Wake Me When You Need Me

With the cinematic cutscenes and the fame of Machinima, it was inevitable that there was going to be a Halo animated movie and lookie here, it's Halo Legends

Except it's not one long big live action or cinematic movie.  It's several shorts in almost all anime format and style and was sanctioned by the Bungie studios.  So you know at least they had a hand in it somehow and it's similar to the Animatrix that came out acouple of  years ago and it even begins in a similiar way where both movies have an introduction to the entire back story of their respective universes with disgusting amounts of detail that fanboys and scholars love (and there is a correlation between the two).  And just like the Animatrix, it has several different stories of various characters that don't really have much to do with the main story.  So here's the first.

Origins

It begins after the ending of Halo 3 where if you're a cool gamer and not a lame PS3 player, you know that Master Chief and Cortana are floating out there in space as half of their ship has been cut in half by a slip space jump and are left floating out there with nothing to do except narrate about the entire history of the past thousand years and the entire story from Halo to Halo 3.  Also she waxes poetic about the nature of man and existence but you know women...blah blah blah.  So it brings you up to full speed on everything.  Again, if you really love Halo, it's awesome.  If you're not really into it and just into shooting people, then it's boring.  I personally was looking at digital ghost boobs of Cortana.  It's great because it sounds like they used the original actress from the game for Cortana's voice or a voice actress of equal sound and skill.  At first seems Pee Wee Herman weird to break up the stories but it makes sense when you think about how it's two different stories and such should be bookended by their respective eras even though I think it's kinda insulting to the audience.  Then again they do know the American education system and Japan DOES love to drag things on (stupid Dragon Ball Z with it's eighty episodes of powering up).  The animation is cool and anime.  I mean it's nothing spectacularly great but it does the job quite well.


The Duel

Eirian

So who liked playing as the Arbiter??  If you raised your hand or perked up at the mention of playing as the Elite then you my friend are a....

But Patty, it's not my fault I got a PS3

No one wants to be the Arbiter.  Everyone wants to be a Spartan or an ODST.  Being the Arbiter is like dating a hot girls less hotter sister so that you can get to the hot sister in time.  But this story is an interesting samurai story take on how the position of Arbiter came to being and how it was once regarded as a holy position before the Prophets came into power and the Elites in this even wear a Japanese type robe when they're not in armor.  It's so a tragic samurai epic anime complete with the killing of a milllion enemies that can't shoot for shit (the fucking tank can't even touch him) while the Arbiter slices and dices everyone with his swords.  His fucking motherfucking cock slicing swords against a ton of guns and tanks.  Then his wife is killed and he faces agianst another elite with a sword and guess what?  Classic slicing and the wait for it moment where blood splotches out like a hydrant since every character in anime, has at least a gallon of blood in them.  Seriously, it's an interesting take on the Covenant and I like learning  about the other side but the problem is that it falls into cliche.  The story isn't strong enough to carry it through nor are the characters deep enough to make it interesting enough but the visuals are quite stunning.  However, not stunning enough to make you care.

The Prototype

I believe I can fllllyyyy

Want more Japanese emo-ism?  Well wait till you get a load of The Prototype.  It stars an emo soldier nicknamed Ghost who's the only survivor of his platoon which he commanded and lead into slaughter.  How?  We don't know.  Why?  Not important.  How'd he survive without injury?  Super naturalism.  So we cut between flashbacks of the dying soldier in his arms asking him to feel and be human because he's considered a Ghost because he has no feelings about anything, which means he's a guy, and the current battle over a testing ground for a Spartan heavy assault armor with big fucking guns and a ton of missles.  Hey, one thing the Japanese can do it's big robots.  The art is typical anime fair again much like the Origin short but this does have a ton of more action with lots and lots of explosions.  I mean alot.  It even has some gory alien guys exploding which is always cool.  Prototype is probably best viewed with the sound off or the dialogue gone or on another language since you can put your own words to the story, just like I do whenever my old boss would talk to me.  And of course he stays to fight when it would've been easier to run. 

