Zex



On the topic of zombies, since zombies were people do they have sex?  I mean all monster have sex.  That's how they have unholy abominations hanging in the pitter patter of their claw toed feet.  Vampires have sex.  Mummies.  Frankenstein even had a bride.  Plus don't forget werewolves and the creature from the black lagoon is always trying to steal women.  Everything needs something to love it or at least needs a good shag and release (heh...shag and release.  Got my next porno movie title).  Even the guys from 3Oh!3 need love too in their douche like skinny bodied ways.  Zombies can't be any different but zombie sex has to be hard since live dating and mating is hard but undead has got to be downright harder.  But not as hard for the guys of 3Oh!3 since they are successful musicians, yet they will always remain distant since they cant' trust a hoe. 



Talk about crotch rot



Getting alittle head

So why not zombies?  I mean people are horny enough alive, imagine dead when you don't have to worry bout kids or pregnancy.  However you gotta wonder about SZTD (Sexual Zombified Transmitted Diseases).  Nothing worse then the clap (which is when your genitals fall off and clap on the ground) for a zombie cause then you just gotta carry around your organs in your back pocket, literally.  Another zex life killer is explosiveitis where if a male zombie goes too long without a release, his nuts get so big that they explode, ssometimes spontaneously from the massive amount of zemen being stored in the zombie body.  Worst of all zombie masturbation can be a killer too since if a zombie is too far gone, he can literally rip it off if not careful.  The hazards also are from other zombies since zoral zex can be very deadly for obvious reasons.  No one wants a hysterectomy.  There's another image here I can give you but I won't let you know since I want all four of my readers to come back.  The biggest threat to the zombie love life is gonnapeses, a deadly combination of herpes, gonorrhea and a form of venereal disease found only in the rare and extinct skunk rabbit.  Maggots are also a bad thing too for obvious reasons but can be easily remidied wih some mild soap and regular cleanings. 



Worst...blowjob....ever





That's right baby.  Massage my brain.



However a zombie love life can be one of the most satisfying and enrichful things in the world.  You have the mutual goal of devouring living things which is the flip of reason 3 of my previous blog.  Plus if you find one you love, you can almost literally be with her forever with forever being around a month before your body rots.  And with exposed muscles and nerve endings, there's no end to the pleasure that can be brought by a gentle massage.  And if you really want to get kinky, you can even try to nom on each other, but ask for permission first before you do so because depending on what gets nomed off can be a moment killer.  Exposed nerve endings also take little stimulation if you're still alive enough to feel things and really make that climax and foreplay something to write home about.  Zombie love between an existing couple is great as well.  It gives the couple who was once alive to share in the joy of being dead and gettin it on.  Dying is quite intense and turing into a zombie isn't a trip to Disneyland unless Disneyland is filled with drugs and suger (which I'm kinda thinking it is due to the prices and that people still pay for crap)  Don't forget the erotic thrill of sharing the same casket now other wise known as the Mile Die Club.  Zombie love lives also can be short lived through due to the hazard of human survivors and rotting bodies as well as random animals and other hazards but that can make the unholy act of zombie intercourse deeply intimate and hot.  Who doesn't like the spice of danger and excitement? 

And one of the best parts about zombie love is that you can literally create another lover.  That cute girl from across the way is now next on the hit list.  Oohhhh yea.  One bite and an hour later it's time to get funky with new zussy (zombie pussy).  And for the ladies it's the same thing too so really, you can never be lonely cause you'll have other zombies around you AND the choice of lovers.  But be careful and wrap it up because zombie Aids is no joke either.  Another thing to avoid as a zombie, zombie orgies.  All those body parts falling off and flying about.  No telling who's you're fucking or who's fucking you.  Or even if that's even your sex organ you're using. 

Z's The Seasons

I was on Roosterteeth.com earlier and was combing through the comics they have on there when I found this

So it got me thinking how this covers both Thanksgiving and Halloween.  But then I realized that every holiday is really a great basis for zombie attacks and the zombieness would be an enriching and rewarding experience for any occasion.  How?

