Double Trouble

With the new age ushered in by the movie Super Size Me, American fast food restaurants (if they can be considered restaurants) have become a haven of new age healthy food options full of lowered calories, grilled chicken, fresh fruit and salads and anything else green that you can shake a stick at. The gluttonous portions are a thing of the past as even bottled water is offered now at most fast food places. No where is this more apparent then the formerly greasy lair of Colonel Sanders, KFC, which is now known as KGC, Kentuckey grilled chicken.
Grilled=painted on linesColonel Sanders (AKA Colonel Sellout) has officially laid down arms and surrendered in the battle of the bulge. Oh Colonel, what twelve pieces of golden herbs and spices have they given you to give up? You should’ve fought against the power and greeted fat chubby arms in a hug of larded triumph. One of the last places in America where one can enjoy the paper containers turned clear from grease is now a place where you can have a healthy option.

However the Colonel is one sneaky bastard. The South has risen again!! And with it, the Colonel rides in guns blazing into town on a giant chicken wielding….THE DOUBLE DECKER SANDWICH!!! This little diddy even comes with a cool name. Say it ten times fast. Double Decker. Double Decker. Double Decker. May God have mercy on our now in shape souls. On this mighty behemoth of meat comes no carbs. Well…some from the breaded chicken pieces but no carbs!!!! It’s a slightly nightmarish concoction that only Luther Vandross in his last death throes envisioned. TWO chicken pieces breaded with the Colonels eleven herbs and spices and sandwiched between them are two pieces of white jack cheese. Stuck right in the middle of this orgy of….stuff is a single, solitary slice of bacon, being gang banged by all that flavor.

Now since I’m injured and can’t go to the most epic water gun fight of all time, I had to have this as a back up as entertainment. My body isn’t willing but the spirit ain’t weak. I walked into that KFC like it was my domain and ordered that sandwich like I was punching out Snookie. After some time waiting it finally arrived to me. Sadly it wasn’t what I initially expected and on a couple of different levels and I’ll get to why in a sec bubs. The only other time I remember getting that feeling was when I was eight and I had to fight Mr. Sandman at Mike Tysons Punch Out. He doesn’t look that bad ass on the profile match up screen but when he walks into the ring, GREAT ONION RINGS OF BURGER KING!! SWEET SEGA GENESIS!! That mother%$)@#^ was HUGE!!! I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to box him or defend my self from being raped. The Double Down was a bit this way. No it didn’t try to rape me but it was surprising how much it cost ($5.43 with tax) but I suppose it was normal since it was a sandwich. A really strange looking sandwich. It was like one of those carb free wraps you get at Subway but it’s as if someone turned it inside out. The other things was the also the ad made it look disgusting. The sandwich itself wasn’t that bad looking and I was a bit surprised. It’s like meeting a decent looking girl for the first time who just does not photograph well.


So onto my first bite.
"What have I done? I think I've sinned against humanity. I now expect to be beaten by Gordon Ramsey"
However I had to wait since the sandwich kinda burned me. They cooked the chicken so it’s like handling hot molten rocks like those spiritual Indian Yogi’s handle to meditate. Then I bit down into it and it was still hot as Satan’s Sphincter on a humid day but it didn’t taste like Satan’s Sphincter. I could barely taste anything so I had to wait again.
"TONIGHT...I DINE...IN HELL!!!!"
This sandwich was more difficult then I thought but I don’t go down like a cheerleader on prom night. You gotta at least buy me dinner first!! But I did gather some taste of the sandwich and it was ungodly salty. I mean it’s like they dipped this in the dead sea and then let it cook on the hood of 1978 Challenger and then dried it off in Amy Winehouses hair in the desert. Good God. I could taste some of the spices as soon as the sandwich cooled but it just made me thirsty then anything. I kept going though and got to some cheese finally and a bit of bacon which by the miracle of science of osmosis, tasted as salty as the breaded chicken. Another surprise was how much actual chicken was in this thing. The patties were not really that thick but the protective breaded layer would’ve stopped a tank round. If I covered my body in the stuff I would be a indestrutable as the Terminator. Knives would shatter, bullets would ricochet and acid would harmlessly splash off onto some innocent bystanders as I run away. Also this thing was hemoraging cheese like a wound but it wasn’t in one place. IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!
There's so much cheese. There's cheese everywhere
It’s like a tomb for the lone piece of bacon stuck inside, which ironically I think is the healthiest and least processed part of the sandwich.


The Double Down meat before it's killed and processed
I had to stop several times and eventually began to use ketchup to cover the taste of salt in my mouth.
Ketchip hides all crimes, especially of tasteI didn’t even make it half way and just stopped and re wrapped the thing. Then being the glutton for punishment I am, I got back to it several hours later because I was actually hungry. Again the thing didn’t really smell bad at all. Smelt like semi burnt chicken. But the biggest obstacle was the after taste of salt that stained my SOUL!!! I still can’t get the taste of salty, spiced chicken out of my mouth even after all the water and milk I had. I could feel it in my stomach as my gut fights to digest this monstrocity I put ito myself. I knew it has at least 1300 mg of sodium but maybe I should’ve read the information closer to see if it was 1300 mg per bite.

The sandwich ain’t actually entirely bad for you. It clocks in at 540 calories however the UK daily Mail says that the thing might actually have 1228 calories. It’s a hand grenade of of fat. I think I can live on that for at least about two days.
I never say die....WOLVERINES!!!It also has 32 grams of fat which again is a bit much and 1300 mg of sodium. Did I mention it was fucking saltier then your grandpa’s war stories??? Plus the protein comes in at a whopping 60 grams. Good lord, protein shakes don’t come that high!!

The tag line of the sandwich is “Don’t satisfy your hunger….crush it” Crush it. Along with your guts, your fat, your cholesterol level and oh….your heart. It’ll all shut down.
Augh...even the water tastes like salt
I swear I finished the thing finally over an hour ago and it’s the most full I have been in a goddamn long time. I think I have to tag team wrestle a bear and Triple H in a hell in a cell, no holds bar, shark eats the loser, casket match in order to burn this many calories off. This thing is worse than Guinness at making me full. And Guinness comes in a huge fucking cup!! The sandwich don’t taste too bad…if you can taste anything besides the sodium. Is it worth it? Not really. You’re really better off and actually healthier with a burger wrapped in lettuce. No excuse me as I call my doctor. I think this thing is slowly destroying my small intestine along with clogging an artery in my heart.

Overall: 0 out of 5

I won the batltle but at the cost of my soul (and health)