On the eve

Dear Santa,

Here's a list of things I want for X-Mas.  If I do not recieve these items, Wikileaks will be featuring a new article on your so called "humane and cruelty free" practices of your staff and "PETA Friendly" ways that your handle your reindeer.  They are currently numbered for your convinience


1) A working replica of the sniper rifle from Halo: Reach.  The SRS99 that's a true Anti-Materiele Rifle. 

2) Heather Morris

3) Olivia Munn and/OR Olivia Wilde

4) A New fire extinguisher

5) A Dog

6) A Cat

7) World Peace (By force if it must be done)

8) A week to play in snow

9) The ability to make snow monsters

10) A nice new camera

11) A never ending condiment gun

12) Money.  Lots of it

13) The ability to go back and change things

14) A cool job that pays alot. 

15) The abilty to read minds

16) Random girls

I think you shall find these things easily obtainable.  I wait to hear your answer by tonight.  Remember.  The choice is yours.

Merry Christmas!

Zero Hour

Insert Joystick Joke here

It took nearly ten years but the saga is finally at an end. Spartan-117 has defeated the Covenant, ODST’s are happy with not being dead and helping the earth, and Sgt. Johnson has been killed along with a ton of other non existent heroes of the Great War period. That leaves us with to remember where it all started. Remember Reach. But I’m not talkin bout Halo: Reach. I’m talking about Halo Zero.

Isn’t that Halo: Reach? Yes. And no. Welcome to the one super-fan’s dream as he envisioned Halo like it was a crappy “what if?” comic. We all know how great those are.

What if Doctor Strange wasn't a pussy?

So the “what if?” scenario here is “What if Halo was released back in the golden age of the 16 bit revolution? Actually I’m more sure that it’s was some guy saying: “Hey. I want to play Halo from the Fall of Reach scenario” waaayy before Halo: Reach was released. Anyway it brings us to this. Halo Zero. It’s a side scrolling idea that gives us the chance to fight our way through split lipped alien bastards and escape from Reach as Master Chief. After finishing the superior Halo: Reach, I’m going to get to Halo Zero and play from a different angle. Oh and btw: It’s not sponsored by Bungie. They just used the logo.



*klick klack BANG* Our residents...*klick klack BANG* are trying *klick klack BANG* to sleep!



As you can see here the graphics are pretty good. It’s bright and colorful with the sprites for all the soldiers and aliens done with all the finest graphical articulation that 1992 could bring us. The movement is smooth as a baby’s but being oiled up and slid across a hockey rink while being pushed with a broom on a slip and slide. I honestly thought the sprites for this game would be cheap but I was actually impressed with it as I moved Chief forward and backwards.  Also his movements in aiming and shooting. But it was then I noticed it was just the Chief’s legs that were moving with fluidity. The rest of him was kinda choppy. Well him and the alien’s whose movements weren’t as smooth as the Spartans. It’s a minor gripe but the movements of Chief’s legs are so mesmerizing I feel like I’m looking at Phoebe Cates from Fast Times as she comes out of water since it’s so fucking graceful. 

Next up in the saga

The controls are a bit weird at first to get used to. Since you push the button to move right, meaning you run towards the right of the screen and vice versa. I know it’s basic knowledge and me posting this means that I just devalued my college degree by a level. However keep in mind I’m a multiplayer guy where the keyboard controls are altered. Plus I’m going from FPS to side scroller (or side scrotum as I like to call it) so give me a break here. But what’s this? The default control to move forward is T and the move backwards is Q? The button to pick up a weapon is 7 while reload is B? Did the guy who set the defaults just wanted to fuck with me or did an alien monkey’s lay eggs in his brain? Either way I had to reset everything to my liking. Oh and you shoot with the mouse. It’s a godsend that I was able to change the controls because if this was all keyboard, I’d have to press F12 with my nose to shoot while my hands were pre-occupied. It’s just a side scroller. I’m not programming Pentagon missile defense codes against the Russians.

The game runs smoothly and it takes me back to an oh so pleasant time in my childhood where I sat too closely for hours in front of the TV while my parents left me to my own devices. Plus it’s Halo so the only thing that could make it better would be eating a plate of bottomless nachos being hand fed to me by beautiful alien hand maidens. I can pick up weapons and drop them. They all the sound effects from Halo AND they even have the score from Martin O’Donnell in full quality. Not any cheap Mario Paint Midi remix. They even have the shield, ammo and grenade meters from the first came. Plus the targeting reticules are accurate for every weapon you pick up.

