Zero Hour

Insert Joystick Joke here

It took nearly ten years but the saga is finally at an end. Spartan-117 has defeated the Covenant, ODST’s are happy with not being dead and helping the earth, and Sgt. Johnson has been killed along with a ton of other non existent heroes of the Great War period. That leaves us with to remember where it all started. Remember Reach. But I’m not talkin bout Halo: Reach. I’m talking about Halo Zero.

Isn’t that Halo: Reach? Yes. And no. Welcome to the one super-fan’s dream as he envisioned Halo like it was a crappy “what if?” comic. We all know how great those are.

What if Doctor Strange wasn't a pussy?

So the “what if?” scenario here is “What if Halo was released back in the golden age of the 16 bit revolution? Actually I’m more sure that it’s was some guy saying: “Hey. I want to play Halo from the Fall of Reach scenario” waaayy before Halo: Reach was released. Anyway it brings us to this. Halo Zero. It’s a side scrolling idea that gives us the chance to fight our way through split lipped alien bastards and escape from Reach as Master Chief. After finishing the superior Halo: Reach, I’m going to get to Halo Zero and play from a different angle. Oh and btw: It’s not sponsored by Bungie. They just used the logo.



*klick klack BANG* Our residents...*klick klack BANG* are trying *klick klack BANG* to sleep!



As you can see here the graphics are pretty good. It’s bright and colorful with the sprites for all the soldiers and aliens done with all the finest graphical articulation that 1992 could bring us. The movement is smooth as a baby’s but being oiled up and slid across a hockey rink while being pushed with a broom on a slip and slide. I honestly thought the sprites for this game would be cheap but I was actually impressed with it as I moved Chief forward and backwards.  Also his movements in aiming and shooting. But it was then I noticed it was just the Chief’s legs that were moving with fluidity. The rest of him was kinda choppy. Well him and the alien’s whose movements weren’t as smooth as the Spartans. It’s a minor gripe but the movements of Chief’s legs are so mesmerizing I feel like I’m looking at Phoebe Cates from Fast Times as she comes out of water since it’s so fucking graceful. 

Next up in the saga

The controls are a bit weird at first to get used to. Since you push the button to move right, meaning you run towards the right of the screen and vice versa. I know it’s basic knowledge and me posting this means that I just devalued my college degree by a level. However keep in mind I’m a multiplayer guy where the keyboard controls are altered. Plus I’m going from FPS to side scroller (or side scrotum as I like to call it) so give me a break here. But what’s this? The default control to move forward is T and the move backwards is Q? The button to pick up a weapon is 7 while reload is B? Did the guy who set the defaults just wanted to fuck with me or did an alien monkey’s lay eggs in his brain? Either way I had to reset everything to my liking. Oh and you shoot with the mouse. It’s a godsend that I was able to change the controls because if this was all keyboard, I’d have to press F12 with my nose to shoot while my hands were pre-occupied. It’s just a side scroller. I’m not programming Pentagon missile defense codes against the Russians.

The game runs smoothly and it takes me back to an oh so pleasant time in my childhood where I sat too closely for hours in front of the TV while my parents left me to my own devices. Plus it’s Halo so the only thing that could make it better would be eating a plate of bottomless nachos being hand fed to me by beautiful alien hand maidens. I can pick up weapons and drop them. They all the sound effects from Halo AND they even have the score from Martin O’Donnell in full quality. Not any cheap Mario Paint Midi remix. They even have the shield, ammo and grenade meters from the first came. Plus the targeting reticules are accurate for every weapon you pick up.

However I noticed two major flaws in the game.

1) I CAN”T DODGE ANY ALIENS SHOOTING AT ME. Man they just have that good an aim. No wonder we’re losing this fucking fictional future war? I mean they don’t miss ONCE! The entire game just turns into a game of “I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!! NO I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW!!!” Plus I understand machines not missing but aliens? Come on!!! This is like a slightly higher tech version of rock em sock em robots or what I like to call my family gatherings. No matter what I do, run backwards, run forwards, jump, duck, I always get shot. The game degenerates into crawling forward slowly so I can take on one guy at a time and waiting for my shields to regenerate. That's not strategy. I know it's kinda similar in Halo but the thing is at least you have different angles to attack.  This is just a line of guys ready to run a train on me or me runing a bullet bukkake on them.

