Servicing the Customer

What it's like after a hard day at my last job

Ok so after reading Diller Thriller's blog on customer service (http://alexistiadiller.blogspot.com/2010/08/note-to-self.html), I had to do some writing on the matter myself since I unfortunately have extensive experience on the mater of customer service.  Also it pisses me off since Alexis is very nice and very talented so I hope this man gets like super herpes. 

Now lets gets started before my meds kick in and make me calm and docile and dulls the sharpness of my tongue like Amy Winehouses career. 

You see, look at the term customer serivce.  The emphasis should be on the service part because basically you're "servicing" the customer.  Actually it should be called that from now on since there should be truth in advertising: Servicing the Customer

Servicing

Get the idea?  Basically you have to think of it in those terms.  Some of your "customers" are nice.  They are appreciative.  Some just want to talk and understand if you can't give them what they need.  Occasionally you get one that cares about you.  However most are pretty brutal.  They want to be serviced quickly and as fast as fucking possible.  They don't care if you're having a hard time or if it's your first day, they want it done quickly.  And the angerier they are, the dumber they are because they will bitch and compliain until they're finished with you. 

EX: Excuse me ma'am.  I can't take send it to you in less then three days since you are in New York and our New York warehouse is out. 

Lady: What do you mean?  You guys should have it.  And since you don't have it in New York you need to send it to me over night.  This is all your fault!  I needed it yesterday!  You're costing me money and helping to ruin America!
Me: Are you married ma'am? 
Lady: No.  What does that have to do with anything?
Me: Oh...nothing.  Just had a thought

What I wanted to say was:
Jesus Christ lady, did you help to plan the Iraq war cause that was a huge clusterfuck.  If you needed it yesterday, then you should've ordered it the day before don't you think?  If America is supposed to recover through small businesses then we're fucked. 

But I can't say that.  I have to take it and smile.  Like hookers but I don't get to lay down.

Another one example:

ME: I'm sorry sir.  I wasn't in yesterday but I can try to expedite things to you. 

Guy: Well geez!!  Can you get it to me faster please?  That's what good businesses do.  I pay your paycheck so you should be able to take care of that now don't you think.  If I'm not happy I'll make sure you don't get paid. 
ME: (dialtone since I hung up)

He called back and I apologized and said that the phone was actin...(click) hung up again.  That dern phone just damn acts up on occasion. 

So yes...customer service of any kind is like being a hooker.  You just clench your teeth and hope that its over soon. 

Now it gets even better if your customer speaks another language.  Even better if you understand said language

Example at Ross while I was scanning her clothes:

Korean lady: Excuse me.  Can you subdivide?

Me: Subdivide? 
KL: Subdivide.  Tell me how much this is from this (portions off a small pile)
Me: Oh.  Sure.  *Singing* Cause you had a bad day.  Taken one down...

KL: (In Korean to her friend) Man this guy is stupid.  He doens't even know what subdivide means. 

Me: (In Korean) Excuse me.  What did you say? 

KL: (In Korean) Oh!  You're Korean? 
Me: (In Korean) Yes.  I am.  I understand everything you just said.
KL looks down in shame as I scan all items and just stare at her. 

This is what happens if you fuck up orders at McDonalds

Luckily this was a win for me but you get the hair ripping rage that can couse through you. 

Think this is bad?  The guys who get it worst are fast food employees.  Imagine a string of customer all back to back demanding to be serviced as fast and as acurately as can be.  Now it's not all like this but when it gets bad because heaven help you if you fuck up or can't finish the customer fast enough. 

And let's not forget waitresses because you have to navigate orders, service, menu knowledge while flirting with the fast bastard trying to grope you while hoping you get a big enough tip from the guy.  And if the tip is low...you did all that work for nothing. 

So remember to tip your waitress well because well it's a hard job unless they totally suck at it.  Heh...suck at it. 

What's even more depressing is that they ACTUALLY have Customer Service BA's.  Yes you can get a degree in abuse.  I mean I can save you that trouble and just have you get kicked in the nuts right now while I berate you for the smallest and pettiest crap.  I'd hate to see how fucking much you max out at with a customer service degree because no matter how much you make, it's gotta be offset with a serious vice or therapy or both.  That would be like the show The Office but without the comedy. 

And a degree is only offered, from the little research I've done, through online or community colleges.   A Harvard business degree in Customer Service has got to be dissapointing.  It's just a degree in blowing peoples egos really.  I remember one job that they actually left comments to us written in paper about our performance.  That sucked but the upside of that was I could see their home address and phone numbers.  Since I got time on my hands now, I think it's time for a road trip.  And to test out my new battle cry...

Alexis, if you'd like, you can give me the name and address of the guy :)   I love chainsaws