Weird Science Part 1

Greetings few believers!!  It's February, which means it's time for science.  It's always a good time for science so to celebrate the monumental event, I'm going to look into the annals of science to and rate the great men of science who have changed our lives through the force of their brilliance and their sheer butt fuck insanity and contempt towards mankind. 
Dr. Ivo Robotnik

As far as mad scientists go Dr Ivo Robotnik (aka Dr. Eggman in Japan and parts of US) is one of the most recognizable villains as the main antagonist of Sonic the Hedgehog. But his inventions make him one of, if not the most wasteful mad scientists of all time. Wondering what I’m talking about?
Well if you play most of the Sonic games you know that Dr. Robotnik is the guy who captures all the woodland animals and traps them inside his robots called Badniks in an effort to change everything to robots so he can make the world in his image. The problem is that Badniks are the main fighting force that he throws against Sonic, Tails and the bajillion other allies he seems to get with each game. So when a Badnik is destroyed, the animal is released and skips away happily to freedom as if it wasn’t horribly imprisoned and tortured.

Now you have to ask yourself, why take all that time to capture the woodland animals and put them INSIDE the Badniks? Theoretically one could say Robotnik is using the animals as a living battery like machines used humans in the Matrix movies. But just like the Matrix movies, all logic and sanity goes out the window. If Robotnik is using woodland animals as his main power source then it’s a really shitty power source or he’s really great at making machines run on little power.

Potential Power sources

Human beings can only crank out 60 to 150 watts of body heat. Your electrical signals are about under 60 watts of energy. It sounds like a lot and it is if you’re going to use it to light up several lamps. Now that’s a human being. Robotnik is using squirrels, rabbits, birds and other various small animals that are usually appetizers for larger animals that would be better to use for energy potential. Then on top of that, it’s incredibly difficult to turn body heat and electrical nerves into raw energy. It’d be more realistic putting on a wizards cloak and hat to use magic to change people into double A Duracell’s. Also energy is released from the food living things eat. So that links us a bit closer to the Energizer bunny but even doing so still makes people piss poor energy sources. When you digest food, you still have to spend energy to digest it so it’s honestly better to just get the energy from the food or really anything else for that matter. Hell he’d probably have better luck with using old fashioned wood burning robots.

So if Robotnik managed to create fantastically advanced robots that only require a small amount of energy harnessed from the body heat of tiny animals, why is it wasteful? Because you’d have to spend more of the energy to trap the animals, build the machines, put the animal in the machine and additional functions inside the machine that sedate the animal, feed it and keep it alive cause if you don’t, the robots are now just expensive caskets and you’re just going to end up with a genocide of cuteness that only Japanese anime can capture. But technically Robotnik is eliminating our carbon footprint by way of sentencing all cute little animals inside of the machines to die a slow, painful and horrific death.

Hey Robotnik, if you were able to create an advanced attack robot that can function on such a small amount of energy for an extended period of time, wouldn’t it be easier to SELL THE FUCKING TECHNOLOGY AND GET MONEY!!!! I mean he’d rake in more money and bitches then P. Diddy under a bitch money waterfall!! Things powered by Robotnik technology can theoretically run for at least a hundred years, like the T-800

Credit does have to be given since Robotnik is one of the most active mad scientists. He’s always using giant fucking machines (powered by a small acre of dying bunnies and birds) to attack Sonic in recognizable patterns. Now how many other mad scientists have the balls to get their hands dirty? And when not using giant units of mass destruction, he has his tiny egg pod that has more permutation add-on’s then the fucking Megazord. After all this micromanaging you think he’d be slimmer but that’s like saying computer science majors should be models of physical perfection because they get exercise by building computers and working out their hands.