The Babysitter

Fear the ODST.  The Covenant know of the fighting prowess of the special forces known as the Helljumpers.  See there perfect foofy hair and big eyes which make them either decesnded from Lupin the 3rd or Cowboy Bebop.  Aside from the whole femmy hair popstar boy band look, this is actually a descent story just with anime to it.  It's of course about the ODST special forces marines on a secret mission to kill a Prophet but with a Spartan as the sniper.  And it goes so beautifully and delightfully according to plan where the heroes kill the bad guys, quip funny and no one dies or gets hurt cause every war film and combat situation seems to dictate this logic.  Pssshhhhh....yea right.  So it basically all goes to shit in a handbasket full of grenades near a fan.  However you get to see the rivalry between the ODST's and the Spartans and how the relationship in this story leads to a budding respect of the abilities of the other.  I'd say the style of the story telling is much like Shinichio Watanabe (geshuntite!).  Yes I know I misspelled it all but you are Canadian if you care about such a thing.  So is it emo?  No.  Well kinda is but not in the whiney way.  More like the casualties of war way.  But a plus is that you get to see Dutch from the ODST game in here.

Odd One Out

Damn.  Cookie Monster got big since he went to prison

Look!!  POKEMON!!!!

Don't be fooled by the cover of this.  I mean it looks seriously cool but it's actually a non-canon tale of Spartan 1337, an arrogant, self promoting bumbler who constantly falls off the back of Pelicans (and for a change he crashes instead of the Pelican).  Sounds like my kind of guy since he is quite adapt at being a soldier and fighting a big ass Grunt that's dumber then shit and powers up to Goku levels.  Seriously, he does power up in such a way and destroys half the land around him.  If that's not weird enough, then you have 3 little kids dressed up as cavemen, a giant T-Rex that chews on 1337 then has two super powered teenagers with mad ass Kung Fu skills and strength help battle the special giant Grunt.  Then 1337 is carried off by a Pterodactyl.  After carefully reading what I just wrote, I'd have to retract the word adapt and say, competent.  With loads of terrible luck.   Yea.  It's not meant to be taken seriously but seriously you can't really watch this thing without wondering what drugs they have in Japan.  Hmmm....maybe I should go back to Japan....

Homecoming

You two share....or else...

It's a bit really weird to watch.  Let me tell you, it's hard to watch a tough and gritty war drama when all the soldiers look like this:

"Don't look behind you now but I think Jake is fucking that tree"

There is a ton of guns and action and alien splattering with the typical war bravado but again, the Japanese emo-ism runs rampant in this.  I like the story and it's similar to the short story Pariah in the Halo novels about the kids who want to go home in the Spartan program but again it's a ton of eye zooms, near tears and sing songy flowy language.  Terrible?  No.  Watchable?  For the most part.  So apparently the other half of the Spartan II project is to guilt the covenant into surrender with puppy dog eyes. 

The Package

EVERYBODY!!  I HAVE TO PEE AND THEY DIDN'T
BUILD A ZIPPER INTO THE SUIT!!

Outside of the pornographic title, this story is just like the Animatrix where the best story is the one that's computerized.  If you just watch one story from this DVD, watch this.  It's really fantastically amazing although it does have the Japanese look to the characters, especially in Dr. Halsey.  It can be overlooked for the most part but the part that's hardest to overlook, Master Chief's voice is changed to a much gruffer one.  Not the smooth gruffess that makes you want to croon in his arms like a drink of warm brandy but the type of battle grizzled vet that makes your grandaddy's war stories seem like fairy tales.  Ahh...I miss pappy and his stories before bed time :)  So the story is you watch Master Chief and the other Spartans fly around in cool X-Wing type space bikes and try to rescue Dr. Halsey from Covenant hands.  Again the computer animation is amazingly breathtaking and made with amazing attention to detail while the other cool thing: You get to see the Spartans faces.  Not the big guys but you can see every other Spartan from Fred to Kelly and even see the Spartan III armor in action.  It's a big plus if you read the books and has really awesomely great action in it.  Cartoony action?  Yes.  I demand realistic action to my fictional giant cybord stories!!!  Seriously, it's good though.  The action is fun, fast paced and plays out alot like the magic that made the first Halo game so much fun in the crazy, skin of your teeth kind of way. 