However I noticed two major flaws in the game.

1) I CAN”T DODGE ANY ALIENS SHOOTING AT ME. Man they just have that good an aim. No wonder we’re losing this fucking fictional future war? I mean they don’t miss ONCE! The entire game just turns into a game of “I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!! NO I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW!!!” Plus I understand machines not missing but aliens? Come on!!! This is like a slightly higher tech version of rock em sock em robots or what I like to call my family gatherings. No matter what I do, run backwards, run forwards, jump, duck, I always get shot. The game degenerates into crawling forward slowly so I can take on one guy at a time and waiting for my shields to regenerate. That's not strategy. I know it's kinda similar in Halo but the thing is at least you have different angles to attack.  This is just a line of guys ready to run a train on me or me runing a bullet bukkake on them.

I figure the one godsend would be the driving levels where I can run shit over in my Warthog while a gunner takes sweet pleasure in riddling alien bastards with holes. I start to drive forward past aliens at full speed but my fucking gunner does nothing. Next I start taking damage until I die! Wait!? WHAT?!?!?! THAT’S NOT HALO!! I’m supposed to run them over but nothing happens. I only ever kill aliens with the Warthog is when I time a jump or slow down for a moment in front of a couple, which is not a guarantee kill either. I move the mouse to see a targeting reticule on screen. So I gotta drive and shoot but wait, I can’t do that either at full speed. I just end up taking damage. Now I’m playing the faster version of the face shooting game. Let’s just call this fucking game FACESHOOTER!! I can’t even dodge in the damn car!! As AVGN would say: What a shitload of fuck.

 

2) Glitch glitch glitch. What? Graphics? No. I mean controls. At some point in the game the controls just begin to lose most of its responsiveness. When I say most. I mean all. I don’t know why it happens but Master Chief apparently just likes to run even after I take my hands of the button to move forward. This wouldn’t be as bad if I could shoot but he’s so concentrated on becoming the embodiment of Usain Bolt that he forgets to shoot his gun and just takes it on the chin. Think that’s bad? Sometimes he just LOVES shooting his gun that he just keeps doing it until there’s no more ammo or he tuckers himself out. It’s either that or just doesn’t want to move at all. He likes to take it on the chin. I thought it was my computer at first but even after checking my hard drive, RAM and killing all other programs, Chief still had a mind of his own. Apparently Chief back on Reach just liked to act as if he’s a slut with ADHD. Strangely most sluts I know seem to have ADHD as well. Hmmm….

So is that about it? Actually yea. The game is a nice time killer and would be alright if save for the fact that it just turns into a game of tag. I tried it on Legendary and basically I couldn’t even get past the first Elite. I just got killed in two hits. It’s more like Robocop from the NES except that I can actually dodge in that game.


The funny thing is that they actually have a multiplayer option where you link up over a network to kill each other. I didn’t get to try this because NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING THIS GAME!!! I mean if I had a chance to play THIS:

Or THIS:

I think the choice is obvious.

FYI: One of the worst weapon combos to have

Included is even a level designer. Why?  So I can create perfect sniping spots!!  How do I snipe in a side scroller?  Well I basically hit the fire button and it zooms me ahead but three feet where he enemies just can’t see me because if someone’s off screen, they’re invisible.  Then I pick my spot and shoot.  For an annoying sniper like me, it’s like smoking going on a date with Megan Fox and finding out she’s turned into a rotting zombie.  A fat rotting zombie.  What's even better?  You can actaully MISS while sniping.  You can place the targeting chevron over the face and fire and it will not hit.  What's worse if that it takes more then one shot to kill things with a torso shot.  It might not be a big thing but in the regular Halo that counts as a kill.  That's what you get for getting a sniper rifle designed by Mr. Maggoo Industries. 

So would I recommend this game? Sure if you’re 360 got the red lights and you’re stuck without a Halo fix that you REALLY need badly. But again, this game can be beat in like 30 mins on normal and hard. Plus it’s free so why not.

http://www.fileplanet.com/159240/150000/fileinfo/Halo-Zero-%5BFree-Game%5D

For the man who's tried everything: A P90X Review

I love excersize. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a manical, drill sergent, militaristic way of pushing my body to the limit. Talisha got into the Navy and refused to train with me because she was afraid of the regime I'd put her through (Pussy!!!) So I've been working out a lot lately since well...I got lots of time now!! It's a dream come true. I feel like the guy in the Twilight Zone episode who lived through the nucler bomb and now has a ton of time ot read. But I don't have to wear glasses so nothing can go wrong, unless my arms fall off which would really suck. And be really random.