Not a computer science major


I understand there’s a reason why he’s called a “mad” scientist but all I want is a bit of consistency of economics here goddamnit. Mad science is about spitting in the face of God. Rendering all his creations useless by your own hand. One does that by creating abominations of nature by genetically combining things that should not be ever combined or making giant fire breathing mechanical frogs, which are surrounded by a shield of circling skulls. It’s not about being just simply wasteful for the sake of being wasteful. You’d do better just to get a super pack of batteries at Costco and use them like porn stars on vacation (cause porn stars use batteries to take lots of pictures). Plus the bigger the machine has to be, the more animals you have to use to power the fucking monstrosity. Honestly it’d be faster to just get rid of the animals with your giant death machines rather than power them. Besides, who doesn’t love cute little animals?

Pictured: Aborted early work

But luckily Robotnik recovers some points through the irony of using a cute white bunny to power a coconut throwing death machine monkey. That’s truly making the world into his image however his image isn’t really very imaginative since it’s the same animals almost every level. The Robotnik animal’s kingdom seems to be somewhat limited.

Brilliance level: 4 of 5

Takes some brains to grab animals and put them in machines to be used as power sources

Insanity Level: 3 of 5

It's pretty nuts to change the world into robots because you think its better

Threat level: 2 of 5

His life's work is his life's weakness because at the rate he has to capture animals and put them in machines will take him awhile.  Not a great plan when your enemy is known for speed

Huh?

Ok so I've noticed one trend here.  One consistent thing on this blog you few believers love and that's the Flash.  Don't get me wrong.  I like Bar-Wal-Jay-Bar too.  In all his incarnations, I've been a Flash fan.  I even gots a Flash figure.  He was even my favorite character from the Justice League (save for Batman cause you know, it's the goddamn Batman) and always I have hope of someday beginning to run so fast the I enter the Speed Force.  But until that day, I've still confounded because the review on Flash: Rebirth is the one entry that gets the most hits. 

This month alone it's gotten 126 hits.  All time stats rounding at 682 hits (now 683) and climbing.  You see, I'm confuzzleated because I'll put random shit on tags from Kim Kardashian all the way to Prune shoes, all these things I've written on.  Except Prune shoes but that does not matter.  What matters is for me to get how that one entry garners so much attention while the others have so little even though they are popular search phrases. 

Unless you guys are being assholes and laughing at my work.  Or praising it as the height of comic bookery review, basking in the glory as beautiful women make shrines to me as Jerry Bruckheimer makes a 3D movie about my life due to the awesomeness of the blog, which then stars me, about me.  That then goes on to win an Oscar in best picture, Actor (me), supporting actor (me again, I'm that awesome) and cinematography (not me but that swiss guy can really do magic with lights)



I'd like to thank the Academy, my mom, baby Jesus,
Optimus Prime for dying for our sins



Now I'm not complaining.  I'm not.  But I just wonder why that gets so many hits.  The next up is the list of the 2000 worst foods for you. That's not far behind with 633 hits.  Everything else falls behind drastically.  Is this the end of times?  Is the seven headed dragon I call Pufflesnout from the bible going to rise up and eat each continent?  What is the purpose of my life?  Will I ever find someone?  The questions in life never seems to cease. 

How DO they fit all the junk inside that trunk?

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE VAMPIRES ALL OVER THE MARVEL UNIVERSE? Seriously.  Look it up. 

Should I just give up ol Wade and put on the scarlet and lightening?  Can I settle for the rugged good looks of the midwest boy and the charm of the slightly dangerous but down to earth blue collar charm of Central City?

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How I do my best thinking.  Doctors call it ADHD

Fuck no. DP pics are waaayyy more entertaining the the McSpeedy. But as always, I'm just happy someone is reading.  So thanks to all of you (unless you're all mocking me, then you guys are dicks and I hate you) for reading.  I really really appreciate that some guys in France, stumble across my blog while looking for comic book midget amputee vore porn.  No seriously, thanks for reading.  I love you guys.  And here's a cool pic of the Flash I found.

