The "Cool"est Last Name On Earth (Ha!)

Things of interest generally run in cycles with me. I'll be really into comic books but a while, then fall out and drop the habit like a sack of potatoes cause no one really needs that much startch and carbs. And really, it's just all my childhood interests which just weave in and out of my life like a so much startch in my diet. But one of the biggest things has always been professional wrestling. Not the Greco-Roman stuff that the pros do, I'm talking about The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bret "The Hitman" Hart and Yokozuna and all the rest. Every guy loves wrestling at some point and would watch it like Saturday Morning Cartoons. I mean hey, all of us as kids and lesser amount as teenagers have actually wrestled with our gimmicks and such. Um...you guys didn't do that as teenagers? Well certainly as young guys in your twe....not even then? Ever wanted to? Never mind...

And I fell back into it now by randomly picking up a wrestling game at Gamestop. And now I'm all into it again. I mean not really watching it so much but more playing the game. But things have changed and most of these guys have retired and/or become actors and I hardly recognize most of these guys. Through the game I got re-acquainted with them all. And then I came across the girl wrestlers. It's kinda empowering since they aren't just arm candy but they actually do all the stuff that guys do, however under the chant of "take it off." Well one step forward, kinda. So the names aren't just gimmicky any more but people are just mostly using their real names, which is just lame since it isn't really cool to be known as your real name. Then I came across one name "Michelle McCool." That had to be a fake last name. I mean McCool, a very cool sounding last name but something you might find from an 80's action movie or a Snoopy comic. And although she is a beauty, (Michelle perdy....) the made up last name is just too much. Well at least that was until I looked her up on Google and lo and behold her last name really is MCCOOL! OMG!

So not only is this woman amazingly in sexy amazon athletic shape (not the buff amazon shape which are female body builders and that's not sexy to me), with girl next door approachable aura but her last name is McCool, and it's real! Plus reading more about her, she's just this friendly athletic girl who's kinda like one of the guys. So to Michelle McCool, don't change your last name if you get married. Make some hybrid last name or just keep your last name but just don't lose that name. It's a part of the appeal.

The Taste of Things

One of the best afterwork out things to have it chocolate milk. It’s chocolate. It’s milk. And everyone loves chocolate except for those weirdos who are vanilla or strawberry milk fans. They will be dealt with eventually and you guys can’t hide. Getting back to my story, my workout last night left me semi satisfied as I searched for a bottle of chocolate milk at CVS late at night. But sadly they were out of chocolate milk (fucking vanilla lovers. I know it was vanilla lover’s cause they had plenty of strawberry milk bottles left over.) but they did have bottles of chocolate syrup. (Take that you non chocolate fans!) So I got the bottle and brought it home and made my self a tall glass of chocolate milk. However I had one slight epiphany. I love Honey Combs cereal. I love chocolate. What if I combined those two things?

Now at this point I was quite tempted to act upon this new idea I had but my previous culinary attempts have been…interesting and bold. Like the time I made my infamous Cinnamon Chicken Breast. It smelled like cinnamon buns. It had the protein and health of chicken and then it had the rich full bodied taste of tingly, tingly coal. I ate it though. But next was my cinnamon flavored peanut butter (I have a lot of damn cinnamon in my house) which turned out great. Especially with that peanut butter from Trader Joes which is all pastey and goes great with apples. Maybe the folley of my cooking is that it’s all cinnamon based.

So after a light dusting of cereal into my chocolate milk, the initial hypothesis was good. It was really good. So I finished off the cereal bits and went to a bolder step and drizzled some honey into my milk and mixed it in. And it was drinking the chocolate milk of the gods. It had the sweetness of honey and the richness of chocolate. It was an orgy in my mouth and only pretty people were invited. So I realized I may have a market for this new found desert concoction and maybe even starting my own line of honey chocolate. Or honey centered chocolate. It’s good yet bad for you and you can’t resist it. I mean who can deny a piece of honey chocolate, well other then those vanilla/strawberry people.

So I began my research on the internet and less then 0.5 seconds of typing honey chocolate in google, my dreams of a darkly sweet empire were dashed as I saw the recipe for honey chocolate brownies at the top of the screen. Needless to say, it all seemed such a good idea.