So final verdict? 

Overall 3/5

It's a mixed bag.  Some of the stories work.  Some don't.  It's just too weird of a hybrid in the styles but there is some hope to it.  Honestly I'd like to see Bungie make another DVD of animated shorts but with less anime.  A lot less anime.  It wasn't too bad in Batman: Gotham Knight and much better in the stylized world of the Animatrix but the Haloverse doens't really need much anime.  It works for one or two stories but not the entire span of the DVD.  Still it is an interesting experiment so a must view for Halo fans and a passing fancy for the casual fan and a must for anime fans.  So not everything should be anime because you get something like this:

Hal Jordan, we hardly knew ye

Marvel and DC.  Should really be named Johns vs BD, as in Geoff Johns (DC creative head) and Brian Michael Bendis (Marvel's creative head) since those are the only writers that do any of the major work concerning the universes.  I gotta say though that comics has an unholy tradition of stretching their writers out too thin but these guys seem to love the idea of being workhorses, especially in regards to Johns who basically is re-shaping DC as we speak.  I mean he did Infinite Crisis, 52, Rebirthed GL and the Flash, Blackest Night and now Brightest Day but before that, he did Secret Origins starting with our very own Hal Jordan.

Thanks to my best buddy Josh, I got a copy of Green Lantern: Secret Origins.  Why was it a secret?  I have no idea.  Probably because he was being seduced by a Russian spy for the secret access to the hearts and mind of children and geeks everywhere, especially geeks since we tend to usually hold high levels of access to technology when we are not choosing to live with our parents (it's a legitimate choice dammit!!)  Or was good ol Highball Hal a bed wetter?  Now everyone already knows the story of Hal Jordan since it's the basic flyboy former Air Force test pilot who got a green energy ring from an alien space cop before he died.  Pahleeese.  Guys, can you be more creative then that?  Now if you made him a giant head of Willian Shatner as with little tiny legs then I'd say you're in business!!  So I wasn't expecting much from this title.  True I am a GL fan but not the biggest one to date but a comics a comic and Josh does have good taste. 

So what's so damn new about John's retelling?  Well not really too much honestly.  The basics are still there but it's what's added that makes the story so appealing is that it really expands upon who Hal Jordan is and his struggles before becoming a Green Lantern.  It's very similar to Batman Begins in the way of the origin story since it shows the personal and psychological aspect of the character and Johns really seems to dig Hal and makes it so that we do too.  But not only does he re-do Hal Jordan but also slight revamps of the supporting cast and villains as well so that he can tie it all into his version of the DC universe.  What's also so great is that we not only stay fresh to the original Alan Moore story of Tygers, which gave the ideas of Blackest Night but also set the standard for Green Lantern lore. 

Another great thing about Johns is how he gives a great tune up to the old corny GL villians from Hector Hammond to Black Hand and makes them corny to truly and utterly fearsome foes. I admit before this story I considered Hector Hammond a weird, giant headed pedo verion of Professor X but here in Secret Origin, I found out how really vile the guy is and how creepy he is as an obsessed stalker of Carol Ferris.  Then to add more to current DC universe, here Johns added Atrocitus, the head Red Lantern from Blackest Night as part of the lore.  At first I thought it was a cheap ploy but as I read on, I coulnd't get enough of it and how he was the one who caused Abin Sur to crash.  I mean the original story of the yellow element fucking up his ship was kinda cheesy and didn't make a whole lot of sense.  However adding old red and angry in it, makes a kinda of sense.  Plus it's also great to see Sinestro before he became the hated enemy of Hal Jordan and the friendship that helped to shape them.  It also added a sense of tragedy to the whole relationship. 