 

I don't know who the artist is but it's really kick ass but I can definetly tell you it's not mine cause I can't draw to save my brothers life (R.I.P. Jake).  But nonetheless, an awesome drawing.



Just to show Marvel and DC can get along and I can walk in both worlds.
Yes I know that's Kyle and not Hal. 

OH CANANANADA!!!

Congratulations to the great Nation of Canada for beating Denmark in the rankings.  Still not quite #1 to USA but every little bit.  Denmark, I'm dissapointed.  High ups for Canada.  Land of Maple Syrup.  With amber waves of ice hockey.  Home to such noble citizens such as Nathan Fillion, Sum 41, Peter North, Keanu Reeves, Jim Carrey and Captain Cannuck.  Others such as Pamela Anderson, Shania Twain, Estella Warren, Shannon Tweed, Nelly Furtado, Elisha Cuthbert, Natasha Henstridgehollly crap there are a ton of hot bitches from Canada.  Plus weed is legal in some places (not that I smoke but in case I ever want to pick up stoned chicks cause it makes me feel less scumy then picking up drunk chicks).  That free health care and Canadian hospitality.  Can't beat that along with French Canadians. 

Your prize: This lovely watch Spider-Hulk models.  Couldn't get
a hot girl like Christina to do it at such a last minute.

Turner-Rex. Mahagony dynamo of sex making

This post is for my bro Josh, the swirly mocha delight that all the ladies like.  Enjoy the love of the image ladies.  Josh is currently single and will be a working professional in the physical therapy field.  Sex is his name and sex is his game.  He's ready to party up and settle down so enjoy him in all his glory.  His shoe size maybe 9 but in our family, the shoe size denotes his size in inches.  He's tetra bites of tightness and he has no herpes.  So enjoy Josh

On the eve

Dear Santa,

Here's a list of things I want for X-Mas.  If I do not recieve these items, Wikileaks will be featuring a new article on your so called "humane and cruelty free" practices of your staff and "PETA Friendly" ways that your handle your reindeer.  They are currently numbered for your convinience


1) A working replica of the sniper rifle from Halo: Reach.  The SRS99 that's a true Anti-Materiele Rifle. 

2) Heather Morris

3) Olivia Munn and/OR Olivia Wilde

4) A New fire extinguisher

5) A Dog

6) A Cat

7) World Peace (By force if it must be done)

8) A week to play in snow

9) The ability to make snow monsters

10) A nice new camera

11) A never ending condiment gun

12) Money.  Lots of it

13) The ability to go back and change things

14) A cool job that pays alot. 

15) The abilty to read minds

16) Random girls

I think you shall find these things easily obtainable.  I wait to hear your answer by tonight.  Remember.  The choice is yours.

Merry Christmas!

Zero Hour

Insert Joystick Joke here

It took nearly ten years but the saga is finally at an end. Spartan-117 has defeated the Covenant, ODST’s are happy with not being dead and helping the earth, and Sgt. Johnson has been killed along with a ton of other non existent heroes of the Great War period. That leaves us with to remember where it all started. Remember Reach. But I’m not talkin bout Halo: Reach. I’m talking about Halo Zero.

Isn’t that Halo: Reach? Yes. And no. Welcome to the one super-fan’s dream as he envisioned Halo like it was a crappy “what if?” comic. We all know how great those are.

What if Doctor Strange wasn't a pussy?

So the “what if?” scenario here is “What if Halo was released back in the golden age of the 16 bit revolution? Actually I’m more sure that it’s was some guy saying: “Hey. I want to play Halo from the Fall of Reach scenario” waaayy before Halo: Reach was released. Anyway it brings us to this. Halo Zero. It’s a side scrolling idea that gives us the chance to fight our way through split lipped alien bastards and escape from Reach as Master Chief. After finishing the superior Halo: Reach, I’m going to get to Halo Zero and play from a different angle. Oh and btw: It’s not sponsored by Bungie. They just used the logo.