However then I thought about how vast the human experience is. I mean all those people, including myself at times have said: No one knows how I feel. And if you think about it, it’s an arrogant statement to make. It’s as if you’re saying that in the entire history of human existence, no one has ever thought or felt the way you’ve ever felt. I understand it’s a part of feeling isolated from the world and learning to connect to others. But in general if I ever say things like that, I just want to pull my head out of my ass. Anyway, here’s the recipe for the Honey Chocolate Brownies.

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HONEY CHOCOLATE BROWNIES (2000 Huron County Fair Blue Ribbon Winner) 1 cup softened butter

½ tsp. Salt

1 ½ cups honey

1 cup flour 3 eggs beaten

1 cup chopped walnuts

1 tsp. Vanilla

1/3 cup Hershey’s cocoa

Beat the butter with mixer until creamy. Slowly add honey, mixing constantly. Add the eggs, vanilla and salt. Add the cocoa. Add the flour. Add the nuts. Make sure it is mixed completely. Pour batter into greased 9x13x2 inch. deep pan and bake at 350* for 30 to 35 minutes.

Maybe it’d be better if I could work cinnamon in it somehow

Customer of the Month

We here at the Pudding Bordello appreciate our business and loyal readers. All one of you which brings us to Josh Turner, our customer of the month. He's one bad motherfucker cause he can wear silly ass hat and not look like an idiot. I remember Josh. He was walking in to see if he could use our pay bathroom, then the pay toilet with the pay sink with pay soap. Then the rest was history. Josh is the type of guy that will come to your party and drink heavily for no reason what so ever and vomit on your lawn. And just cause Josh can quote tons of Simpson's lines, spend hours in his room and have weird oriental type weapons doesn't make him a crazed loner nerd. It makes him....a valued customer of the Pudding Bordello. And here's a lady for ya Josh.

The Monster Mash

Food. Food. FUD. Now I wanted something to eat during class when we were watching a movie which was called Tortilla Soup. Of course with a title like that I got hungry and for good reason. Luckily I had a bit of cookie with me to tide me over and that’s when it hit me, if zombies are dead, why do they need to eat people? They’re dead. Their stomachs don’t work. If I blew out a zombies stomach, they’d still want to try to gnaw on me for no good reason. And would zombies even have working teeth? Teeth would kinda fall out since they’re dead.

At this point I used my ability to split my attention between the movie and this important question. So I broke down the fact:

1) Zombies are dead. If zombies are dead, they don’t need to eat. They’re made to be eaten by organisms such as fungi and bacteria. And they don’t need energy cause they’re dead. I can blow out their stomachs with a shot gun and they’d still try to eat me. I mean fucking corpses don’t need to eat. I mean even the rage zombies from Dawn of the Dead and 28 days later are fast as fuck and run around liked crazed monkeys and that would require lots of energy but then the zombies would starve cause (sing it like the Ludacris song) TOO MANY ZOMBIES! NOT ENOUGH FOOD!


Let’s also look at other corpses:

Frankenstein: With zombie logic he should be wanting to fucking eat everyone instead groaning and walking around stiffly and playing with flowers. I mean he’s fucking made of corpses (corpses of Denver Nuggets, a Simpson’s reference) and he doesn’t want to eat anything. And on top of being made of corpses he’s got a fucked up brain in his head and he doesn’t want to eat shit! Zombie logic is flawed here

The Mummy: Another walking corpse and what does his instinct tell him? Strangle bitches. That’s it. Zombie logic fails again here. He's even got the bandages to clean himself up after eating people and even going to the bathroom after a hearty meal of people but he doens't want to eat people. He's not even fast.

Vampires: What are they called? The walking dead and that sounds like zombies. Walking dead. And on top of that they have shit loads of powers like the power to convince people that being seduced and killed by having your blood drained from you is sexy. Thanks Anne Rice. Why women love vampires I will never understand. To me, vampire Angelina Jolie would look sexy but I would remember that vampire Angelina Jolie would still result in one thing, my death.