I figure the one godsend would be the driving levels where I can run shit over in my Warthog while a gunner takes sweet pleasure in riddling alien bastards with holes. I start to drive forward past aliens at full speed but my fucking gunner does nothing. Next I start taking damage until I die! Wait!? WHAT?!?!?! THAT’S NOT HALO!! I’m supposed to run them over but nothing happens. I only ever kill aliens with the Warthog is when I time a jump or slow down for a moment in front of a couple, which is not a guarantee kill either. I move the mouse to see a targeting reticule on screen. So I gotta drive and shoot but wait, I can’t do that either at full speed. I just end up taking damage. Now I’m playing the faster version of the face shooting game. Let’s just call this fucking game FACESHOOTER!! I can’t even dodge in the damn car!! As AVGN would say: What a shitload of fuck.

 

2) Glitch glitch glitch. What? Graphics? No. I mean controls. At some point in the game the controls just begin to lose most of its responsiveness. When I say most. I mean all. I don’t know why it happens but Master Chief apparently just likes to run even after I take my hands of the button to move forward. This wouldn’t be as bad if I could shoot but he’s so concentrated on becoming the embodiment of Usain Bolt that he forgets to shoot his gun and just takes it on the chin. Think that’s bad? Sometimes he just LOVES shooting his gun that he just keeps doing it until there’s no more ammo or he tuckers himself out. It’s either that or just doesn’t want to move at all. He likes to take it on the chin. I thought it was my computer at first but even after checking my hard drive, RAM and killing all other programs, Chief still had a mind of his own. Apparently Chief back on Reach just liked to act as if he’s a slut with ADHD. Strangely most sluts I know seem to have ADHD as well. Hmmm….

So is that about it? Actually yea. The game is a nice time killer and would be alright if save for the fact that it just turns into a game of tag. I tried it on Legendary and basically I couldn’t even get past the first Elite. I just got killed in two hits. It’s more like Robocop from the NES except that I can actually dodge in that game.


The funny thing is that they actually have a multiplayer option where you link up over a network to kill each other. I didn’t get to try this because NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING THIS GAME!!! I mean if I had a chance to play THIS:

Or THIS:

I think the choice is obvious.

FYI: One of the worst weapon combos to have

Included is even a level designer. Why?  So I can create perfect sniping spots!!  How do I snipe in a side scroller?  Well I basically hit the fire button and it zooms me ahead but three feet where he enemies just can’t see me because if someone’s off screen, they’re invisible.  Then I pick my spot and shoot.  For an annoying sniper like me, it’s like smoking going on a date with Megan Fox and finding out she’s turned into a rotting zombie.  A fat rotting zombie.  What's even better?  You can actaully MISS while sniping.  You can place the targeting chevron over the face and fire and it will not hit.  What's worse if that it takes more then one shot to kill things with a torso shot.  It might not be a big thing but in the regular Halo that counts as a kill.  That's what you get for getting a sniper rifle designed by Mr. Maggoo Industries. 

So would I recommend this game? Sure if you’re 360 got the red lights and you’re stuck without a Halo fix that you REALLY need badly. But again, this game can be beat in like 30 mins on normal and hard. Plus it’s free so why not.

http://www.fileplanet.com/159240/150000/fileinfo/Halo-Zero-%5BFree-Game%5D

Avast-Son

Hello few believers!  It's my bi-annual award season but not for bisexuals because they got it good since they get to double their chances of dating and sex like the great omnivores of the past.  Huh?  What?  We're omnivores?  Score.  Wait....Wouldn't that make us bi-vores or bi munchers?  Bi-Munchers.  I found a new word.  Anyway for every person that writes in, leaves a comment get an award for this point on for the month of September.  Also at a very soon point in time I shall bestow upon my readers the illutrious award of the Diamond Spoon!!  But it's not time for that, yet however I'm tackling the age old question that has plagued philosophers from Pluto to Hasselhoff



Ninja

 


Pirate

 

      vs.

 

This is erotic model Aria Giovanni.  She has nothing
to do with the fight between pirates and ninjas

First of all you have to understand that this fight has been ongoing involving many factions from the Ewoks to the Imperial Troops to Jedi to Crips and Bloods and ultimately the Coca Cola Company (dern red devils) and Pepsi (dern blue Mormons) that we have to just boil it to the original pirates and ninjas irregardless of all the factions involved. 