*klick klack BANG* Our residents...*klick klack BANG* are trying *klick klack BANG* to sleep!



As you can see here the graphics are pretty good. It’s bright and colorful with the sprites for all the soldiers and aliens done with all the finest graphical articulation that 1992 could bring us. The movement is smooth as a baby’s but being oiled up and slid across a hockey rink while being pushed with a broom on a slip and slide. I honestly thought the sprites for this game would be cheap but I was actually impressed with it as I moved Chief forward and backwards.  Also his movements in aiming and shooting. But it was then I noticed it was just the Chief’s legs that were moving with fluidity. The rest of him was kinda choppy. Well him and the alien’s whose movements weren’t as smooth as the Spartans. It’s a minor gripe but the movements of Chief’s legs are so mesmerizing I feel like I’m looking at Phoebe Cates from Fast Times as she comes out of water since it’s so fucking graceful. 

Next up in the saga

The controls are a bit weird at first to get used to. Since you push the button to move right, meaning you run towards the right of the screen and vice versa. I know it’s basic knowledge and me posting this means that I just devalued my college degree by a level. However keep in mind I’m a multiplayer guy where the keyboard controls are altered. Plus I’m going from FPS to side scroller (or side scrotum as I like to call it) so give me a break here. But what’s this? The default control to move forward is T and the move backwards is Q? The button to pick up a weapon is 7 while reload is B? Did the guy who set the defaults just wanted to fuck with me or did an alien monkey’s lay eggs in his brain? Either way I had to reset everything to my liking. Oh and you shoot with the mouse. It’s a godsend that I was able to change the controls because if this was all keyboard, I’d have to press F12 with my nose to shoot while my hands were pre-occupied. It’s just a side scroller. I’m not programming Pentagon missile defense codes against the Russians.

The game runs smoothly and it takes me back to an oh so pleasant time in my childhood where I sat too closely for hours in front of the TV while my parents left me to my own devices. Plus it’s Halo so the only thing that could make it better would be eating a plate of bottomless nachos being hand fed to me by beautiful alien hand maidens. I can pick up weapons and drop them. They all the sound effects from Halo AND they even have the score from Martin O’Donnell in full quality. Not any cheap Mario Paint Midi remix. They even have the shield, ammo and grenade meters from the first came. Plus the targeting reticules are accurate for every weapon you pick up.

However I noticed two major flaws in the game.

1) I CAN”T DODGE ANY ALIENS SHOOTING AT ME. Man they just have that good an aim. No wonder we’re losing this fucking fictional future war? I mean they don’t miss ONCE! The entire game just turns into a game of “I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!! NO I SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW!!!” Plus I understand machines not missing but aliens? Come on!!! This is like a slightly higher tech version of rock em sock em robots or what I like to call my family gatherings. No matter what I do, run backwards, run forwards, jump, duck, I always get shot. The game degenerates into crawling forward slowly so I can take on one guy at a time and waiting for my shields to regenerate. That's not strategy. I know it's kinda similar in Halo but the thing is at least you have different angles to attack.  This is just a line of guys ready to run a train on me or me runing a bullet bukkake on them.

I figure the one godsend would be the driving levels where I can run shit over in my Warthog while a gunner takes sweet pleasure in riddling alien bastards with holes. I start to drive forward past aliens at full speed but my fucking gunner does nothing. Next I start taking damage until I die! Wait!? WHAT?!?!?! THAT’S NOT HALO!! I’m supposed to run them over but nothing happens. I only ever kill aliens with the Warthog is when I time a jump or slow down for a moment in front of a couple, which is not a guarantee kill either. I move the mouse to see a targeting reticule on screen. So I gotta drive and shoot but wait, I can’t do that either at full speed. I just end up taking damage. Now I’m playing the faster version of the face shooting game. Let’s just call this fucking game FACESHOOTER!! I can’t even dodge in the damn car!! As AVGN would say: What a shitload of fuck.

