Zex



On the topic of zombies, since zombies were people do they have sex?  I mean all monster have sex.  That's how they have unholy abominations hanging in the pitter patter of their claw toed feet.  Vampires have sex.  Mummies.  Frankenstein even had a bride.  Plus don't forget werewolves and the creature from the black lagoon is always trying to steal women.  Everything needs something to love it or at least needs a good shag and release (heh...shag and release.  Got my next porno movie title).  Even the guys from 3Oh!3 need love too in their douche like skinny bodied ways.  Zombies can't be any different but zombie sex has to be hard since live dating and mating is hard but undead has got to be downright harder.  But not as hard for the guys of 3Oh!3 since they are successful musicians, yet they will always remain distant since they cant' trust a hoe. 



Talk about crotch rot



Getting alittle head

So why not zombies?  I mean people are horny enough alive, imagine dead when you don't have to worry bout kids or pregnancy.  However you gotta wonder about SZTD (Sexual Zombified Transmitted Diseases).  Nothing worse then the clap (which is when your genitals fall off and clap on the ground) for a zombie cause then you just gotta carry around your organs in your back pocket, literally.  Another zex life killer is explosiveitis where if a male zombie goes too long without a release, his nuts get so big that they explode, ssometimes spontaneously from the massive amount of zemen being stored in the zombie body.  Worst of all zombie masturbation can be a killer too since if a zombie is too far gone, he can literally rip it off if not careful.  The hazards also are from other zombies since zoral zex can be very deadly for obvious reasons.  No one wants a hysterectomy.  There's another image here I can give you but I won't let you know since I want all four of my readers to come back.  The biggest threat to the zombie love life is gonnapeses, a deadly combination of herpes, gonorrhea and a form of venereal disease found only in the rare and extinct skunk rabbit.  Maggots are also a bad thing too for obvious reasons but can be easily remidied wih some mild soap and regular cleanings. 



Worst...blowjob....ever





That's right baby.  Massage my brain.



However a zombie love life can be one of the most satisfying and enrichful things in the world.  You have the mutual goal of devouring living things which is the flip of reason 3 of my previous blog.  Plus if you find one you love, you can almost literally be with her forever with forever being around a month before your body rots.  And with exposed muscles and nerve endings, there's no end to the pleasure that can be brought by a gentle massage.  And if you really want to get kinky, you can even try to nom on each other, but ask for permission first before you do so because depending on what gets nomed off can be a moment killer.  Exposed nerve endings also take little stimulation if you're still alive enough to feel things and really make that climax and foreplay something to write home about.  Zombie love between an existing couple is great as well.  It gives the couple who was once alive to share in the joy of being dead and gettin it on.  Dying is quite intense and turing into a zombie isn't a trip to Disneyland unless Disneyland is filled with drugs and suger (which I'm kinda thinking it is due to the prices and that people still pay for crap)  Don't forget the erotic thrill of sharing the same casket now other wise known as the Mile Die Club.  Zombie love lives also can be short lived through due to the hazard of human survivors and rotting bodies as well as random animals and other hazards but that can make the unholy act of zombie intercourse deeply intimate and hot.  Who doesn't like the spice of danger and excitement? 

And one of the best parts about zombie love is that you can literally create another lover.  That cute girl from across the way is now next on the hit list.  Oohhhh yea.  One bite and an hour later it's time to get funky with new zussy (zombie pussy).  And for the ladies it's the same thing too so really, you can never be lonely cause you'll have other zombies around you AND the choice of lovers.  But be careful and wrap it up because zombie Aids is no joke either.  Another thing to avoid as a zombie, zombie orgies.  All those body parts falling off and flying about.  No telling who's you're fucking or who's fucking you.  Or even if that's even your sex organ you're using. 

Bite back

Dear Mike,




The blog is fantastically great but you’re ignoring one of your biggest fan bases: Zombie eaters. We corpse munchers need love too. I love zombie flesh but it’s so hard to cook. Do you have any tips on eating zombies? Great blog. Keep writing them updates.



Josh - Massachusetts

Well Josh, being that you’re from Massachusetts I have to automatically assume that you’re used to being assaulted by zombie Kennedys and Colonial soldiers. Also t I’m more used to killing zombies then eating them and lord knows I have to question your sanity in the reason for eating zombies. Anyway aside from suggesting psychiatric help, I have a handy dandy zombie cook book here.



The zombies from Massachusetts are going to be a different flavor from the zombies from the West Coast. Also considering that you’re actually crazy enough to actually want to eat a zombie makes you you’re going to get more of the colonial, George Washington type zombies that you get to munch on. So you get more of a hickory smoked flavor with healthier crap in them. With that out of the way you have to first:

1) Kill the zombie…again that is. Be sure to shoot it in the face or the neck so that you sever the brainstem. Nothing more annoying when your meal tries to bite back. If you have a flame thrower, then it cuts to the chase since you have to cook it anyway.

2) Zombies have a lower threshold for being cooked so be sure to put it out as soon as you can. Nothing worse than overcooked zombie meat since you lose most of what little nutrients that are left.

3) DO NO THROW AWAY THE BONES!! That’s where the best parts are. The marrow is the best part of it and is cooked properly.

4) Spray the zombie with the appropriate sauce while cooking.

5) Munch away.