Now the war between the two sides occured during the US Invasion of Afghanistan.  Neither side were a part of the conflict, it just took place at that time.  It was then the dreaded pirate Roberts met the ninja Ryu Hayabusa in the town of Oktoberfest, Virginia for Beerathon since pirates are well known for drinking and debauchery as well as ninjas, to a lesser extent.  The details aren't well known but we do know that the right of parlay was invoked by Roberts at his attempt at arbitration but that was when he was met in the face by a ninja star.  It wasn't until sometime later that parlay means "pickle-footed-turd-jergller" which attributed to the short lived battles between cowboys and ninjas in which hundreds of cowboys got ninja stars to the face. 



So with a ninja star to the face, Roberts ran from the battle and returned to his ship, Slave I and spoke to the head of the pirate nation who promptly did nothing.  Then ate a sandwich.  Then called the head of the ninja nation to flesh out an agreement which quickly escalted into a musket sandwich delivered to the head of the ninja nation via quick deilver system through the phone. 

So that started the fight of the nations between the pirates and ninjas.  Never forget that's why those two factions are at war so when ever you have beer or German food (My personal favorite is the corndog.  Yes corndog is German.  If it wasn't then why do they have it at Wienerschnitzel huh?) remember that druken misunderstood rage and fatty food was what started the most epic war of all time, PWN (Pirates W Ninjas)  I have yet to come up with what the W means.

Only The Lonely....

It's that time of year on that time of day where I reflect on shit.  Why can't I find the perfect girl like this....

Welcome To The Guy: Hope You Survive

My 8 bit glory hole has experienced a great deal of things. Losing my game virginity to Super Mario back in the 80’s. Being ass raped for the first time by a boss in Contra. Befuddled by why my parents bought me Nintendo Golf as a 7 year old child. I mean I didn’t mind golf but who wants to play it on a video game? No it’s not cool Mario golf but regular ass 8 bit golf. Then again the guy on the box does have a mighty porn stache. But time passes along and so does technology. Now I can enjoy the near vivid experience of fake big titted virtual women blow up vampire zombies and kill innocent civilians who engage in various sex acts all in glorious 1080P HD.

But something is still so cool about the old 8 bit Nintendo systems. I can still remember the thrill of getting Ninja Turtles the arcade game back during X-mas, thinking that Santa got it for me and being amazed that it was like the arcade, albeit not as good graphically but it was never so much fun to beat up foot soldiers and mousers. Thank again mom and dad!! So when I heard there was an insane 8 bit game called I Wanna Be The Guy, I was interested. Justin told me about it and showed me a video and it was the most insane looking thing on earth. I mean the video has this little 8 bit guy running through the wet orgy dream of my 8 bit fantasies. He was running through Kirby’s dream land, then Castlevania along with Mega Man’s level, all with the music too!! And then mixed in with some enemies that were out of Street Fighter, ZALK! (Hulk+Zangief=ZALK! However I don’t imagine them having a love child because it’s physically impossible and more disturbing than watching Human Centipede so just imagine Zangief being blasted by gamma rays and turning green) And I noticed one more thing. This game was impossibly hard. I mean they had some insane shit in it. I mean I had to be on drugs or really wanting fuck with someone to make this impossible level of game design. So naturally I had to try it myself.

It wasn’t hard to find since it was actually kinda popular but the title scared me on google. I WANNA BE THE GUY. A VERY HARD GAME ABOUT A BOY AND 8 BIT MASOCHISM. But ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I may leave in a body bag but never in cuffs. I ain’t no punk so I got on board and downloaded that bitch and in minutes I was playing as the guy.

But first of all let me tell you about the FAQ screen. It’s almost as entertaining as the game:

Emotional Overreactions to the game (General)
________________________________________


Q: You're a bastard.

A: Yes.



Q: APPLES DO NOT FALL UP

A: They're more like giant cherries....



Q: What the fuck is your problem?

A: I love too much.


Q: Q: What is this game made in?

A: It's a rom hack of battle toads.

Q: But battle toads wasn't anything like this!

A: It is toward the end? Have you ever got to the end of battle toads?

Q: No but...

A: Then shut your whore ass mouth and take my word for it. I also used a bit of Multimedia fusion.


Q: Can I get IWBTG on my PSP/DS? :D :D :D :D

A: No. It's impossible to port. To top it off, I'm so irrated by this question I may just ban you for bringing it up.


Q: What about Mac/Linux? D:

A: WINE works! Go google it and give it a try! :D

Sounds like my kind of guy.

