I love excersize. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a manical, drill sergent, militaristic way of pushing my body to the limit. Talisha got into the Navy and refused to train with me because she was afraid of the regime I'd put her through (Pussy!!!) So I've been working out a lot lately since well...I got lots of time now!! It's a dream come true. I feel like the guy in the Twilight Zone episode who lived through the nucler bomb and now has a ton of time ot read. But I don't have to wear glasses so nothing can go wrong, unless my arms fall off which would really suck. And be really random.
Anyway, coming down to it, I finally got around to getting a copy of P90X. Now I've tried a couple of different workout fads and routines. The big ball, the Bosu trainer, resistance bands, kettle bells, pickaxing a large mound of concrete (seriously...go look at my pics). Now I've finally got P90X. The complete standard set with the nutriotion guide and all the workout sets. Now....I didn't start exactly in the beginning I started off with the legs and back part and just to give you an idea of what the program is like, I'm in pretty good shape so I actually kept up descently....if you take the word decently and replace it with poorly. And replace kept up with gasping for breath. Legs and back pretty much nailed me and made me go down faster then a Saigon whore when I was done. But I never had as much fun as I did. Man did it kick my ass but it felt gooooooddddd. I found something that was more to my tastes
So far the system is divided into weight lifting every other day to a mix of cardio and yoga. Anyone knows from the commercials the basis for P90X or as I like to call it, Ass KickerX, is muscle confusion. Now it's not too different from a typical workout plan where you concentrate on a set of excersizes and then switch it up after a while. The conept of breaking up the muscle groups into the days of the week isn't new either and has been around for a long while but the way it's broken up really gives variety and keeps it fresh. I liked taking yoga one day and mixing it with weight lifting the next and kenpo and then stretching. It's a bit like having a girlfriend of the day, if the girlfriend was Wonder Woman and is she was beating your ass and stetching and ripping all the sinews in your body by sicking her pet bobcat on you.
P90X also instills another fitness concept that's been around for awhile as well which is HIRT and HIIT training. (HIRT=High Intensity Reistance training. HIIT=High Intensity Interval Training, go google it) And those basically can kick your ass enough but if you really push it, they can really kick up your metabolism into a damn wildfire. Now I was already into HIIT and HIRT but it was nice to have a structured program that really pushed your body to the limit. But the biggest plus of P90X is Tony Horton. Yes....goofy, sunny but good meaning Tony Horton, the personal trainer telling you to get your ass in gear in all the videos.
Round one...FIGHT!!Now the reason Horton is good at his job and so important is that you can tell he likes what he does the and does the one thing that every fitness professional should do. No, not that. CERTAINLY not that you sicko. I meant to tell you to take it at your own pace. He constantly reminds you of that because well....P90X can really kick your ass and can discourage you. Case in point:
Phone call with Justin Colbert:
Me: ...so I don't think I can't see Horseface Killer this weekend. Anyway....ow...
Justin: You ok man?
Me: Yea..this P90X realyl kicked my ass
Justin: (sending exclamation and raised eyebrows through the phone at me)
Me: ....yea....I know.
Now Justin has never heard me say how much pain I was in the next day after a work out because well I just tore my muscles to pieces by doing ridiculous amounts of push ups. I've always pushed hard but not as hard as P90X because P90X does the little trick of making you do around...oh...two hundred push ups on chest day by breaking it into small chunks. Kinda like how R.Kelly broke up happy songs and albums into pieces so you forget he was a statutory rapist that peed on minors. The amount just kinda sneaks on you...again a bit like R. Kelly. But the entire way Tony tell you one big pieces of advice: "Do your best, forget the rest." Encouraging you to push the limit but just a bit above it and only if you can. He's not the drill instructor that yells at you but rather tries to get you to do your best with an upbeat attitude and telling you about the suceess stories of the program...not exactly like R. Kelly but I don't think I'd want him as a trainer....or I'd at least keeep female friends away from him.
Now P90X however is very high impact. You have Plyometrics which is basically jump training which can be hell on injuries and your knees and feet. I really recomend having good running or cross training shoes and when I mean good ones, I mean ones that at least cost 90 dollars (just think of running shoes like escorts. You WANT to spend more money because you do get more). So with P90X being high impact (again like escorts) they are not for everybody. You have to keep in mind it maybe cool and maybe hip but if it isn't fun, you're not going to stick to it. The variety in the excersizes literally has something for everyone. It's why we have Xbox, Playstation and Nintendo. Pepsi and Coke. Marvel and DC. Cake and Pie. In-N-Out and well...not much else gets better then In-N-Out. Variety exists because not one thing appeals to everyone and this certainly will not appeal to everyone. I really recomend uppping your rest days to two or really getting lots of rest because the one downfall of it is that it can lead you to injuries if you are injury prone or have existing injuries.