Zombie brain Smoothie

1) Have the zombie head ready but don’t remove the jaw. Just be careful since you’re not going to be face to face with the zombie. However if you get bit, you’re going to want to do this recipe fast.

2) Lop the top of its head off and expose the brain. Pour some grinded or chipped ice into the top of it along with your favorite blended fruit

3) Swirly straw. That’s all I gotta say about that. Enjoy!

So here it all is Josh.  Enjoy your zombie feast before you turn into one and try to eat me.  I may suggest your strategy of turnabout against the zombie horde might not work so well but then your sanity of living in Massachusetts over the winter time has me questioning your sanity in general.  Bon APPETITE!!!

Dead in the water

I have now played Dead Space due to my roommates newly borrowed XBOX 360 and a copy of the game and me having a case of drinking too much coffee from thinking that assignment is due tomorrow which it isn’t. Anyway, back to Dead Space. After six minutes of playing it, the controls are basically Resident Evil 4 in space. Actually technically it’s just Resident Evil in space cause you’re fighting mutated necrotic zombies who want to eat you. Is that a bad thing? Not really. It’s actually pretty big improvement to the Resident Evil 4 considering that everything is in real time. You don’t have to hit pause to go to the inventory screen to pick out a weapon, arm it and then go back to the game. You can switch out weapons in real time which makes the game more fluid.

The environments on this thing are WAAAYYY cool. I mean this is like Event Horizon the game in a way cause they really like to show that you’re in a spaceship….in space. They have zero gravity levels where you can switch views with magnetic boots and then some parts where you go outside through holes in the ship and to places where you have limited oxygen in your odd looking space suit.



STOP BLOWING HOLES IN ME SHIP!

Story? Space zombies that mutate kill and/or eat and/or mutate you. We’ve all been their. We’ve all done that. But the cool thing is that you’re not a soldier but a salvager engineer and you have to fight these monsters with not weapons but with tools. Cool idea I thought to myself considering you actually can’t kill the monsters, you just kinda disembowel them to a point where they can’t hurt you. However this is one of my biggest gripes with the game. It’s nitpicking but if you’re Stephen Sabetti, you know I have to do it.



LIST OF “TOOLS” in Dead Space

Plasma Cutter: Alright. It’s a chainsaw basically. Makes sense considering you have to cut through metal and other stuff a salvage engineer might need to cut through.

Pulse Rifle: Umm…I guess you can come across hostile life forms such as the ones you’re fighting or you need to defend people with SPACE MAADDNESS!!! I’m ok with that.

Line Gun: A gun that shoots out a horizontal line that cuts through anything. Again a tool that can cut through rock and metal. A ok in Michael world.
Secondary fire on the line gun: Timed mine that blows up. Hmmm….well sometimes you gotta blow shit up. Ok.

Flame thrower: What the…why the hell do we have a flamethrower in space? Who needs one? I mean for self defense we have the pulse rifle but even then the flamethrower is a HORRIBLE weapon. You can’t use it outside in space cause there’s no air in space for the fire to ignite. You can’t use it inside of the spaceship because you’ll blow everyone up in the oxygen rich areas which is pretty much the entire damn ship. And how fucking stupid are you to have a flame thrower in the future? Don’t we have better weapons then this? What are the applications of a flame thrower as a tool other then setting…I don’t…each other on fire or cooking some ribs.

I don't think I'm getting my deposit back


The Ripper: A ranged, remote controlled circular saw blade. VERY COOL but…..why would you need such a thing? Who…who would want to make such a thing? I mean remote controlled saw blade equals an accident waiting to happen. Do you need to cut down space trees floating in space? Are there trees in space? I’m betting the ripper has a high accident/mortality rate to it. And you’re inside a space ship! It’s a small enclosed space and that’s just asking for trouble.

Force gun: Wide cone short range high knock back damage force blast. What kind of tool is this? I guess if you’re going to break shit up like a giant rock but is this what we’re reduced to in the future? Seeing how many creative ways we can destroy rocks? (Hopefully rocks)


Stasis and Kinesis modules:
Stasis:
Device that slows something down. Umm….ok….I can accept that.
Kinesis:
It’s a telekinetic device. It lets you pretend to be a Jedi and move things with your mind. Again…I can be down with that.


Alright. Dead Space…not a bad game. Lots of dark ambient atmospheres and things popping out at you and attacking you. Certainly a scary game. But like the other gripe about Dead Space is kinda a trademark of the survival horror genre which is objective upon objective upon objective which, is understandable since it’s a broken down space ship but man does it get tiring. I had to go find a guy, who locked himself in a room and blowing open the door to get to him. But to get the explosives I had to go down to munitions room. But the munitions room is also locked. So I have to get the key which is in sick bay but the sick bay is out of power. So I have to repair power to open the door to sick bay to get the key. But the power room is filled with monsters. So I have to kill the monsters, restore power, get the key, get the explosives, blow the door open and get to the guy to for a passcode to open another door all the while not being killed by the horrible mutated monsters who used to be my friends. Yea. I just want to tear out my hair.

Anyway the web has tons of cool side story websites to the game and it is very gross and creepy and horror filled but in the end the game overall isn’t too bad. It controls well and is a good time killer if you have like a weekend to kill. I haven’t beat it but maybe someday but in the mean time, I'm sleeping with my shot gun. Damn aliens.