Story? It’s about a kid who’s name is the kid who’s trying to avenge his grandfather who was killed by the guy. Now on his quest he has to go on some insane levels and collect 8 units, most which are unobtainable and cannot be obtained…(I said that twice didn’t I?) And that’s about it. The game in my rankly amateurish yet awesomely pedestrian opinion is actually well designed. The beginning screen even has some crappy grammar which makes parodies the early 8 bit ports from Japan. Or this guy is a product of the American educational system. It seamlessly integrates all the great old 8 bit and some Super Nintendo and I think a Playstation game or two, all together. You run through Kirby’s dream land which the apples fly up to try to hit you, through the bowels of Draculas castle and ride a wild ride upon a sword skewering Link from Legend of Zelda. You never really knows what comes next. This brings me to the next thing about the game.

EVERYTHING TRIES TO FUCKIN KILL YOU!!! THE TEXT BOXES!!! THE CUTSCENES!!! ERROR MESSAGES!!! RANDOM CRAP FLYING!! I’m not making any of this up. This isn’t my insane ranting psychobabble. It's like living in Inspector Cleseaus house from the Pink Panther with Kato jumping out and attacking you randomly. All this shit does try to kill you. Example?

In Castlevania: Symphony of the night, there is a cutscene in which Richter Belmont and Dracula talk before the fight. Then Dracula (YES!! DRACULA! NOT EDWARDD YOU DAMN TWIHARDS!) throws a glass of wine (or blood. Its red is all I know) he’s drinking towards you and it breaks on the floor which signals the beginning of the fight. In this game, you have the exact same cut scene where the guy talks in a hilarious high pitched voice cause he’s a tiny guy and Dracula throws the glass but the glass this time hits and kills you. Oh did I forget to mention that you die in one hit no matter what hits you? The glass counts as a hit. Yes it does. You still have to fight him afterwards but it hits you and you die. WTF?!?!? Now the game doesn’t tell you that at all. There’s nothing to signal that to you and that’s not the only part of the game that does that. Multiple parts of the game do that. And this boss fight is hard enough in the regular game. In this one it’s damn near impossible and will keep you up at night.

So you got an idea of what you’re up against but honestly, you really don’t know what you’re up against. Here’s the first level. Guess where you have to go? I’ll be helping you out here. No it ain’t to the bottom of the screen. It’s to the wall. Yup. The wall. If it wasn’t for the walkthrough on youtube I would STILL be on this fucking first level watching the gruesome murder of a 15 year old digital, imaginary pixel boy. If that ain’t bad enough check out the path you have to take to get to the next part of the game.

Think it’s easy? Not when things are popping up and trying to kill you. That’s only part of the insanity awaiting you since apples fall up and try to hit you. Yes…they fall up. Enemies can pop up at random times.
Another part of the game has an error message pop up telling you the game has fucked up suddenly like Lindsay Lohan. However the error box will suddenly fall and crush you and then the game over screen pops up. YES! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DODGE THAT!
And then random bullshit will come up such as a Mega Man level where you stand still at a certain point, an enemy will drop and kill you. Rock man will drop specifically and kill you. Without warning. That’s just some of the shit that will turn you into a baby, crying for therapy, hugging your knees in horror and rocking back and fourth in the corner of the room mumbling “R will respawn” over and over again. If that’s the case I know some good therapists. Josh is one of them.
So on top of that random shit, the levels are completely overly clusterfuck that rapes you. I mean look at this. How the fuck do you get past that? Then there are invisible blocks that appear as platforms. Not hard enough? There is no indication to where they are and as soon as they appear they fall. So think you’re John fucking McClain? You’ll be yelling like him as you are along your way and the FUCKING MOON FALLS ON YOU! Yes. At one random point the moon falls on you. There is no warning or even reason why it falls on you. You can only survive it by getting in a small crevice. And then it chases you down. Think that’s bad? Wait till jumping spikes try to eat you.
My personal favorites are the boss battles. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!!! WTF!?! You are fighting Mike Tyson. Yes, that Mike Tyson and you’re about to go down like fat boy from the Hangover with one hit. Luckily he follows the same pattern as the Punch Out Game so if you remember that you’ll be ok. If not then you might want to gamefaqs it. If that’s not insane enough you have shoot him with your little pea shooter gun which yes actually hurts him while he punches out the very blocks you stand upon.
Next up is Zalk who not only spins but shoots Blankas and fireballs from his body at you. Yes…you read right. He’ll shoot little mini Blanka’s which you have to ride upon to shoot this guy as spikes fall from the sky and try to impale you. That’s not even the most insane of bosses in this game.


Then other crap comes out. Random crap. Like this!!!