But the the nutrition guide is pretty fool proof. Nutrition being the corner stone of getting results. And it's pretty basic with emphasis on low carbs and low suger and moderate protein with high veggies, along with fruits and upping your metabolisim by eating 5 to 6 meals throughout the day. Again not a new idea but it does make it easy for you to give you an idea of what to buy and what will burn off quickly in your body. The diet guide really breaks it down into three categories of things to eat, the third category being things to avoid since they will take forever to burn off. To someone who is new to fitness it's a great introduction to nutrition and proper eating habits.
I personally go with my own food plan which is eating foods that only exist in pies or are in pie form.
Breakfast
Apple pie with cheese on top and a side of butter.
Snack
Mincemeat pie for protein with rum and pudding on top
Lunch
Grape pie (yes...I have made grape pie since theyt don't make it) with a side of gravy and milk
Snack
Lemon and coconut merange pie with a apple with cheese on top
Dinner
Cherry Pie with chocolate on top and half of a cinnamon apple tart on top with stack of butter. I call it the Pythagoream Theorm. It's 3.14 pieces of ingridients and pies.
What crack will feel like. Barbecue Peesa Pie!
Late night light snack
Mincemeat, rhubarb, steak and cheese and mushroom with whip cream inside of a chicken pot and tomato pie. OR...just go for a simple barbecue pizza pie. And yes pizza counts as a pie. All the ingridients of a 4th of July barbecue, smashed into a pie and baked all at once so digestion is easier for you since it tricks the brain into thinking it's already digested. But instead of the top being a buttery flaky crust, you got ninja turtle fueling fun of pizza
Don't think it works? Here's pie lover Olivia Munn after my diet and excersize plan
Self admitted Pie lover
I'd still eat that pie
Here she is in a giant pie after my Pie or Die workout and diet system
The idea is the make the cells of the body and the digestive system saturated with suger and fat so that the body is forced to burn them off out of sheer desperation to live while the brain is addled in a coma near insulin shock levels calming your mind while the body goes on autopilot of trying not to die. Your body will constantly burn the suger since it also makes you hyper, leading to superhuman ability to want to excersize and accomplish things. The meat is to provide protein and slow you down so you don't get too excited and the pie crusts are for fiber. Cook with vegetable oil so you have vegetables in your diet.
Back to P90X. It's a great system but agian not for everyone. They do give you plenty of options to doing some of the excersizes differently to go around injuries or fatigue. Also there are lots of warnings of taking it easy so that you can get the most out of the system and avoid injury as well as plenty of postive feedback to help you with staying with the program and in shape by making sure you go at your own pace. Another downside to P90X is that it's a huge change in diet and lifestyle really suddenly. If you're not used to such a change or are not very motivated, you'll be back to sucking down a pizza and hating yourself in the morning, kinda like having sex with someone you hate minus all the crying. If it's too much I suggest taking it easy and easing into the diet so that you don't go nuts. Have a splurge day or at least a little snack which can be bad for you or a tiny desert such as fruit instead of cookies. If you HAVE to have a bit of sweets, go ahead nad go for it for the initial time being. P90X again iis high impact at times and can drain you within the first weeks and make you injury prone if you aren't careful. You will adjust to it but during this time take it easy or you'll be seeing my buddy Josh Turner for physical therapy. Also it's really not recomended in my opinion for people who are obese since the high impact can hurt and complicate health issues. So I do recomend P90X if you are the type to really get into working out and geting on a high about numbers. If not, they have Hip Hop abs, Zumba, Pilates and a wealth of other crap you can try. Or you can try my Pie or Die system. You eat pie and I chase you around, screaming at the top of my lungs for you to excersize while I wield a weapon of somesort. Now here are some more pics of Olivia Munn to get you to Pie or Die and distract you from the minor side effects
Tony's ready to Pie or Die....are you?????*For more information on the pie or die system, contact me. Pie or Die is for sale for 24 easy payments of 25 dollars!!!
*Pie or Die results may vary. Not responsible for the following possible side effects:
Death, Vomiting, Obesity, Super Obesity, Lung Cancer, Heart Problems, Colonel Sanders Syndrome, Neurotic Zombieism, Lil Jon Ataxia, Eczema, Exploding cells, Sexual side effects (not good ones), Gonzoitis, Systematic Self Imploding liquidizing Sugerfication, insulin shock, The Itis, Dental cannibalism (where the gums try to cannibalism your teeth), Manic Depression, Beautiful Mind psychosis, Tounge lump, Chris Rock teeth, moodiness, Vegas style solitaire
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