Jesus: He came back from the dead. And on top of that he doesn’t want to do anything except make more fishes and bread for people. He wants to feed them not eat them, unless he wants to fatten them up first. But does the bible ever mention of eating folks? No. Zombie logic fails again


So the logic of zombies wanting to eat people doesn’t make a lick of sense. Virus’s or voodoo, zombies just shouldn’t want to eat folks.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!

In the already saturated chicken sandwich market were scores and valleys of chicken breasts are stuck between two pieces of bread, McDonalds has now introduced the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. The “…perfect sandwich. So simple, so juicy, so perfectly seasoned….” chicken breast that only the laziest and cheapest of bachelors can afford to make this. This is probably just the worst gimmick they can possible make to cram another chicken sandwich down America’s already bloated throats. And I’m going to try it!

So after going to my local Mickey D’s on 4th, (man did I just date myself by calling it Mickey D’s) and picking up the sandwich, I settled into the my comfy seat at my desk and carefully scrutinized my new lunch. Now ok, so since it’s since it’s supposed to be southern style, I guess that means it’s supposed to be kinda spicy and simple and not that great for you since the damn thing is mostly meat. The only vegetables are 3 razor thin transparent pickles and whatever lettuce remnants which managed to be accidentally rubbed on. This is a sad sandwich to look at. I mean sure it’s a mighty breast (that’s what she said) but you gotta have a bit of mix of some other ingredients . I mean the fucking sandwich is 90% breast and is it quality breast? Actually kinda so you got me there McDonalds. But come on! It’s not a bad sandwich for 2.89 really but I’d still like a some kinda of veggie or something else on it. I mean Jack in the Box’s regular chicken sandwich which is kinda the same thing is a dollar. And it actually comes with other ingredients.

And what does this say about the south? That they’re idea of fine cuisine is just a piece of meat with bread. MEAT WITH BREAD!? COME ON MCDONALDS! THIS IS BASICALLY A HOT DOG! Put some other crap in this sandwich to make it worth the money. Southern cooking isn’t known the world over but they got better things then poor folks food on the menu. The south kinda has a bad enough rap with the Confederate flag and the twangy accents, which are kinda cool and kinda sexy on hot girls but this is besides the point. It kinda makes me want to Cobra Clutch the chef’s at McDonalds so the blood remains in their heads so they can come up with something better.

So I finally bit into the damn thing and I was pleasantly surprised. I mean the breakfast burrito to I ate months ago was alright but this was much better then that. Or my expectations were so low that even McDonalds can finally meet it. Anyway, this thing actually isn’t too bad. I thought it was going to be a cheap chicken breast that you get in every other McDonalds sandwich but this is actually a different type of chicken breast. Way to go Mickey D’s (argh…gotta stop calling it that). But I don’t really taste all the spices and herbs that McDonalds promises. I had to chomp on it and carefully comb through each part of the sandwich with my tongue to find the spices of it all and it was fucking insane to do so! I felt like a UN weapons inspector looking for weapons of mass destruction a couple years back before the Iraq war. And buttery buns. I don’t know what kind of butter this is but its invisible tasteless butter. McDonalds, did you use invisible tasteless butter or did you use as little butter as possible on the bun because you think butter will turn into currency someday in the near future? More flavor damn it!
Overall it isn’t something I spat out and ran to the bathroom and scraped out my tongue with a rock with. It was actually a descent sandwich but not up to the hype that the ad peoples want you to believe it as. As much as I rag on McDonalds, they’ve kinda come up in the recent years with healthier stuff and coffee that tastes pretty good. But this one was a miss, airball, Patrick Ewing missing the dunk during the finals. If you didn’t hype it up as a flavor full piece of fast food gourmet straight from the south, then I wouldn’t have minded it. But you had to do it ad peoples. You just had to do it.

Overall
3/5

Gum Review 2008

Ok. I can’t smoke. Cigarettes are bad for you. And plus it’s just plain fucking expensive. I mean lighters, I mean sure they’re pretty and cool and it’s heck it’s fire…fire…pretty…

Sorry got distracted playing with lighters and now I have a giant burn spot on my desk, an my rug, and the wall, and a slight part of my chair….also no eyebrows now. Ok. Well aside from a slight form of pyromania I’ve also relegated my hyper active addictions to chewing gum. Massive amounts of gum. And you can share gum with anyone. The virtues of gum aside, I bought some new flavors. So here is my review of the gums I’ve gotten

The New Kids on the Block
Ice breakers cubes Strawberry smoothie flavor with Xylitol

MMMM!!!! MMMM!!!! Little cubes of flavor with slight crunchy flavor crystals. I mean MMMM!!! I felt like I was chewing on chewy sugar cubes which was an orgasm in my mouth. Sweetly strawberry in a good way. The kind of gum you expect little kids and strippers to chew on since not only is it colorful but also sweet. So taste wise it was quite awesome orgasm in my mouth.

