….and losing terribly. That costume must’ve taken a small pit crew of people to get him dressed and going although I’d like to think it’s a pair of highly trained monkeys who have to coordinate with headsets to get that costume going. Also if he had to live on his own fat, he’d be alright for like a good four years before he had to worry. If a zombie apocalypse happened I mean I can use this guy like a Ton Ton on Hoth and survive inside him even with the undead chomping on the bit on the outside and still be safe for at least a couple of months.

And just to prove I’m not picking on fat people, here’s Green Lantern Hal Jordan


This is not Hal Jordan

“In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night, Good God he don’t look right.” Superheroes are muscular so at least get that straight. Without actual muscles, wearing tights just makes you look like a ballerina. I mean being buff and in tights don’t make you look awesome but a great deal more better and reduces your grammer like the way I talk in this sentence. Why did I do that? Oh yea...I'm wearing tights.

Superman

NOT Superman


Here’s a good use of body type

Plus it’s fucking original and no one else is going to do it save for the fact that no one likes the Kingpin.

Here's another good one.

But of course I could've gone without seeing it but it gives you some ideas.


Random hot Rikku!!!! It never gets old.


Supergirl


Supergirl….uhhh….


OK ok...so fat superheroes aren't exactly all the rage....



Other examples:


Shatner...likes...cosplay...as well...

Like the lady said, stick with skin tone and body type if you want to look good. Although chipper Cristina is nowhere near Asian, she can pull it off because of her body type and skin tone. On the flip side, enjoy Asian Elektra



Those are possibly the largest boobs I’ve ever seen on an Asian girl….(think think think)…actually I take that back

Another example:
Mai from Fatal Fury is asian
This girl is not

But it works as opposed to fat Asian Mai

Oh Mai!
Right ethnicity. Wrong body type
On a side note, in space, when you wear tights….everyone can see your junk.



The world does not need to know when you get a boner like you're back in high school…which is going to happen because there are girls dressed like this:









Which brings me to one of MY rules:
Hot women can never look bad…in…anything.
It’s true. Look above. Now look below. Look to the side. Now look back to Cristina. These women can have less than stellar costumes and still look great. And the better the costume the better they look. I mean look at this one:



It doesn’t even make any sense. In fact it’s really cheap and lazy, like me! And yet she’s hot enough to pull it off. And now I have dirty thoughts about Pikachu. While this…



…makes me want to eviscerate kittens


Looks ridiculously hot and by that I mean ridiculous AND hot. The mask ain’t sexy but the rest of her is a plus. Then look at this.



I got no idea who she’s cosplaying and I don’t care.

Disney Princesses at Comic con? If they look like this…then why not? Hey Belle, I wanna open up your book and speak in tongues girl!!





And hey Ariel...strangely I can't think of a perverted fish joke right now



And of course, when it comes to mixing two things like sexiness and Disney characters, you're going to get the pervs that come out and not at night...



...which is their natural stomping grounds cause pervs are adversed to light. Come to think of it...that may explain Batman and that whole NAMBLA thing.

Oh no! It’s Pedobear! Look out!




Hmmm...Ariel seems unbothered by Pedobear....anyone got her number?


A hot girl in Cosplay can really make a difference. Just ask Stan Lee!

EXCELSIOR!!!

Cristina’s rule #2
“Hair and makeup are just as important as the costume itself, so really go the distance and purchase that perfect wig. Youtube has some great makeup tutorials.”

Yup yup! So…let’s take a look at good hair and bad hair

Good hair and make up


Bad Hair and no make up


Good hair and make up


Send in FEMA


Ok....it's not terrible but compared to earlier Sailor Moon this is like a watching Pulp Fiction...on public television.

Christina in a wig with good make up (and one shiny butt)


Actually…I don’t think you can fuck up Black Widow. The catsuit is just made for a certain size so sorry plus sized gals….this one might be hard to pull off cause I can’t find a not matching body type of Black Widow. Or even a bad one.

Here’s a goddamn ungodly good and expensive Vash the Stampede from Trigun


Here’s a goddamn ungodly unholy mess of Vash the Stampede from the depths of hell


Geez us. It looks like Ben Stiller from Something About Mary was his hair stylist. Also Vash has a robotic arm....

Good Ryu (and it’s a hat trick because he’s asian, matches body type and hair)



Bad Akuma...well more like sad Akuma. Someone get him a Zoloft before he gets to the roof. Plus he looks more like Lion-O's strangely quiet brother then Akuma. I expect him more to write sad emo poetry and cut himself rather then engage in a supernatural fireball fight

Yea…two different characters but you get the point.

It’s all about the little details here that make a great cosplay outfit. Which can garner you success like this:


The little details are so important in the cosplay. I can't stress it enough. See the grappling hook and color of the belt. All the pouches and all the other details that Martha Stewart likes to drool over. It's like she walked out of a comic book. Also you’ll notice that the chick who’s Pikachu is also….random hot Rikku!!


Her name is Jessica Nigri for those that are wondering and need more pics. Bwahhhhh

<3


Now lets look at Cristina. You can see the difference in her make up for Psylocke here in light colored make up and purple hair that Psylocke has


And her Black Widow with red lipstick and wig to accent her Black Widow-ness.


Mystique here also is accurate down to the hair and the eyes and the nipples that can cut diamonds and can distract you in combat while being big enough to be beaten by (which is the way I’d like to die)


Sora here has all the details down from the hair and the clothes and I think make up. I can’t tell.


Here's a great looking Jazmine (is it Z or S? Which one is sluttier? Z? I'll go with Z) from Aladdin. Note all the details in the wig (I think it's a wig. Either that or she's got some serious bed head) and the little details with the make up, accenting her eyes with eye shadow and all the other fun make up things girls wear. Then comes the details with the clothes. It's a perfect shade of baby blue and the tiara also matches and shines and her skin type is perfect in contrast to everything else. Probably photoshop but it still looks great




And here we have HOLY BEEJEEZUS BEJULIE BEJANGO!!!!!!!


Mighty mighty mighty gazonkin great job in the details here again as well. Note all the details in the skirt and clothes, which get the perfect shades of red and blue. Also the make up on Snow White really brings out the creamy tones of her skin, trying to match up to the movie as much as possible. And coupled with the fact that Snow White shops at Victoria Secrets (or Fredrick of Hollywood) make this another childhood memory that's now forever perverted...where's that tape of Snow White again...

Then you’ll notice what happens when you DON”T have all the details down.


As opposed to all the details in these












Notice Elektra's taken down every single detail including waxing her bikini zone. Also with Hawkgirl, that’s pretty bad ass with the wings although the mace the size of a basketball makes more sense than Montanna Fishburne wanting to do porn. We all know maces are supposed to be bigger than that.


Next up is Part 2: The Cute, The Bad and the Weird



But before that, check out Cristina Vee
www.cristinavee.com
facebook.com/cristinavee

*Thanks to Cristina for lending her name, pics and advice.