So it got me thinking how this covers both Thanksgiving and Halloween. But then I realized that every holiday is really a great basis for zombie attacks and the zombieness would be an enriching and rewarding experience for any occasion. How?
Presented to you in NUMERO VISION!!!!
1) What better way to connect with family and friends then going up against a zombie hoard. It makes you work as a team because you HAVE to work together in order to live. That fight over that pastrami sandwich that your brother stole while your sister was stealing your wallet seems pretty trivial when you're about to be eaten. Plus instead of killing things on XBOX live with your friends, you can now work together to kill things in real life. It just brings you all together. OR If you really don't like them, just get them eaten
2) Zombieness promotes family values! What better father/daugther/mother/son/stepkid/weird cousin activity can enrich your relationship then teaching them how to set traps for zombies or loading and cleaning guns? Your kid needs to learn about personal responsibility? Well how more responsible for yourself can you get under the threat of being gnawed on by a zombie hoard if you fuck up? That's how I learned fifth grade algebra and how to tie my shoe (to this day I never fuck up on either of those and have a unnatural fear of being eaten in my sleep). On top of that, you or your loved ones learn valuable life saving skills. I wish my father had taught me how to jury rig a broom and rolling pin into a machine gun when I was a lad. Another trait is scavenging where folks have to get together to go out into the danger filled areas to get more supplies to survive. Great times!!
3) Meet new people, maybe even find that special someone to watch your flank as you clear out a room. Then you can watch their "flank" later. (Giggaty giggaty). I mean look at every zombie movie in existence. Everyone of them has a rag tag group of people with inexplicable accuracy with weapons and a strange array of random knowledge that allows them to survive by the skin of their teeth regardless of the stupid decisions they make. And they always come from all walks of life and meet up in the most random ways.
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| Zombies are saying: "Awwww" Get it? |
Occasionally a couple or two fall in love amiss all the carnage and gory slaughter. Picture it: You seeing that one person from across a room filled with undead body parts, still twitching and smoking from being blown apart. Eyes lock and you guys feel like you've known each other forever as you both instinctually turn to each other and kill the undead abortion behind each of you, saving each others lives as you both admire each others skill and form with quick, sly smiles as pieces of blood and dusted flesh sprinkle down upon in a haze of disgusting frosting upon the sugercake of your love. Ahhh...romance.....plus I have that someone special in my mind already to share that amazing moment with before they're bitten, thus forcing me to kill them but hopefully not before having hot, sweaty animal sex. Or at least till we make out and I get to cop some boobage. Plus the imminent danger adds a level of excitement and horniess that nothing can match. They say makeup sex is the best. Pishaw!! Try survival/celebration sex. Plus chicks are vulnerable in this moment and they also really dig your vulnerability.
4) Most holidays are rife for zombie enrichment.
Halloween? Come on now. Although it can lead to many accidental shootings if someone dresses up as a zombie but if they're dumb enough to dress up as one then they should be shot. It's like wearing a meat dress to a dog show.
Thanksgiving? Zombie pilgrims and zombie Indians banding together to exact revenge on future generations. Gnaw on a turkey leg while trying to stop a zombie from gnawing on you. It's a regular family affair as uncle Ted snipes from the ceiling and crazy veteran cousin Dan has his PTSD come in handy for a change as he uses it slaughter the undead and command. And the worst part, zombie turkeys. Nuff said
X-mas? Death-mas. Grandma got run over by a reindeer for after ripping out Grandpa's throat. What? Grandma wasn't a zombie? Just feral? Well, would've had to put her down anyway. And the kiddies are up anyway awaiting Santa, so it'll be extra incentive to survive the night as they wait by the chimney...with shotguns, not milk and cookies. Just be sure to tell them that every noise isn't Santa on the roof but undead neighbor Jill trying to come eat them in a feast of gore.
New Years? Gore fest at midnight!! Same as above except with alcohol at midnight. This time it'll be ok to shoot in the air since you'll eventaully hit a zombie wandering around and distracted by the lights. Plus drunken gun battles are ACTUALLY a great idea this time
Valentines Day? See reason 3
Flag Day? Put up your flag. Kill some zombies
Memorial Day? Remember to kill some zombies
Presidents Day? What better way to honor your nation then blowing away a zombified George Washinton.
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| All hail Presidet Zombama |
Groundhog Day? If a groundhog sees a zombie and goes back in it's hole, it's three more weeks of winter.
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| It's Bill Fucking Murray. I know that isn't your middle name. |
St. Patricks Day? Get drunk. Shoot zombies. Vomit. Drunk dial ex. Shoot more zombies. Drink. Vomit.
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| Water into wine? Brains to food! |
Cinco de Mayo? A day without a Mexican zombie...or white zombie...or...well you get the idea.
April Fools Day? Oohhh...this just has laughter written all over it.
Zombiefying the holidays really work well. It'll cull the population and help us appreciate life. Plus make good use of the second amendment laws.
April Fools Day? Oohhh...this just has laughter written all over it.
Zombiefying the holidays really work well. It'll cull the population and help us appreciate life. Plus make good use of the second amendment laws.
So get ready for the holiday season folks! Rack up your shotguns, load up on supplies and get some of your loved ones together.
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| All I Want For Christmas Are My M-16's |
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