 However the greatest depth came to Hal Jordan.  Now Hal was the typical "No Fear" Maverick from Top Gun type of guy and although that's a cool character, it tends to wear a bit thin.  But in here, we learn the tragedy and anger that drove him and how he learned to grow up after realizing he became a wash up and Air Force eject.  I mean he did punch out Batman since he wasn't afraid of him so Hal's the man.  Plus just like Flash: Rebirth, you learn to like the guy even though he did go insane and kill a bunch of folks but that wasn't his fault.  Seriously.  Read GL: Rebirth.  But overall it's also great to see Hal Jordan as struggling with the GL power and coming to terms with it since well, honestly, the most powerful weapon in the universe fueled by will should at least come with an instruction manual and take some time to get used to.  Plus we're all so used to confident Hal that seeing unsure Hal is a welcome thing and makes him a more endearing character.  My favorite moment was when Hal questioned the Guardians....priceless.  The retelling also ties everything in for the current DC Universe run that involves Blackest Night and Brightest Day as well and again, very smoothly I might add.

Now the artist on this team is Ivan Reis, who's worked with Johns before on many titles and on the recent Blackest Night run and is always in top form and this is no exception.  His nuances and shadows give a great compliment to the action and adds a dramatic, cinematic feel to the story.  Speaking of which, Hector Hammond is going to be the main baddie in the new GL movie and originally, I wasn't for it however I do have to say that now after reading this, I'm looking forward to it and I know that they probably read Secret Origin as essential reading before getting to the script or at least using it as a source for a rewrite. 




  

 In fact after digging a bit, I saw that Reynolds said that the Secret Origin book was the bible he used for the upcoming movie to characterize Hal Jordan.  So I'm happy it's going in the right direction.  Now as for that other movie....

Overall I gotta say:

5/5.  Go pick it up before the movie



Actual movie poster from WB



Fan Male!!

http://themep.blogspot.com/2010/09/first-fan-mail.html

Check out my letter to the best dern physical therapy blog on the net.  It's what made me the human adonis I am today. 

I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN AND I HAVE TO PEE!!

Original image here at: http://muk100.deviantart.com/art/Max-Deadpool-2-128654191?offset=10

Check out his site and art.  Great work. 

Clothes Make The Man

But if the title is true, then what the hell am I besides awesome?  I mean among my valuebles, I value most my hilarious t-shirt collection.  Not all our funny but at least I try to be cool, vintage or unique. 

So I got two new recent additions since I am a Halo and RvB fan. 

Bad ass space Marine. 

Now let's see what job I have

PELICAN PILOT??  HELL NO!  THOSE THINGS CRASH LIKE EVERY
10 MINUTES IN HALO!!!!

So I got this little diddy at Target by accident.  It was among a Halo: Reach bundle accessory gift pack.  I'm not normally up for this shit but I was in a bit of a good mood so I decided why not?  I was still waiting for my RvB shirt in the mail so I couldn't resist.  It came in an action figure package which means it was sealed up like in plastic which was a bit annoying since I couldn't open it up and try it on but luckily the generous customer return policy at Target was accomedating enough for me if it didn't turn out well.  The reason is that I'm an adult small and I'm more along the lines of form fitting clothes for my shirts.  Plus I wans't thrilled with the design intially but for $9.00 I said what the hey.  I plopped down money and off I went.

I got home and was really surprised at how cool the shirt looked.  It was something straight out of a USMC or ARMY shirt with its military green shade and letters on it.  Plus the UNSC logo was pretty bad ass and after trying it on and breaking it in, I was sold.  I mean the thing looked damn good too on me and I liked how it contoured to my shape.  Plus I always support my fictional space military since they protect me from all the worst alien threats imagined. 

Rebel Scum

Covie Bastards



Sith Stank Asses



Because if they dont fight alien menaces, who will? 