Presented to you in NUMERO VISION!!!!

1) What better way to connect with family and friends then going up against a zombie hoard.  It makes you work as a team because you HAVE to work together in order to live.  That fight over that pastrami sandwich that your brother stole while your sister was stealing your wallet seems pretty trivial when you're about to be eaten.  Plus instead of killing things on XBOX live with your friends, you can now work together to kill things in real life.  It just brings you all together.  OR If you really don't like them, just get them eaten

2) Zombieness promotes family values!  What better father/daugther/mother/son/stepkid/weird cousin activity can enrich your relationship then teaching them how to set traps for zombies or loading and cleaning guns?  Your kid needs to learn about personal responsibility?  Well how more responsible for yourself can you get under the threat of being gnawed on by a zombie hoard if you fuck up?  That's how I learned fifth grade algebra and how to tie my shoe (to this day I never fuck up on either of those and have a unnatural fear of being eaten in my sleep).  On top of that, you or your loved ones learn valuable life saving skills.  I wish my father had taught me how to jury rig a broom and rolling pin into a machine gun when I was a lad.  Another trait is scavenging where folks have to get together to go out into the danger filled areas to get more supplies to survive.  Great times!!

3) Meet new people, maybe even find that special someone to watch your flank as you clear out a room.  Then you can watch their "flank" later.  (Giggaty giggaty).  I mean look at every zombie movie in existence.  Everyone of them has a rag tag group of people with inexplicable accuracy with weapons and a strange array of random knowledge that allows them to survive by the skin of their teeth regardless of the stupid decisions they make. And they always come from all walks of life and meet up in the most random ways. 


 

Zombies are saying: "Awwww" 
Get it?


Occasionally a couple or two fall in love amiss all the carnage and gory slaughter.  Picture it: You seeing that one person from across a room filled with undead body parts, still twitching and smoking from being blown apart.  Eyes lock and you guys feel like you've known each other forever as you both instinctually turn to each other and kill the undead abortion behind each of you, saving each others lives as you both admire each others skill and form with quick, sly smiles as pieces of blood and dusted flesh sprinkle down upon in a haze of disgusting frosting upon the sugercake of your love.  Ahhh...romance.....plus I have that someone special in my mind already to share that amazing moment with before they're bitten, thus forcing me to kill them but hopefully not before having hot, sweaty animal sex.  Or at least till we make out and I get to cop some boobage.  Plus the imminent danger adds a level of excitement and horniess that nothing can match.  They say makeup sex is the best.  Pishaw!!  Try survival/celebration sex.  Plus chicks are vulnerable in this moment and they also really dig your vulnerability.


4) Most holidays are rife for zombie enrichment. 

Halloween?  Come on now.  Although it can lead to many accidental shootings if someone dresses up as a zombie but if they're dumb enough to dress up as one then they should be shot.  It's like wearing a meat dress to a dog show.



Thanksgiving?  Zombie pilgrims and zombie Indians banding together to exact revenge on future generations.  Gnaw on a turkey leg while trying to stop a zombie from gnawing on you.  It's a regular family affair as uncle Ted snipes from the ceiling and crazy veteran cousin Dan has his PTSD come in handy for a change as he uses it slaughter the undead and command.  And the worst part, zombie turkeys.  Nuff said

X-mas?  Death-mas.  Grandma got run over by a reindeer for after ripping out Grandpa's throat.  What?  Grandma wasn't a zombie?  Just feral?  Well, would've had to put her down anyway.  And the kiddies are up anyway awaiting Santa, so it'll be extra incentive to survive the night as they wait by the chimney...with shotguns, not milk and cookies.  Just be sure to tell them that every noise isn't Santa on the roof but undead neighbor Jill trying to come eat them in a feast of gore. 