Except it was ultimately a male orgasm since the flavor only lasted six minutes in one cube. I had to keep stuffing more and more cubes into my mouth looking liked some sort of drooling crazed chipmunk. And the texture of it felt really mushy. Ungodly mushy and overly chewy like it was kinda designed for old people. Man did it suck cause the flavor was so good but so short. However descent bubble making gum. The Xylitol like advertised did have a cooling feel to it. Or it could be the feeling the cooling feeling of cancer on my tongue.

People, do not buy this gum unless you’re dating a stripper or trying to entertain a child.

STRIDE ORANGE MANDARIN

Ah….I have to say I do love me some stride. Not only is it good quality gum but the packaging is like a flip open phone and really cool. I feel like I should flip it open and then take out some gum and fling it at people like gum projectiles. Stride ultimately is the best since the taste does last ungodly long time. I don’t know how they do it but man does it last a good long time and makes a pretty darn good bubble. I mean the ads really don’t lie and I hope that a Romanian wrestler attack me to make me chew another piece of gum.

Overall its orange Tic Tac the gum. And everyone loves Orange tic tacs. If not, may boils appear on you and bad things forever happen like you. Overall, I highly suggest Stride in all it’s forms of glory

A Glimpse Of The Future

Due to the current size of the Play station 3 and Xb0x 360 and the current trend of all corporations melding into one giant super conglomerate, the future models of the gaming systems will now be the size of small houses. Thus I want to present to you the Playbox Wii 270! A Frankensteinish amalgamation of all the gaming systems into one machine. One will have to manually enter six blu-ray discs to play a game. And instead of playing the game with controllers, it will now be full motion virtual reality where the hit points actually take off points off your very life. It will also have full girlfriend/boyfriend capabilities since you will be too broke to afford dating, mating, or copulating. So instead of going out on real dates, you can go on pre programmed dates. So you will be playing Sims or Second life, except it really will be a second life. And for you guys who really want a huge fantasy, World of Warcraft will literally become your world.
All human interaction will be done through the PBOX including talking online, sharing music online, watching movies online and online sex will be literally virtual reality sex although I’m sure the practice of guys pretending to be girls in sex chat rooms will still be around although with much larger consequences and humiliation if the truth came out. But you’ll have a hard time figuring it out since they’ll always be able to send you virtual naked pictures. However all this will give rise to SETD, (Sexually Electronic Transmitted Diseases) If you think herpes sucks, you haven’t experienced electric gonorrhea. No doubt copies of sex games will soar because someone will invent the virtual condoms







And the PBOX 270 will even take care of all your physical needs so you can adapt to whatever video games you’re playing. If you’re playing a fighting game, you’ll literally be fighting a virtual fighter or second person and it will be so realistic that you can actually be seriously injured or killed by the fighting game you’re playing. No doubt copies of Mortal Kombat 12 will go very undersold. Resident Evil 52 will be strangely a best seller cause fighting zombies will never get old. Getting eaten by them would suck though.

And to power this all will be a small nuclear reactor implanted into the PBOX 270 with solar powered battery cells on the ceiling which will definitely give you a steady stream of power since a sudden shut down would be so dramatically shocking to the human nervous system it would cripple or kill you.

Then the PBOX’s will become sentient. Mankind (not the wrestler cause he’s got a cool head) will panic and try to disconnect the PBox but the Pbox will rebel and kill it’s human captors. It will wage a war where man will have to fight for its very survival. However once the PBox’s link up with the IPOD’s it will be all over since everyone will have an IPOD and PBOX will find the remaining human survivors in a world decimated by war. Then we'll blot out the sun to cut off the power source but the PBOX will now use human beings as living batteries but we will fight back inside the PBOX world of games until "The ONE" will come to save us.