Oh.  Makes sense



So yes.  The shirt broke in nicely as a small and really was fully comfortable.  It's full cotton by Gildan shirt company and is preshrnk.  Great breatheabilty to it and comfortable as all hell.  It's a bit loose, but slightly so it's made for comfort and really really nice.  I just hope someone doesn't ask if I served.  Those things get awkward although I'm sure people not familiar with Halo or that don't pay attention will probably think it's a college.

It's true.

Then FINALLY after waiting several days I got my Simmons "I Hate The Bands That You Like" shirt.  I loved the maroon color and the "I Like Me" Caboose shirt kicked ass and was probably one of the best fitting shirts I have.  But problem: The new Simmons shirt is a new company.  Caboose is Jerzees shirt company.  This new one is M&O shirt company.  Damn you Roosterteeh you cockbites!!!  But once I tried it on, it was really pleasant.  Comfortable as all hell and not to mention a great fitting shirt.  The neck on both the UNSC shirt and the Simmons shirt were both a tad bit tight but once it broke in, it was really super comfortable.  The Simmons shirt is alittle thicker then the UNSC shirt but it's not too bad at all.  Still has great breathability and is also made of pre shrunk cotton so score. 

The Simmons Maroon shirt was $16.95 so not bad at all but with shipping and handling it was 5 bucks more.  Still worth it. 

The UNSC shirt was the best deal ever since it's usually like 16 to 19 dollars.  Target Win!



Next up are Deadpool shirts.  I need to get one but so far most are pretty lack luster.  I have to go to the unofficial ones for cool designs.  Fail Marvel.  Fail again.  However the unofficial ones are pretty cool.  But expensive.  More news on this later

Will The Few Believers Please Stand Up?

Just out of curiousity, who else amoung my friends reads me since I tend to post at obscure morning hours?

Curious....I just want to know...So if you could post on my FB or here, it'd be appreciated.  OR click on the ads!!!  Get me cash money and remain unknown....:)

Macho Macho Man....

Greetings few believers!!  Well guess who's back and with a new food review....ME!! 

And with my new headgear for maximum protection, I fully utilized it for my new conquest, the Macho Combo Burrito from Del Taco.  A mighty combo of mighty beef and beans with red AND green sauces and a bunch of other crap you can see in the burrito in a mighty layer of tortilla the size of my head and I have a giant head that's so massive I bent a stop sign with it one time (true story).  So by request, I have climbed this mighty Everest of a fast food favorite. 




"God!!  It's like Orson Welles Autopsy"

  So after climbing into the Mike mobile and getting my burrito, I sat down to properly devour this heart wrenching device of food.  So first bite?  God is it hot.  Gotta wait a bit for it to cool down.  I got it fresh and hot just like yo mom (BOO YAH!)  so I had to wait a bit and got some funny looks at Borders where I ate it.  (They have comfortable chairs but boy do they get made if you accidentally smear sour cream on their crap).  After it cooled, I have to say it was a proper taste of heaven.  GOD it was like an orgasm and I was quickly devouring it.  It had a great array of flavor in it from the beef and beans (which I choose, you can get it with just beef, just chicken or beef and bean) just....like Megan Fox making love with Julia Stiles.  What?  I like Julia Stiles.  Am I the only one?  Bah....philistines...



Flavor Fight

But it's not what it was the best part of the burrito.  No.  The best part was the mixture of "fresh" tomatoes, sour cream and lettuce with cheese.  I mean it was almost perfect in the balance of the ingredients except the it was a bit heavy on the sour cream and meat and beef.  I thought they killed an entire cow for this fucking thing.  I can feed a small African village with this thing and that's what makes America great!!!  At times I felt the ingridients were trying to fight each other for flavor superiority however again...it was the meat that won out.  Veggies didnt' stand a change.  But seriously, it was a bit much since I hit a vein of sour cream in the middle and it felt.....dirty since it squirted.  Was it tasty?  That's besides the point although I will say that sucking out sour cream made it feel like a weird meaty twinkie. 

*Momentary stop so that I can get all the dirty phallic jokes out of my system.

**Still waiting

***Still waiting

However the flavor once you got past that, was still heavenly.  If I had to compare it to another taco franchise place, I'd say Taco Bell's Taco supreme was probably the best comparison due to the abundance of sour cream. 