New Years?  Gore fest at midnight!!  Same as above except with alcohol at midnight.  This time it'll be ok to shoot in the air since you'll eventaully hit a zombie wandering around and distracted by the lights.  Plus drunken gun battles are ACTUALLY a great idea this time

Valentines Day?  See reason 3

Flag Day?  Put up your flag.  Kill some zombies

Memorial Day?  Remember to kill some zombies

Presidents Day?  What better way to honor your nation then blowing away a zombified George Washinton.  

All hail Presidet Zombama



Groundhog Day?  If a groundhog sees a zombie and goes back in it's hole, it's three more weeks of winter. 



It's Bill Fucking Murray.  I know
that isn't your middle name.



St. Patricks Day?  Get drunk.  Shoot zombies.  Vomit.  Drunk dial ex.  Shoot more zombies.  Drink.  Vomit.



Water into wine?  Brains to food!

Easter?  Come on.  Crucified and rose from the dead?  You know how hard it will be to fucking kill Goddamn zombie Jesus?  And I really mean God-damned.  It'll take everyone you know to band together to celebrate our savior by pumping him full of buckshots and putting him back in the ground. 


Cinco de Mayo? A day without a Mexican zombie...or white zombie...or...well you get the idea. 

April Fools Day?  Oohhh...this just has laughter written all over it. 

Zombiefying the holidays really work well.  It'll cull the population and help us appreciate life.  Plus make good use of the second amendment laws. 

So get ready for the holiday season folks!  Rack up your shotguns, load up on supplies and get some of your loved ones together. 



All I Want For Christmas Are My M-16's







The Monster Mash

Food. Food. FUD. Now I wanted something to eat during class when we were watching a movie which was called Tortilla Soup. Of course with a title like that I got hungry and for good reason. Luckily I had a bit of cookie with me to tide me over and that’s when it hit me, if zombies are dead, why do they need to eat people? They’re dead. Their stomachs don’t work. If I blew out a zombies stomach, they’d still want to try to gnaw on me for no good reason. And would zombies even have working teeth? Teeth would kinda fall out since they’re dead.

At this point I used my ability to split my attention between the movie and this important question. So I broke down the fact:

1) Zombies are dead. If zombies are dead, they don’t need to eat. They’re made to be eaten by organisms such as fungi and bacteria. And they don’t need energy cause they’re dead. I can blow out their stomachs with a shot gun and they’d still try to eat me. I mean fucking corpses don’t need to eat. I mean even the rage zombies from Dawn of the Dead and 28 days later are fast as fuck and run around liked crazed monkeys and that would require lots of energy but then the zombies would starve cause (sing it like the Ludacris song) TOO MANY ZOMBIES! NOT ENOUGH FOOD!


Let’s also look at other corpses:

Frankenstein: With zombie logic he should be wanting to fucking eat everyone instead groaning and walking around stiffly and playing with flowers. I mean he’s fucking made of corpses (corpses of Denver Nuggets, a Simpson’s reference) and he doesn’t want to eat anything. And on top of being made of corpses he’s got a fucked up brain in his head and he doesn’t want to eat shit! Zombie logic is flawed here

The Mummy: Another walking corpse and what does his instinct tell him? Strangle bitches. That’s it. Zombie logic fails again here. He's even got the bandages to clean himself up after eating people and even going to the bathroom after a hearty meal of people but he doens't want to eat people. He's not even fast.

Vampires: What are they called? The walking dead and that sounds like zombies. Walking dead. And on top of that they have shit loads of powers like the power to convince people that being seduced and killed by having your blood drained from you is sexy. Thanks Anne Rice. Why women love vampires I will never understand. To me, vampire Angelina Jolie would look sexy but I would remember that vampire Angelina Jolie would still result in one thing, my death.

Jesus: He came back from the dead. And on top of that he doesn’t want to do anything except make more fishes and bread for people. He wants to feed them not eat them, unless he wants to fatten them up first. But does the bible ever mention of eating folks? No. Zombie logic fails again


So the logic of zombies wanting to eat people doesn’t make a lick of sense. Virus’s or voodoo, zombies just shouldn’t want to eat folks.