No warning….he’ll just appear and clear a level for you.
But the strangest and semi infuriating part is the Legend of Zelda part where you are offered the sword. In the original game you go in a cave and are offered a sword which you need. In this game you are offered the sword but if you jump on it, you die and this message appears.

And outside of the cave you have a giant Link walking across spikes you have to ride up but if that’s not dangerous enough, he’ll stick his sword up your ass at random times and kill you.

And think me giving you these spoilers will make it easy for you? HA! NO! The only thing I’m doing is telling you that you’re entering a mine field. Not giving you the fucking directions. I mean this game is insanely designed!! What mad scientist spawned this shit? Regular games weren’t hard enough so he had to make this? I mean you have a chance to beat the game, albeit the same chance that I have of beating Stone Cold Steve Austin in a Hell in a Cell. The only way the game can get harder is if the characters come out of the game to actually stab you to death if you fuck up and then as you die, shock you with jumper cables as scorpions come and sting you, injecting you with salt and chili pepper juice as Mike Tyson jumps out and punches you. And if you’re a girl, you don’t want to know what Mike Tyson will do

The controls are descent in the game and pretty responsive but you have to change it up if you’re playing on keyboard because the jump button is the SHIFT key. And if you hit that enough it’ll activate the Windows sticky key feature which pops up and makes you lose control of the game, which I’m sure the designers did on purpose. That and my hand really started cramping up after about 20 minutes and it got worse because I had to constantly switch between going to the youtube video of the walkthrough and back to the game to know where the fuck I am going…and I STILL DIED! So I would really recommend having an external USBmouse and a joypad because that’ll help you get more control of the guy and your thumbs will thank you immensely.

Oh and if you die, you go back to the beginning of the level or the last save spot you hit. Sure you have save spots but that’s how the game gauges difficulty. The harder the level you choose, the less save spots there are. They even have a level of difficulty called impossible and they’re aren’t fucking kidding. Impossible mode has ONE save spot. You die, you go back to that save spot. HOLY FUCK!!! The number of enemies doesn’t go down. The levels don’t have lessspikes and the enemies don’t take any less hits. It's easier to fight this fucking thing... And you thought Ninja Gaiden was bad. In a way it’s a tribute to the old 8 bit games of yore where the games did not fuck around and you needed an act of God, skills of an experienced gaming mercenary or a goddamn game genie. These kids these days have it all too easy with memory cards, save games and multiple save spots. It makes them soft. Notice the occurrences of kids dying in cars on hot days since the games started having multiple save spots? Soft. We had poorly scribbled down codes on pieces of paper, backs of gaming manuals and magazines as well as drawn out maps to levels. And among the physical sacrifices we had bad backs and legs from sitting and screaming for hours at being killed in the game, child arthritis from non ergonomically designed gaming controls and fucking bad ass eyes from squinting so close to the TV. That was hardcore.

And however that brings another problem of the game. You are so small and there is so much crap flying around you at the same time you have to look around carefully at what’s flying around at you while being aware of where to land. This chaos makes me think the game should be renamed “I Wanna SEE The Guy” because of fucking tiny you are. And you think being tiny would make it easier to dodge? Not necessarily since objects flying at you are like the FUCKING MOON! Look at how big you are compared to the fucking spikes. In reality if the spikes are bigger then you, you think you should slip between them.

The game does have a kicking old school soundtrack of course all from video games of the past as well as the sound effects. All crisp and clear. I played it on my new laptop and the graphical accelerator made it utterly crystal clear and gave some color in detail to the small pixels.

Control-wise the game plays exactly like Mega Man. You can run jump, double jump, slide on walls, jump off walls and shoot so if you’re used to Mega Man then you shouldn’t have too hard a time adjusting to this game at all and believe me it’s going to be a fast learning curb. Just watch some of the videos and you’re going to have to have a thin margin of error on maneuvering in this game. I don’t know how these guys got so good unless you played this game over and over again, dying each time and trying to avoid dying that way again until you finally got it so you don’t die by some weird muscle memory in some sick version of Groundhog Day. Or it would just be hell.

So do you want to try the game? Are you MAN ENOUGH TO STAND UP TO THIS 8 BIT CHALLENGE AND CONQUER IT!? BETTER MEN AND WOMEN THEN YOU HAVE TRIED AND HAVE BEEN DEVOURED BY THE MAW OF THIS EVIL. Then try it out. The links are at the bottom of the page. But I warned you. The game is made by idle hands and those are the devils playthings.
http://kayin.pyoko.org/iwbtg/