Only meat source capable of producing enough meat for
this burrito

*Stops again for dirty jokes.....



So it was again an amazing tasty feat worthy of any post drinking drunken food craving endeavor.  The only down side was the fucking size of the damn fucking thing.  I mean seriously...it's FUCKING HUGE!!!  I couldn't even finish the fries or the drink since it was so big.  It was an atom bomb for my heart cause I can feel my arteries gaining more and more plaque as we spoke.  I was going to originally do a double review for the Macho Burger from Del Taco (sad that a taco place makes a better burger then most places around me) but after eating only half the fucking burrito, I realized that attempting such a feat will fucking cause insulin shock and I may wake up with my foot or arm cut off from diabetes.  However I did black out after awhile which I figured from the itis but I awoke several hours later at home.  No memory of how I got here or what happened to the burrito and drink and fries but after looking around, I saw covered in the remain of cheese and sour cream with an empty bag and cup. 

And if you guessed if it's bad for you....absofuckinglutely.  This thing is 1050 calories and created in carb and fat hell.  You think it'd have alot of protein which it does at 49 grams but carb wise it hits 113 grams and fat wise it hits 44 grams.  I still don't get how it's over 100 grams of carbs but Jesus this thing is fattening.  But it's soo good.  I mean of course by all accounts it fails health wise but do you really want to live forever?  But the taste is amazing.  Like if Megan Fox was a taste, it would be this.  I mean I wanted to name this burrito original sin since it's probably what tempted Adam and Eve instead of a fucking apple. 

Overall Taste: 5/5

Overall Health: 1/5

*Note, headgear, did nothing.

Mr. Postman...Mr. Postman...what the hell are you bringing me?

Hello PB,

I have a question if you wouldn't mind answering. 

1) PS3 or XBOX 360? 
2) What do you think of the new Superman/Batman movie? 
3) Since you like Halo, can you review Halo Wars?  I don't know if I want it yet. 

Thank you.  I like your blog. 

Frank Tucker
Alberta, Canada

GASP!!  A Canadia person!!  You people have been quite disappointing as a prescience on this blog.  The Danes are whipping you up and down and soon they'll over take you in hockey.  You and your awesome flag and happy people and hockey playing mother cannuckers have been underwhelming to say the least on the blog.  But I'm a big fan of Due South and Canadia Mounties so I shall gladly answer your question.  And lookie...it's numbered for easy access (insert dirty thought and/or joke here)

But before I start, you win the award for the inability to count properly since that is not one question but three and are currently in the running for the proof locker award, which is the award for the lack of a proof reader.  Onto the question

1) Post Scrotumatium level 3 is not a joking manner.  I don't know why you would want such a disease in which your scrotum tries to eat itself so I'd have to say XBOX 360.  It's got the Halo series which is a plus and much better online capabilities.  Sure it's not as fancy as the other systems but it has a variety of better games. 
2) Weee wooo!!!  You exposed my new upcoming review as soon as I can get it on DVD or bootlegged from another source through Vietnamese bootleggers.  Hopefully those guys will forget that I tried to screw them out of paying for TMNT 3.  Those little guys are some angry little fuckers.  I guess they haven't forgot about that whole war thing.
3) It's not CAN I review Halo Wars.  I can and will and do it better in bed ladies*!  And it's a Bungie game.  I don't think they've ever put out a bad game....ever.  So yea.  So look for the review in a couple of weeks.  And good luck on your self eating testicles.  Poor fella.  It's like two pitbulls wrestling in a canvas sack over a bone. 

What happens when you get PS3

*Response to letter was delayed due to blogger flexing in front of mirror incessantly with his fat molded into muscles

Hey Puddin B's

Thanks for the blog and I just wanted to say that I'd really like to say that you're awesome.  Please publish my letter and pick me to be showcased.  I promise to be your best reader and friend.  Muah

Holla at cha girl

Karissa Lee

Hmm...a female blog reader.  Well Karissa all you gotta to is hook me up with a naked sexy video of yours doing something with pudding and you're right as rain for getting put on the site. 