Anyway, coming down to it, I finally got around to getting a copy of P90X. Now I've tried a couple of different workout fads and routines. The big ball, the Bosu trainer, resistance bands, kettle bells, pickaxing a large mound of concrete (seriously...go look at my pics). Now I've finally got P90X. The complete standard set with the nutriotion guide and all the workout sets. Now....I didn't start exactly in the beginning I started off with the legs and back part and just to give you an idea of what the program is like, I'm in pretty good shape so I actually kept up descently....if you take the word decently and replace it with poorly. And replace kept up with gasping for breath. Legs and back pretty much nailed me and made me go down faster then a Saigon whore when I was done. But I never had as much fun as I did. Man did it kick my ass but it felt gooooooddddd. I found something that was more to my tastes

So far the system is divided into weight lifting every other day to a mix of cardio and yoga. Anyone knows from the commercials the basis for P90X or as I like to call it, Ass KickerX, is muscle confusion. Now it's not too different from a typical workout plan where you concentrate on a set of excersizes and then switch it up after a while. The conept of breaking up the muscle groups into the days of the week isn't new either and has been around for a long while but the way it's broken up really gives variety and keeps it fresh. I liked taking yoga one day and mixing it with weight lifting the next and kenpo and then stretching. It's a bit like having a girlfriend of the day, if the girlfriend was Wonder Woman and is she was beating your ass and stetching and ripping all the sinews in your body by sicking her pet bobcat on you.

P90X also instills another fitness concept that's been around for awhile as well which is HIRT and HIIT training. (HIRT=High Intensity Reistance training. HIIT=High Intensity Interval Training, go google it) And those basically can kick your ass enough but if you really push it, they can really kick up your metabolism into a damn wildfire. Now I was already into HIIT and HIRT but it was nice to have a structured program that really pushed your body to the limit. But the biggest plus of P90X is Tony Horton. Yes....goofy, sunny but good meaning Tony Horton, the personal trainer telling you to get your ass in gear in all the videos.
Round one...FIGHT!!Now the reason Horton is good at his job and so important is that you can tell he likes what he does the and does the one thing that every fitness professional should do. No, not that. CERTAINLY not that you sicko. I meant to tell you to take it at your own pace. He constantly reminds you of that because well....P90X can really kick your ass and can discourage you. Case in point:

Phone call with Justin Colbert:

Me: ...so I don't think I can't see Horseface Killer this weekend. Anyway....ow...

Justin: You ok man?

Me: Yea..this P90X realyl kicked my ass

Justin: (sending exclamation and raised eyebrows through the phone at me)

Me: ....yea....I know.

Now Justin has never heard me say how much pain I was in the next day after a work out because well I just tore my muscles to pieces by doing ridiculous amounts of push ups. I've always pushed hard but not as hard as P90X because P90X does the little trick of making you do around...oh...two hundred push ups on chest day by breaking it into small chunks. Kinda like how R.Kelly broke up happy songs and albums into pieces so you forget he was a statutory rapist that peed on minors. The amount just kinda sneaks on you...again a bit like R. Kelly. But the entire way Tony tell you one big pieces of advice: "Do your best, forget the rest." Encouraging you to push the limit but just a bit above it and only if you can. He's not the drill instructor that yells at you but rather tries to get you to do your best with an upbeat attitude and telling you about the suceess stories of the program...not exactly like R. Kelly but I don't think I'd want him as a trainer....or I'd at least keeep female friends away from him.


Now P90X however is very high impact. You have Plyometrics which is basically jump training which can be hell on injuries and your knees and feet. I really recomend having good running or cross training shoes and when I mean good ones, I mean ones that at least cost 90 dollars (just think of running shoes like escorts. You WANT to spend more money because you do get more). So with P90X being high impact (again like escorts) they are not for everybody. You have to keep in mind it maybe cool and maybe hip but if it isn't fun, you're not going to stick to it. The variety in the excersizes literally has something for everyone. It's why we have Xbox, Playstation and Nintendo. Pepsi and Coke. Marvel and DC. Cake and Pie. In-N-Out and well...not much else gets better then In-N-Out. Variety exists because not one thing appeals to everyone and this certainly will not appeal to everyone. I really recomend uppping your rest days to two or really getting lots of rest because the one downfall of it is that it can lead you to injuries if you are injury prone or have existing injuries.