 

2) Glitch glitch glitch. What? Graphics? No. I mean controls. At some point in the game the controls just begin to lose most of its responsiveness. When I say most. I mean all. I don’t know why it happens but Master Chief apparently just likes to run even after I take my hands of the button to move forward. This wouldn’t be as bad if I could shoot but he’s so concentrated on becoming the embodiment of Usain Bolt that he forgets to shoot his gun and just takes it on the chin. Think that’s bad? Sometimes he just LOVES shooting his gun that he just keeps doing it until there’s no more ammo or he tuckers himself out. It’s either that or just doesn’t want to move at all. He likes to take it on the chin. I thought it was my computer at first but even after checking my hard drive, RAM and killing all other programs, Chief still had a mind of his own. Apparently Chief back on Reach just liked to act as if he’s a slut with ADHD. Strangely most sluts I know seem to have ADHD as well. Hmmm….

So is that about it? Actually yea. The game is a nice time killer and would be alright if save for the fact that it just turns into a game of tag. I tried it on Legendary and basically I couldn’t even get past the first Elite. I just got killed in two hits. It’s more like Robocop from the NES except that I can actually dodge in that game.


The funny thing is that they actually have a multiplayer option where you link up over a network to kill each other. I didn’t get to try this because NO ONE ELSE IS PLAYING THIS GAME!!! I mean if I had a chance to play THIS:

Or THIS:

I think the choice is obvious.

FYI: One of the worst weapon combos to have

Included is even a level designer. Why?  So I can create perfect sniping spots!!  How do I snipe in a side scroller?  Well I basically hit the fire button and it zooms me ahead but three feet where he enemies just can’t see me because if someone’s off screen, they’re invisible.  Then I pick my spot and shoot.  For an annoying sniper like me, it’s like smoking going on a date with Megan Fox and finding out she’s turned into a rotting zombie.  A fat rotting zombie.  What's even better?  You can actaully MISS while sniping.  You can place the targeting chevron over the face and fire and it will not hit.  What's worse if that it takes more then one shot to kill things with a torso shot.  It might not be a big thing but in the regular Halo that counts as a kill.  That's what you get for getting a sniper rifle designed by Mr. Maggoo Industries. 

So would I recommend this game? Sure if you’re 360 got the red lights and you’re stuck without a Halo fix that you REALLY need badly. But again, this game can be beat in like 30 mins on normal and hard. Plus it’s free so why not.

http://www.fileplanet.com/159240/150000/fileinfo/Halo-Zero-%5BFree-Game%5D

While you were out...



You know, you do one crime across international borders and they don't take it lightly.  I mean how am I supposed to know that if I try to....oh hell...it's not worth it.  Let's just say Mexican Jails along with Icelandic Justice system are too complicated that they just convict me by calling me a warlock and trying to burn me at the stake.  Also they called me a drug dealer but I swear it's not my drugs.  How was I supposed to know I was selling to a narc?



They Don't Fuck Around in Iceland

Plus they tack on other misconstrewed charges



 

Cocaine's a hell of a drug

For the last time.  I was HIGH when I did that.  Can't people understand that?  And why won't you call me back Josh?  But while I was away you few believers actually clicked on websites and got me money.  I mean not enough for bail or anything but I could at least make a phone call JOSH who never picked up.  On top of that I got a new subscriber.  Which brings the total up to a lucky seven.  SEVEN JOSH!  THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I CALLED YOU BEFORE SHOWER TIME!!  DO YOU KONW WHAT SHOWER TIME IS LIKE IN A MEXICAN JAIL????!!  THEY DON'T SHOWER YOU WITH WATER!! 

But I did manage to get some education credentials while I was in.  Take that expensive student loans.  Anyway.  I'm back.  Huzzah



I am SO an accredited Doctor from Hollywood Upstaris Medic...oh. 
Dr. MARIO.  Not Micha...never mind.