Something like this is also acceptable

Hi Pudding Bordello or Michael or whatever strange lyrical apparatus you call yourself you ghost in my machine. 

I wanted to write in say that I really like your blog and it's really fun to read and I feel that I've found a kindred brother to share my brew with.  And not sharing in a way to drown you but in a way to drink after we drown someone else.  Anyway I request humbly a review of the great and mighty Del Taco Macho Beef Burrito.  Prove that your are a man of men and that you can conquer such a mighty mighty food source of meat.  Quench tha bloodlust and tell us that you survive and what it tastes like.  If you don't have a Del Taco, do a Sonic Frito Chili Pie. 

Also thanks for the workout tips.  Give me a tip about getting bigger.  Thanks. 

Evan Joliet
Los Angeles, California

This is my reason for being the mess I am Evan.
You're worse then I am and I don't want to know why.

Geez.  Can't I just ever get nice normal readers just like that Alexis Diller girl's blog or The MEP site?  Now you win the crazier then me award.  But here you are and although you're scaring the living daylights out of me and turning it into night, I'm glad your wrote in few believer into this piece of the net.  Yea...I got Del Tacos where I'm at and can do a review of the Macho Combo Burrito and prove my manliness to you by sticking a giant white phallic food object into my mouth and cramming it down as much as I can into my maw.  However I may forget since I am busy with other things going on in my life so I'll try to get to it as soon as possible.  And Sonic's are rarer then Del Taco's.  Why must you torture me by giving me obscure food sources?  I live in the city.  Not the damn woods.  Stop making it hard for me and try to kill me with model lingerie bowl players instead of a massive coronary where the plasma in my blood turns to solid and wreeks of delicious delicious greasy meat.  We got a Sonic though so we shall see what I can get.  If you care that much...click on banner ads and help get me paid so that I can continue to provide you with quality edutainment and borderline drivel for free.  It's really costing you nothing.  Just a mouse click.  Or else I have to resort to selling out to subliminal                                                                                      advertising

Oh and as for getting bigger, two words: Penis pump.  OR just be happy with what God gave ya. 

Alright...those are about all the lette....ahh...time I mean I have for letters.  So remember if you need anything reviewed....





Ask Michael

Dear Michael,

The Beast from the East.  Best in the West.  Thanks for your blog and a ton of your entries and I think it's mostly ok  However I gotta say that I have to say that the biggest drawback to the site is the fact that you're too sporadic about your posts.  I can't tell what you'll review next so maybe a headsup would be nice so we can know what to expect.  But the biggest thing I love about the site are the Deadpool pics.  Where do you find those?  Are those from your collection?  Do I have to sacrafice a goat to your gods so that you will never lose Deadpool pics? 

Also as for some advice: My girlfriend is mad at me because I made a bad compliment.  I mean she's hotter then the Tattooine sun near the pit of the Sarlac.  She was mad.  What gives?  I said she was hot.  Help me Pudding Bordello.  You're my only hope. 

Jason Greenwood,
Big Hole Valley Montana



Beast from the East?  Best in the West?  My cliche sense is tingling.  But I gotta say mostly ok?  I would be offended if your town name wasn't so hilariously homo AND heterosexual.  So I can forgive it.  Yea.  I know my posts are random and sporadic much like the structure of the letter you wrote and judging by the gramme you win the  award for most corrected grammar in the state of Montana.  As for the states we'll have to see other letters but so far you're number 1!!!  But for my posts, I could put what's coming up but then I'd be a blog tease because then I'd realize you're serious and then I'd get uncomfortable and then it ends up like Joan from Mad Men.  I just can't follow through since I'm a sporadic kinda fellow and you gotta grab on like a Womp Rat out of hell.  But tell ya what I can do though is that I do take requests but remember you have to keep it something I can do, like asking me to rate riding on the space shuttle or being Kim Kardashians thong is going to be hard.  Unless you click on the banners which gives me, Michael, cash money that I can use said money as a gateway to the said thing you want me to review or Deadpool comics. 