But the the nutrition guide is pretty fool proof. Nutrition being the corner stone of getting results. And it's pretty basic with emphasis on low carbs and low suger and moderate protein with high veggies, along with fruits and upping your metabolisim by eating 5 to 6 meals throughout the day. Again not a new idea but it does make it easy for you to give you an idea of what to buy and what will burn off quickly in your body. The diet guide really breaks it down into three categories of things to eat, the third category being things to avoid since they will take forever to burn off. To someone who is new to fitness it's a great introduction to nutrition and proper eating habits.

I personally go with my own food plan which is eating foods that only exist in pies or are in pie form.

Breakfast
Apple pie with cheese on top and a side of butter.

Snack
Mincemeat pie for protein with rum and pudding on top

Lunch
Grape pie (yes...I have made grape pie since theyt don't make it) with a side of gravy and milk

Snack
Lemon and coconut merange pie with a apple with cheese on top

Dinner
Cherry Pie with chocolate on top and half of a cinnamon apple tart on top with stack of butter. I call it the Pythagoream Theorm. It's 3.14 pieces of ingridients and pies.

What crack will feel like. Barbecue Peesa Pie!

Late night light snack
Mincemeat, rhubarb, steak and cheese and mushroom with whip cream inside of a chicken pot and tomato pie. OR...just go for a simple barbecue pizza pie. And yes pizza counts as a pie. All the ingridients of a 4th of July barbecue, smashed into a pie and baked all at once so digestion is easier for you since it tricks the brain into thinking it's already digested. But instead of the top being a buttery flaky crust, you got ninja turtle fueling fun of pizza



Don't think it works? Here's pie lover Olivia Munn after my diet and excersize plan


Self admitted Pie lover



I'd still eat that pie

Here she is in a giant pie after my Pie or Die workout and diet system

The idea is the make the cells of the body and the digestive system saturated with suger and fat so that the body is forced to burn them off out of sheer desperation to live while the brain is addled in a coma near insulin shock levels calming your mind while the body goes on autopilot of trying not to die. Your body will constantly burn the suger since it also makes you hyper, leading to superhuman ability to want to excersize and accomplish things. The meat is to provide protein and slow you down so you don't get too excited and the pie crusts are for fiber. Cook with vegetable oil so you have vegetables in your diet.

Back to P90X. It's a great system but agian not for everyone. They do give you plenty of options to doing some of the excersizes differently to go around injuries or fatigue. Also there are lots of warnings of taking it easy so that you can get the most out of the system and avoid injury as well as plenty of postive feedback to help you with staying with the program and in shape by making sure you go at your own pace. Another downside to P90X is that it's a huge change in diet and lifestyle really suddenly. If you're not used to such a change or are not very motivated, you'll be back to sucking down a pizza and hating yourself in the morning, kinda like having sex with someone you hate minus all the crying. If it's too much I suggest taking it easy and easing into the diet so that you don't go nuts. Have a splurge day or at least a little snack which can be bad for you or a tiny desert such as fruit instead of cookies. If you HAVE to have a bit of sweets, go ahead nad go for it for the initial time being. P90X again iis high impact at times and can drain you within the first weeks and make you injury prone if you aren't careful. You will adjust to it but during this time take it easy or you'll be seeing my buddy Josh Turner for physical therapy. Also it's really not recomended in my opinion for people who are obese since the high impact can hurt and complicate health issues. So I do recomend P90X if you are the type to really get into working out and geting on a high about numbers. If not, they have Hip Hop abs, Zumba, Pilates and a wealth of other crap you can try. Or you can try my Pie or Die system. You eat pie and I chase you around, screaming at the top of my lungs for you to excersize while I wield a weapon of somesort. Now here are some more pics of Olivia Munn to get you to Pie or Die and distract you from the minor side effects





Tony's ready to Pie or Die....are you?????

*For more information on the pie or die system, contact me. Pie or Die is for sale for 24 easy payments of 25 dollars!!!

*Pie or Die results may vary. Not responsible for the following possible side effects:
Death, Vomiting, Obesity, Super Obesity, Lung Cancer, Heart Problems, Colonel Sanders Syndrome, Neurotic Zombieism, Lil Jon Ataxia, Eczema, Exploding cells, Sexual side effects (not good ones), Gonzoitis, Systematic Self Imploding liquidizing Sugerfication, insulin shock, The Itis, Dental cannibalism (where the gums try to cannibalism your teeth), Manic Depression, Beautiful Mind psychosis, Tounge lump, Chris Rock teeth, moodiness, Vegas style solitaire