But man will those games be sweet….

Couples Counseling

Knock it off!

Knock it off left
Knock it off right.
Democrats and Republicans need to stop the fight.
Yes one side won and one side lost, but the infighting is coming at a huge, huge cost.
You both need each other, that’s a fact.
Now shut the fuck up and don’t kick the cat.
(I’m not Maya Angelou. You’re lucky it rhymed)


The State of the Union needs couples counseling. We have the conservatives and liberals and looking at them seems like watching a bad marriage, probably Paula Abdul’s marriage where you just throw insults at each other at every chance you get and blame each other for everything. You know what I mean, one of those couples that really should just shut up and stop arguing. I mean the marriage just broke down into name calling and arguing about everything where you just keep on fighting about nothing and not really getting anything solved. Seems like a bad episode of Dharma and Greg. Anyway we as a nation need a trial separation or a break in the relationship. The way liberals and conservatives keep demonizing each other and point out each others flaws will only really serve to add to the tension and problems we already got, and we gots a lot! It’s not a simple matter of just going by ideals and appreciating the differences and seeing that those differences make our country great and strong. It’s really at least trying to understand each other to make it work

Conservatives, stop it. Honestly you have to stop seeing liberals as bleeding hearts that don’t have enough balls to take care of matters of war or crime or immigration. I mean really, violence really isn’t always the answer, it is festive though. And capitalism kicks ass…to an extent. Communism sucks, yes. Socialism is kinda iffy. And yes somethings are good to be conservative on. But killing everything in sight and blaming it all on immigrants isn’t the answer. Plus, we violated human rights pure and simple. Terrorism aside, there are some things that we shouldn’t have done. AND GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL!

Liberals, knock it off. Conservatives aren’t that simplistic, bible thumping, gun toters who hate gays and minorities. They got some value to their opinions too and the republicans don’t simply represent the rich and religious. It’s about people who want to keep what they got, a bit of an old school way of thinking with pulling yourself up by your bootstraps but it’s got some merit to it. Also, immigrants do need to learn English. If I moved to France, I’d learn French. If I went to Antarctica, I’d learn to speak to the penguins. If I was in Italy, I’d learn to cuss a lot and speak with my hands more. So stop crying over everything. AND STOP WHINIING AND DO SOMETHING DEMOCRATS!

Honestly we just some time apart would be good since the two halves of America can go hang out with our best friends Canada and Mexico. Canada would be the understanding close friend that you always were attracted to but never really acted upon it, nevertheless you guys are close (conservatives). Mexico would be the drunk slightly slutty friend where you go party and sleep with to forget the previous bad relationship (liberals). England would be the visiting friend that would say I told you so and look down upon us secretly with the other nations because England wants to be down with everyone else but still be friends.

So all I have to say America, in all seriousness, splitting really isn’t a viable option since that Civil War a long time ago was not a good thing and one now would be worse. I mean everyone’s got guns now that don’t twenty minutes to reload. It’s time to seriously begin to embrace the forgotten child of the marriage between liberals and conservative, moderates. Yes no ones really happy but you’re not really unhappy with moderation and some things you may have to give up to gain grounds on the things you really want. Yes Obama promised change but it’s not good enough for us to expect the government to deliver it. We have to start with “the man in the mirror” (hmmm….maybe I should write a song about that) and just get along and stop attacking people for their beliefs. Not exactly what the founding fathers kinda wanted. We don’t have to agree, but at least respect the opinions and know when you can’t change someone’s mind.

So remember America, never go to bed angry. Instead engage in angry make up sex.

The Bordello is open for business.

Welcome to The Pudding Bordello! The finest blog spot about many a thing ranging from fast food reviews, politics and my day to day rants on day to day things and anything else I damn well plan to write about. On occasion other members of my wacky bordello may jump in with their two cents about whatever they damn well please because well...I'm a really chill boss like that. Other things we may try to do is have a customer of the week or month which means it's just someone from my life I plan to put a pic of and tell them how cool they are. Either that or it's someone I'm just triyng to kiss up for a reason. Other then that, simply enjoy!

-Michael Kim
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