Honey, you might want to see the gyna...gynocolo..the
vagina doctor

Speaking of which, I find Deadpool pics a plenty on the net.  If there's a Deadpool pic, I got it.  But dont' worry artists, I'll give you credit and ask permission because I'm not into raping the art you got.  Man...I feel dirty responding to this letter.  I suggest you not sacrifice a goat but rather a large rat of some sort that you name Fidel just in case I ever run out of DP pics or the fact that I feel dirty from all the rape references (Poor poor busty curvy Joan and her busty curvy curves)

Hmm...a girl that's mad for no real reason?  Yea...she sounds like a woman.  But in this account, you were out of line Big Sky Boy (which is a great porn name).  Boba Fett nearly died at the pit of the Sarlacc but 12 other intergalactic alien criminals were not so fortunate, cause they fell into the pit of Carkoon of the all powerful Sarlacc, where they find a new definition of pain and suffering, as they are slowly digested over a thousand years.  So too soon buddy....too soon.  Nearly half a century is not enough time.  However I even suggest you can fix this by telling her that she's not as crazy as she acted and that only slightly like her mother.  Then compare her eye of Sauron in some way or say her mustache is much nicer then the cows you have out their in Montana and that cow maybe your next g/f if you don't play your cards right. 

I have a Deadpool pic for almost all occasions.  I'm awesome and have no need
for a girlfriend.

Avast-Son

Hello few believers!  It's my bi-annual award season but not for bisexuals because they got it good since they get to double their chances of dating and sex like the great omnivores of the past.  Huh?  What?  We're omnivores?  Score.  Wait....Wouldn't that make us bi-vores or bi munchers?  Bi-Munchers.  I found a new word.  Anyway for every person that writes in, leaves a comment get an award for this point on for the month of September.  Also at a very soon point in time I shall bestow upon my readers the illutrious award of the Diamond Spoon!!  But it's not time for that, yet however I'm tackling the age old question that has plagued philosophers from Pluto to Hasselhoff



Ninja

 


Pirate

 

      vs.

 

This is erotic model Aria Giovanni.  She has nothing
to do with the fight between pirates and ninjas

First of all you have to understand that this fight has been ongoing involving many factions from the Ewoks to the Imperial Troops to Jedi to Crips and Bloods and ultimately the Coca Cola Company (dern red devils) and Pepsi (dern blue Mormons) that we have to just boil it to the original pirates and ninjas irregardless of all the factions involved. 





Now the war between the two sides occured during the US Invasion of Afghanistan.  Neither side were a part of the conflict, it just took place at that time.  It was then the dreaded pirate Roberts met the ninja Ryu Hayabusa in the town of Oktoberfest, Virginia for Beerathon since pirates are well known for drinking and debauchery as well as ninjas, to a lesser extent.  The details aren't well known but we do know that the right of parlay was invoked by Roberts at his attempt at arbitration but that was when he was met in the face by a ninja star.  It wasn't until sometime later that parlay means "pickle-footed-turd-jergller" which attributed to the short lived battles between cowboys and ninjas in which hundreds of cowboys got ninja stars to the face. 



So with a ninja star to the face, Roberts ran from the battle and returned to his ship, Slave I and spoke to the head of the pirate nation who promptly did nothing.  Then ate a sandwich.  Then called the head of the ninja nation to flesh out an agreement which quickly escalted into a musket sandwich delivered to the head of the ninja nation via quick deilver system through the phone. 

So that started the fight of the nations between the pirates and ninjas.  Never forget that's why those two factions are at war so when ever you have beer or German food (My personal favorite is the corndog.  Yes corndog is German.  If it wasn't then why do they have it at Wienerschnitzel huh?) remember that druken misunderstood rage and fatty food was what started the most epic war of all time, PWN (Pirates W Ninjas)  I have yet to come up with what the W means.